Therapist refuses to learn about DID **TW**

Hi, I'm new but have been coming here quite regularly a it's very helpful. Firstly I am sorry for the length of this post! I am currently in the process of being referred to the Clinic for Dissociative Studies for an assessment which will hopefully lead to treatment there but in the meantime am with a therapist I have been seeing for two and a half years. She was aware that I had other parts when I started with her and was a help initially to the older, less emotional parts but since I have tried to talk about and even introduce her to others I have hit a major barrier. She has certain attitudes surrounding DID that are causing terrible upset inside, including the belief that the voices and the small parts need to 'go away' in order for 'me' to have a life, and her habit of talking to other parts as if they are me. Yesterday there was a part out who doesn't want a formal diagnosis and wants it all to go away. My therapist looked bemused and said 'but, you're fixated on getting a dianosis' which confused the part who doesn't feel that way and then my therapist said it was good that this part wanted it (symptoms, voices) to go away and implied that this was progress. She seems to think I am fixated on a diagnosis for diagnoses sake, which isn't the case; I just am desperate for the right help and if a diagnosis will get me that help then so be it. Everytime I quote research or things I have read about ways of working with DID that might be helpful she says I have a 'theory' in my head, that if I knew what I needed then I wouldn't be in therapy and refuses to take on board any suggestions and I feel that she thinks that I have simply read too much even though I had this going on before I had even heard of dissociation. In fact once she got very defensive when I was upset with her over this and I cried 'I wish you would just go on a course about dissociation!' and she just said 'I don't need to go on a course about dissociation'. To give her credit in this instance, she did admit later that she had been defensive and was being triggered by a certain part of me. Which brings me to another difficulty: she brings up her personal life. She has said a few times how she thinks she is dissociative herself and believes that something happened to her as a small child. Also, that certain mannerisms remind her of her sister who she had a bad time with and triggers something in her. She'll occasionally say things at the beginning of sessions like 'I just want to let you know that I've just had a very upsetting session/incident/am currently splitting up with my partner, so if I'm not completely present that's why'. She justifies this by claiming what I need is for someone to be completely 'real' with me as my mother was/is such a fake a lot of the time (apart from when she was being abusive). But sometimes her being real feels very harsh to some parts. Here are a few examples: there was a time when a very depressed part went in and risked saying how she was thinking a lot about ending it all. My therapist said immediately and bluntly as if she was offended, 'then I'll have to inform your GP' (there's nothing wrong with what she said, it was the coldness of the tone and an unwillingness to engage at all with the part to see if symptoms could be relieved first). We are terrified of doctors and the part felt forced to backtrack and say how she wasn't thinking of actually doing it tomorrow and so my therapist said flatly 'why are you telling me then?' Another time when I was disappointed about a therapy programme being full up she said 'so what, they're full up; live in the real world!' I did put in an email to her that if I could live in the 'real world' I wouldn't need therapy and that I had seen enough of the 'real world' to last a lifetime. And then yesterday (and this, I think, was the final straw) I was talking about wanting to tell her about a dream I had then wandered into talking about my concerns over having to see my GP re the referral on monday and after a while she just said in a tired voice, 'just tell me the dream'. I told her this was hurtful, said I felt dismissed by her, that she was behaving as if she was clearly bored by what I was saying. She said 'i think it's you who are bored by what you are saying'. I said this wasn't the case and she then told me that my tone was arrogant and spiteful and I was talking as if I hated everyone and they were all morons (these were her actual words). I was absolutely shocked. I had been talking very calmly, albeit emotionally detached and trying to find a way into an emotion, and was not feeling that way at all. I said I wanted to know exactly what I had said that made her think that. It transpired that she completely misheard me when I said 'I pray to God I get a DDNOS diagnosis because that would be easier to accept than DID (no offence intended, and I am pretty sure I'm DID anyway!) and thought I had said 'Oh, I'll just tell them to give me a diagnoses of DDNOS'. When she said this she put on an unpleasant arrogant voice which was nothing like how I was presenting. She later said she wouldn't have said those things if she had heard correctly but she often misinterprets me like this and mostly won't back down when I try and correct her. I don't want this to be all one sided; of course I freely admit that there are parts that are more difficult and angry and my therapist can also be very sensitive and intuitive. But only with certain parts and she clearly has favourites, told the angrier teenagery part that 'you're stopping ******* (me) from having a life' and then later told me that this part is 'unlikeable' and said that usually she'd lose sleep over upsetting a client but that it was 'interesting' to her that she had not been concerned about upsetting this part at all. And to be fair, that part is not the easiest part but then I am not about to take her to a dinner party and risked allowing her to the session after being locked inside for years and years so she could have a different, non-judgemental, empathic experience of someone. Which backfired spectacularly and now most parts dislike my therapist intensely. There are good aspects of my therapist's personality as well of course. She must care as she has recently been giving me an extra session for free (I don't have much money) due to a crisis though the inconsistency of her behaviour is very unsettling (she is certainly not DID imo, just reactive to certain parts of me) and I sometimes worry that I am being too sensitive or making her 'bad' or being caught up in a transference (which of course is inevitable but then that is surely why such care needs to be taken by the therapist and they need to be aware of their own countertransference). I suppose the bottom line is not whether the way she works is 'wrong' fundamentally (she might be good for some) but whether it is helpful for us. I am not sure whether to stick it out with her and only take certain parts to therapy (which isn't always possible) until I get the referral or find a 'holding' therapist who is trained in this in the mean time. I don't really know what I am looking for in way of responses. I suppose I just needed to put it down, receive some understanding, and would just like some opinions and some hope that getting a good therapist trained in this would not leave me and us feeling so constantly devastated.

