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Is it just me in here, or....?

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Is it just me in here, or....?

Postby SpaceCadet » Thu Jun 28, 2012 11:23 pm

Hello everybody! I'm new to this forum and I'm trying get grasp on my situation I have. For as long as I can recall, I've been dissociative, and I have no recollection of my collective past; everyday I go forward, I'm unable to remember the day that happened yesterday...everytime i try, there's nothing...I can't tell if I was asleep the whole day, or what, but there's NOTHING to recall. I'm embarassed when people ask me if I remember a conversation we had, and I can't; I've become a total SPACE CADET :oops:.

I've felt these intrusive emotional states that tend to dominate my behavior from time to time (especially when under extreme stress) and they take on a life of their own, with their own way of looking at, and responding to the world. I even go 'inside' into this world where I can faintly hear the voices of others on the 'outside' but it's hard to make out. In there, I see other people, (young children, teens, young adults, and older adults, male AND female) My identity is completely unstable, and I feel 'blank' internally, and strange to myself...me as I am now is depressed, at times suicidal, and very ignorant to myself and my experiences. I have MAJOR identity confusion, about EVERY spehere of my personal life, so I've become very introverted/unsocial as a result; not to mention the fact that I'm 23, and I can't remember ANYTHING about my past. :shock:

When I dissociate under these situations I don't want to be apart of, I find it's easy to 'become someone else' and I watch the situation as if it happens to someone else, and when I come back into full consciousness I can't remember what happened to me during my absence; it's a HUGE blank. There's also times I can 'feel' these 'emotional states' take over me, and they're VERY STRONG. Some are VERY angry, some VERY sexual, some very intelligent, some very care-free, and happy, etc. I only know this because before I 'blank out', I will hear voices/thoughts that aren't in my regular range/personality, and I'll feel feelings that aren't necessary for the situation at the time; also, I'M never the one in charge feeling these things...I only ever feel 'empty' and like I'm not sure I exist.

My question is, WHAT is happening to me? Can anyone seem to help with this? I have been seeing a therapist, but he seems to be rather round-about, and won't help me to resolve what's going on...so can anyone help me make sense of this situation? I'd REALLY appreciate it if you could help me pin-point what's going on!

Thanks everyone in advanced!
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Re: Is it just me in here, or....?

Postby Borg » Thu Jun 28, 2012 11:56 pm

I'll see if I can't help. I know there are others here who give some awesome advice, so hopefully they chime in here as well. :D

So Hi! and Welcome!
When it comes to memory, and spaceyness, personally, the more DP'd/dissociated the spacier I get and memory. lol. what's that? I even forget my own name, and other really basic stuff. :lol:

I even go 'inside' into this world where I can faintly hear the voices of others on the 'outside' but it's hard to make out.
I noticed that as well with my own system. I like to "practice" shifting focus on my 'inside' vs. 'outside' and internally "adjusting the signal" or mentally walking towards the 'sound' to make it more clear/louder.

I see other people, (young children, teens, young adults, and older adults, male AND female)
Me too. Brown hair, red hair, tall, short, as a couple versions of my parents. :roll: Also one bug, a moth. :D And the occasional furniture(chair, doors, etc.) With these people, each one has their particular thoughts, desires, emotions, perceptions as well as name.

There's also times I can 'feel' these 'emotional states' take over me, and they're VERY STRONG. Some are VERY angry, some VERY sexual, some very intelligent, some very care-free, and happy, etc. But the strange thing is, I'M never the one in charge feeling these things...I only ever feel 'empty' and like I'm not sure I exist.
I get that as well, usually that means to me I might have messed up(depending on what's going on inside), and my insiders really need to tell me something important, or are feeling triggered and need some support.

My question is, WHAT is happening to me? Can anyone seem to help with this?
It sounds like you are going through alot, I don't understand what you mean by "this"? Does your T have any experience(or specialize) with DID, or any of the dissociative disorders?

Have you tried to map your system yet? (what you see inside, what you hear, feel, possible triggers, (like a journal I suppose)etc.)
Host 1(M), Host 2(F), Host 3(Neither M/F), Doubt(F), Charlie(M), Li'l(F), and more.
Dx: LD, Dyslexia, DP, DR, etc...so many.
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Re: Is it just me in here, or....?

Postby SpaceCadet » Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:48 pm

Borg, when I say 'this', it refers to this dissociative situation I've found myself in. I have been seeing a 'therapist' of sorts, but I don't think he specializes in Dissociative Disorders; in fact, I don't know if there's anyone in my city/state that does: I'll have to look further into that, and since I don't have health insurance, (don't even qualify for state) finding the money to go see a therapist such as this has been extremely difficult to fund, as well as find.

