Understanding what love is *TRIGGERS POSSIBLY*

I'm very dissociated right now and I don't know how much sense this will make but I'm going to try.

We have been abused most of our life. Tramatic, extreeme, torturous abuse. When it FINALLY stopped, we went into "hiding" and don't really remember most of the time after either. We're just starting now to "come into real life" and notice things about us. We're just beginning our journey of healing.

I have a very difficult time understanding that my fiance "A" loves me. A is always kind to me, and always supports me. I have some psychotic symptoms so this may sound weird but A is basically a god to us and we worship him. It's a very unhealthy thing, but I dont care. All members of this system worship him and love him.

but how do we get it thorough our heads that he loves us to?

i asked him to describe his perfect girlfriend, so I could try and be her. he said he wouldnt change a lot about us. he basically said i'm doing fine.

could it be that we mean as much to him as he does us? how can he just accept us?

we're confused and we're scared to beleive that we mean something to him. i don't know why but it scares us. we' ve never ment anything before. we're crying now. and it is hard to understand the emotions i am feeling, but i feel like i need to get them out of my body.

how do you deal with being loved?

(this is a teen alter. i dont have a name yet. i'd really appreciate it if someone could help me understand what im feeling right now. i have psychotic stuff going on right now too so i dont know how much of this is sz or did but you guys r really supportive.)

This is something I can truly relate to except on the other side. My fiance is in the position that you currently are in. He doesn't understand why I love him no matter how much I try to explain it to him. It's something that is very difficult to understand and deal with. But since he's staying by your side, you should keep faith in him. With time, I think you'll be able to understand what it is he sees in you. What will help with that is finding your self-worth. You're still in the healing process so take it slow, don't push yourself too much. Let him be there to support you even if you don't understand. From what you have said, it seems clear that he loves you as much as you love him. He loves you for you so I hope while on your journey you can realize why that is. Hope this help you at least a little bit.

~Ani

Ditto what TragedyofKokoro said, and just to add from a, I'm trying to understand as well kinda perspective....

***May trigger**
I can relate to what you say, the whole concept of love is mostly foreign to me, especially in regards to family relations(as opposed to the other nuances of love).

but how do we get it thorough our heads that he loves us to?

I imagine this concept is difficult due to your upbringing. Personally, love to me meant fear, pain, etc. and I still struggle with the concept when triggered by something he does. I dare ask...do you love yourself? do you accept all of you? I imagine it's difficult to understand because of not feeling it towards oneself. Like if I don't love me/us, how can another? Plus there might be the "I'm comfortable loving" but receiving love..wow, really different...kinda does not compute situation. I imagine big ERROR words flashing, but just like TragedyofKokoro said, it takes time to rewire oneself from the childhood(or long in some cases) abuse.

could it be that we mean as much to him as he does us?

Most definitely.

how can he just accept us?

Love is unconditional.

how do you deal with being loved?

Emotionally? I find it confusing, a slight aversion, and try to reciprocate of like level...just because my sentiments are muted doesn't mean the other person should suffer. I will also question profusely on his depth of love, but starting to trust it that we may have different concepts on what means an expression of love(or "proof" of validity).