I'm new here

****May Trigger***

My name Amy.... sorta, it's my nick name.. my real name Angelique. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD and & Dissociation Disorder, the doctor that diagnosis me stated he thinks I may have DID because of how I reacted to my husband arrest and my own attempted murder. (which I don't remember at all, but the day it happened on the recording *police interview*, I was cold calm and collected and talked like I had no feelings what so ever. I was very matter effect) I stopped going after that, because I was only going to prove I wasn't lying about not remembering. I seem to function better then most in day to day life. No matter what happened, I seem to be fine... like when I start to cry... is normally when I start blacking out. Which happens more and more recently....

I am the oldest female child of two drug addicts. the oldest female with 9 younger half siblings, and one older full brother. When I was three I was put in foster care. The report there said I was molested when I was with my real mom.... but I don't have any memory or that, or when I got raped by my foster dad when I was 5. I honestly don't remember. When I was 8 I went to live with my paternal grandma, who was very mental and physically abusive. I at that point was responsible for most of my siblings. I remember bits and piece after that... but more the time I felt like a robot. and don't think my memory issues have anything to do with DID.

When I got into middle school... I stopped using the name Angelique or Angel and went by Amy, after another sexual assult that I do remember (by my own birth father, when he went after my half sister who isn't is) I refused the name he gave me. And reinvented myself. My friends said I scared them. I was smart, outgoing and kind at school... but around my family I always did 180% where I was more of a shy and defensive.. the other scary thing is I wouldn't remember anything about home when I was at school... Even my friends that knew both sides (that was two) said I would scare them cause no matter how bad things got at home or how much I was crying or physically hurt, I "played" prefect at school.

When I was 16/17.... I noticed more changes, at times I would tell my friends my name was Kai & switch back and forth between the name Amy & the name Kai. This was after I had my first child. & ran from a really abusive relationship.

I don't remember anything from 18-20.

When I turned 21 my paternal grandmother killed herself on my 21st birthday.... and right after that, I completely snapped. My husband was deployed. and putting me through hell.... mentally and emotionally. I had two boys at this point. I blacked out for about a month. But I went under the name Kai, and it freaked my best friend Joshua out. He said she was cold & heartless.

I already explained to you the other thing when my husband got arrested......

Now I am 24.... and going through hell, but I haven't blacked out yet.... I last time I blacked out was 22. But I am starting to dazz.... and the more my ex husbands family keeps prying into my life and harnessing me... about my kids and my newborns. the more I start to go in and out and not act like myself. But I remember, it just more like..... watching myself do it... but I do remember. Joshua positive I have DID.

The other thing is..... I think I may have another... side. I just don't know how to figure it out. I don't want anyone to know in my life.... but would like some help with people that have it too. I know I should get therapy. But I can't afford it, and I am very secretive about myself. I don't trust people. But I know I need help. Between my ex's family messing with me... and everything. Just can't get it here

Hi,
In some areas, there are Ts that will work for pro-bono, or considerably waiver costs in accordance to life situations. You sound like you are in an incredibly stressful situation, just gathering up a support network can help tremendously. Also, keeping the local crisis line number down really helps in a pinch.

I do recommend a good book on healthy boundary skills or how to set healthy boundaries, might help with your in-laws situation and keep that stress to a low simmer rather than blowing all over the place.

Anyway, a warm welcome!
B

Thank you, I just want to know how to figure out if I do have DID and how to control it

From what you've written it sounds like it, but no one on the forum can diagnose you- you need to get a diagnosis from a therapist. Like Borg said, there are many therapists, crisis centers, women's centers, universities that offer sliding scale therapy and treatment. Even if you're not seeking a DID specialist (good luck with that one!) you can certainly find a therapist that can help you through crisis management and setting boundaries (which sounds like the most important issue at the moment). Books are a great start and can really help a lot. A therapist can guide you at a different pace and help you handle what you uncover. You can't always do that for yourself. Welcome

Hi Amy. It sure sounds like DID to me. And most people with DID also have PTSD. I am so glad you found this DID Forum!

As others have said, there are resources to help you: you just have to find them. Some people with DID find help through a church, but beware getting involved with people who would perform "exorcism" on you. Another avenue, if any of your children are old enough to be in public school, is to approach the school or school district counselors and ask them to refer you. You might also try calling private counselors, social workers, and psychotherapists local to you and ask them about other resources. Many will be glad to help you and it will cost you nothing.

I should add that you do not have to disclose your diagnosis to anyone, or even that you are looking for help for yourself. It is enough to say you are looking for local resources competent to help with assessment and treatment of trauma and dissociation.

Thank you everyone. I am looking into therapy and hoping I can find on that isn't to much money. My two friends set down with me and helped me figure some things out. and all in all it was a pretty good day, with only one "daz" moment... and that actually really good for me. I hope it stays that way. but honestly I think about things, and I don't think I would have survived my life if I didn't dissociate rather its' DID or another form of dissociation. I don't think I would make it if I didn't have that survival character in me.