I have no clue what brought it on, other than the fact that I was grew up in an physically, emotionally, and psychologically, abusive, dysfunctional environment; somehow, I remember rough strokes of my childhood, but I'm not even sure if they're legit experiences...I have no image recall, no facts, details, nothing: I just have a vague 'feeling' that I went through something, I'm not trying to remember because it might conflict with what I'm going through currently. Worse yet, when I try to remember, I dissociate and another 'state' comes over me; mainly it's one of the angry ones....I can hear his voice, the anger, and it's like too much for me...I can feel these states kind of 'eclipse' my mind in a way if that makes sense. This is why I avoid emotionally-charged situations that rouse my anger, or that of another persons...I know that if one of my angry 'selves' comes out, than that's it; I'll stop at nothing to kill them, to destroy...it feels like insanity...that's the closest term I have to putting it, before I just depersonalize, and float up to the ceiling, or on a wall, and watch him...notice also how I have no recollection of the events that transpire after the moment of depersonalization.

I've learned that whenever I don't want something apart of me, I can 'split off' from it by repression, and forcing myself to dissociate, and depersonalize to the point that another person (by way of habit) comes to the forefront and absorbs the experience. In fact, I've been told by my father I've done some very 'strange things' that I don't recall doing. Things that aren't in my range of interest or repertoire.
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Re: Is it just me in here, or....?

Postby tomboy24 » Mon Sep 10, 2012 7:06 am

hi! :mrgreen: my name's cassie. what's your's? i'm glad you're here! you sound like you fit right in! oh...i dunno if that's a good thing to hear or not... sorry... :oops: :oops: but at least you know you have a safe, supportive place you can go to! :mrgreen: i hope you find it helpful. :mrgreen:

i know i'm only 8, but i'm pretty smart. i get a lot of stuff that people don't think i get. and i love helping people, so i'ma try to help you. :mrgreen: i don't mean to sound rude or anything... :oops: sumtimes i don't talk the best when i'm tired.

it definitly sounds like you have DID to me. it sounds like what rain would read to me from her textbooks. the faint voices, the emotional memories/states, the people in your head, the blank spots in your memory, everything! it all sounds like DID. at the very least DDNOS. so you've come to the rigth place! :mrgreen: i would start looking up stuff on DID and learning as much as i can to help make sense of stuff. it helps to read sumthing that you couldn't explain or put into words before and then bam! you read the words that you've always felt! :mrgreen: it can feel pretty good to know it's not made up or anything like that. and it's a lot more common than people think. maybe not in consentrated areas, but overall, it's more common than most people think.

i know a lot about what you're talking about, and i know cassandra does too. she's the main one out and called the host. she does the everyday stuff and then we help her get threw tuff stuff. so she gets blank spots when she switches and feels emotional states and has emotion memory and stuff like that too. like when kat comes out, cassandra will feel this flash of anger, and then that's all she remembers is being really really angry. the anger comes from kat and it's kat who remembers what happens when she's out. i hope that makes sense. :? i just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one going threw this stuff! :mrgreen: *hugs if wanted!*

it sounds to me like your mind might feel ready to start uncovering stuff about your past. the fact that you know so much, like hearing their voices and seeing them and knowing about your black outs and everything, and that you don't really notice anything that could've brawt this on, it might be that you're ready to start learning more about yourself and start remembering stuff. i dunno, but it's a idea.

i would start looking for clinics that spesialize in helping people who don't have a lot of money. if you can't get sumone who knows DID, try to get sumone who knows sumthing similar, like PTSD post tramatic stress disorder, or even depression. this stuff could help you or parts of you and that would help all of you as a whole. :mrgreen:

i hope you you find your answers soon, and i hope you feel better soon!

-cassie
| Cassandra; Kat/Kataki; Rain/Riyoku; Shay/Shadow; L.C. & Luna; Ray; Cassie; Lynn |
| Prism |
| Marie; Valera; Phenix (Rebel); Dallas & Damone; Kyra; "Blank"; Bridgette; Cassidy |
| "Hannibal"; "Big Ryan"/Ryan; Keith/"Little Ryan"; Kuro |
| Hawk ; The Doctor |
| Aurora (mermaid), werewolf, silent one, black ponytail, Kichijoten, The Master |
| Maiingan |
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