If you made it to the end of this post then many thanks!
1+?????

Honey, I have been exactly where you are now, with my first therapist. A therapist who has the same problem you do, and has not been treated for it and moreover apparently is in denial about it most of the time cannot be expected to help you and is likely to make your condition worse. Such a therapist does not have the knowledge, skills, and experience needed to help you.

Please tell the people at the Clinic for Dissociative Studies that your therapist alternately (1) has told you she thinks she has a dissociative disorder and (2) appears to be in denial about it. She certainly is in denial about your own dissociative disorder. In all likelihood you are hearing these inconsistencies from her because she is switching identities with you. You might also send a report to the board that licenses her. These are two ways to increase the chances of her getting the expert help she needs.

You might be better off seeing no therapist while you wait for assessment and treatment, than continuing with this therapist. That's a tough judgement call. I wish you well.

Hi Una+, many thanks for your response. Yes, I think I know what I need to do and that continuing with this is going to make my situation much worse. I even think you are right in that no therapy for the time being would be better than this. I knew something was up when she kept trying to tell me that certain dissociative symptoms were 'normal' such as me forgetting all past emotions and being completely unable to recall them. I'm still not sure whether this is down to her not quite getting what I was saying or whether to her that is normal (she told me that she had that to some extent also).
Again, thanks for your reply.
1+?????

1+????? wrote: She has said a few times how she thinks she is dissociative herself and believes that something happened to her as a small child.

She "thinks" she is dissociative and "believes" something happened to her. These are the words of someone who has not done their own work, yet who is trying to lead you in doing your work. Behavior such as this is a known problem in clinical psychology. Some people try to achieve vicarious healing by training as a therapist and treating clients instead of working on their own problems in therapy as a client themselves.

Dear God. Drop this therapist immediately. I don't care how offensive your teen part is, it is a therapist's job to handle difficult situations with calmness and maturity. Also, it is extremely unprofessional for this therapist to tell you about her personal life, especially her own mental self-diagnosis. A therapist who misinterprets you is not a good fit. I am sorry that this has been rough for you, but I agree with Una+. No therapist is better than this one. I have also been having a really difficult time finding a therapist as of late, so I sympathize.



-Wolf/Owl

Thanks Wolf/Owl for your honest response. It's so strange how I [i]know[i] this stuff and yet I keep going for the times when it is helpful (an old story!). Though I don't really feel very much, and just observe and the others who hold the pain aren't out much. Though my protector sent my therapist a very strong email (not rude, just clear as to what was and wasn't acceptable) after last session and so knows the score. A part of all this is the confusion as to what is and isn't normal as my childhood was anything but so it's always good to hear opinions from outside. Yes, finding a therapist is very difficult, I have been searching 'trauma/dissociative disorder therapists' all afternoon and really haven't got anywhere. But will keep trying so I hope you have some luck there.
Una+, how right you are! My mother is a prime example of this actually so maybe subconsciously that's why I have ended up in this situation.
Many thanks,
1+?????

Your mother is a psychotherapist?

In any case, the place where you want to go does offer on their website to help you locate an appropriate therapist local to you. Have you tried asking them for names. Also, your report of your current situation may help you to establish to the NHS commissioners that there is no appropriate therapist local to you. That may help you get funding for treatment at the clinic you mentioned.

Hi Una+, no my mum isn't a psychotherapist but has worked in jobs where she has offered similar support to others, particularly the abused and has considered training to be a counsellor many times. Luckily she no longer works in this capacity. She is highly dissociative also but has no idea of her issues and isn't formally diagnosed. I only just recently worked it out after being more aware of my stuff and I tried to gently suggest she might want to go to therapy only for her to become quite nasty and tell me I was crazy. That's a good point regarding the argument for me getting nhs funding, thank you. I am prepared to fight for funding and got a DES and SDQ20 scored by the Pottergate Centre for Dissociationa and Trauma which were both high and which are being sent off with the referral request.
Kind regards,
1+?????

Thank f*#king God that Una+ and doe-eyed have been able to reply and help you. You definitely needed/need to say "f*#k you!" to that b*tch and never go back to her. (Sorry if you've already left her, reading about her p*ssed me off so I skimmed through some of the replies and sh*t). Glad you're here, this is a safe, supportive, and understanding place, and you're always welcome here. Hope the sh*t with NHS and everything works out for you, and good to hear that you're prepared to fight for what you f*#king deserve. Don't ever stop fighting for that.

-KAT

Hi KAT, thank you for your response and the kind welcome. Sorry my post upset you though it is so frustrating that even with all the knowledge out there therapists still refuse to take it on board. You remind me of a part of mine, she thinks what you said and I definitely need to listen to her more
Kind regards,
1+?????