Worried about my friend.

I have been talking to a person on the internet I have come to believe possibly suffer from this disorder or something like it. The personality change is very noticeable, one is funny, clever, outgoing and a little mean. The other is helpful, introverted, a little boring but very nice. The spelling and word use changes very noticeably and she forgets things, things you shouldn't forget. Like that she had started reading a book and then a few days later forgets she even has that book, there have been many incidents like this over the past six months. But it has gotten more noticeable lately, she is forgetting bigger things and for a little while I was actually convinced I was talking with two different people. Any attempts at confronting her about it is met with either anger or excuses that don't hold up. A problem is that I don't know this person personally, just by email, I don't even know where she is, that in it self seems is a little strange to me after half a year. There are a few things that suggest she was abused as a child but she completely denies that.

So could someone here tell me little about if I should try to talk with her about it or just overlook it? And how to talk with her in general so I don't offend her or hurt her feelings? I get very worried about her sometimes when she acts really strange, usually just after the change happens, sometimes I worry my emails are causing her to change. I care about this person and I want to help her but like I said, our only contact is by email. Is there anything I can do just by letters when she refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem? By now I'm wondering why she is even still talking with me, sometimes it seems like she wants help but I don't know. So far she has called herself by three different names with no explanation as to why. Am I right to worry about my email friend and what are the risks if she has a disorder and doesn't get treatment?

Kind regards, D.

Hello tripmix, and welcome! You seem like a very kind and understanding person to want to help someone you only know by email, and I think you've come to the right place. This site has been a huge help to me and others, so hopefully it'll be of some help to you.

This can be a very delicate situation to people with possible DID, especially if they don't believe they have it. Even if you're able to convince one personality that they may have DID, another one might still refuse to believe or may simply just not know at all that they may have such a thing. So you're right to approach this with caution.

If I were you, I'd start saving your emails/conversations if you haven't already. Save as much as you can, especially ones with memory problems, different names, anything that's as convincing as it can be. Highlight areas that are especially convincing, such as the different names, and let her see the forwarding addresses and such so that it might help her to see that she sent them. You could even save replies from you to show her that this is a conversation you two have been having. Along with that, gather some good links that explain what DID is, how it's caused, symptoms of it, etc. Make sure that they're credible, easy to understand, and are very clear. Sometimes people simply need to read about something that they've been experiencing for it to "click" and make sense to them. Also, you may want to include this site. Let her know that she can ask questions herself on here and get other peoples' opinions, ones who know about DID and who have DID themselves. I don't think I would include this posting though, because she might view it as you going behind her back or something.

With all of that collected, write her an email expressing your feelings first. Let her know that you care about her, that you're worried about her, and that you simply want to make sure she's ok. Be completely clear that you don't think she's crazy, you don't think there's something "wrong" with her, you just want to help her with her memory gaps and you think you may know why she's been forgetting things and such. If she doesn't remember forgetting such things, let her know that she has been very forgetful lately and that you have proof (the email conversations). Also make it clear that you don't and won't judge her, you won't stop being her email friend, and that you simply want her to read some stuff you've gotten together that you think she needs to see. Let her know that it would mean a lot to you if she read it, and that you only want her to read it; there's no pressure to agree with it or anything. Above all, there should be no pressure, she should be able to read it whenever she wants, and she should know that you only want to help her figure out why she's forgetting such things so often.

It sounds to me like she's in a bit of denial, so try to not dump all of this on her at once. Let her know that you want to talk and that you don't want it to end in a fight or anything, you have no intentions of insulting her or making her feel bad, and you don't presume to fully know her since she is an email friend. Make it clear to her that you are not trying to push any of your opinions on to her, nor do you assume that you know all and are right about everything. And start slow. Tell her that you want to talk, let her know your feelings about the situation, and then start sending the evidence slowly, with possible discussions inbetween about what you've sent to her.

Some people are in denial about the possibility of having DID, and they'll just need to eventually wake up on their own. Some personalities are designed to protect against the knowledge of DID, and they'll brashly deny it or refuse to believe it. Sometimes, you just have to wait until the mind feels safe enough and ready enough to face the truth. Do you know if she's in a safe environment? I know you don't know too much about her, but do you know if she's being abused now or is she away from all of that? Because if she's not in a safe environment, or at least a safer one than where the abuse happened, that'll just help the denial to be stronger. (Such as, does she still live at home with possibly abusive parents?)

If she reacts with denial and anger towards all of this, drop the subject. Keep the evidence and the sites, but let it be for a bit. Stay in contact and keep being her friend, but let the subject cool down for a while and don't push it. Perhaps remind her once in a while that you have stuff you'd like her to read, but that's it. Like I said, sometimes people have to wake up on their own, and even though it's frustrating, all you can do is be there for them and wait.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I hope others chime in for advice for you. Whatever you decide to do, proceed carefully, and make sure that you're clear and honest with her and that she knows you only care about her and want to help. Best of luck to you!

Thank you very much for the long and helpful reply. I did try talking with her and unfortunately it did rather quickly deteriorate into an argument. Not about DID though, once I started pointing out her memory gaps she turned it away from that and started bringing up old stuff and got really vicious. I did manage to end it on a friendly note though, frustrating but I'm her friend so I'm sticking with her no matter how she acts. She lives by herself now so she is safe, I do worry that she has no other friends than me though. I don't want say too much about her in a public forum but I'll be hanging around and reading up more on this. I'll have to let it cool off a bit now before I bring it up again. I should go trough all my mail anyway, I've been messaging with her every single day for over half a year so there is a lot. And I kind of take that to mean she needs me in some way and doesn't have a lot of other people to talk with. Thanks again for the very helpful post tomboy, I appreciate it.

You're welcome, I'm glad I could be of some help. I'm sorry to hear about the argument, but am glad you managed to end it on a good note. Be careful, though. Enough arguments, especially if they turn vicious, will chase her away. The best way to approach this is to not react to her. If she gets angry or mean, don't respond with your own anger. Keep calm and logical, and be clear with her about how a fight is the last thing you want and that you don't mean to upset her. If you don't do anything to provoke her or any negative emotions, then you have a better chance of continuing to end things on good notes and it might also eventually prove to her that you simply want to help and nothing more. But if you react to her and let your emotions control you, things can get out of control and she could begin to view your lack of control as "proof" that you don't know what you're talking about. You've got the right idea about letting things cool down for a while, though, and I'm sure that no matter what happens, with how supportive you've been she appreciates having you as an email friend. I do believe you are right in that she needs you in some way, and you're a great person to answer to that need. I hope that you're able to continue helping her, whether it's opening her eyes to possible DID or just being there for her until her eyes open by themselves. Remember that you're always welcome here, whether you need advice, support, or just to vent.