Hello everybody! I'm new to this forum and I'm trying get grasp on my situation I have. For as long as I can recall, I've been dissociative, and I have no recollection of my collective past; everyday I go forward, I'm unable to remember the day that happened yesterday...everytime i try, there's nothing...I can't tell if I was asleep the whole day, or what, but there's NOTHING to recall. I'm embarassed when people ask me if I remember a conversation we had, and I can't; I've become a total SPACE CADET .
I've felt these intrusive emotional states that tend to dominate my behavior from time to time (especially when under extreme stress) and they take on a life of their own, with their own way of looking at, and responding to the world. I even go 'inside' into this world where I can faintly hear the voices of others on the 'outside' but it's hard to make out. In there, I see other people, (young children, teens, young adults, and older adults, male AND female) My identity is completely unstable, and I feel 'blank' internally, and strange to myself...me as I am now is depressed, at times suicidal, and very ignorant to myself and my experiences. I have MAJOR identity confusion, about EVERY spehere of my personal life, so I've become very introverted/unsocial as a result; not to mention the fact that I'm 23, and I can't remember ANYTHING about my past.
When I dissociate under these situations I don't want to be apart of, I find it's easy to 'become someone else' and I watch the situation as if it happens to someone else, and when I come back into full consciousness I can't remember what happened to me during my absence; it's a HUGE blank. There's also times I can 'feel' these 'emotional states' take over me, and they're VERY STRONG. Some are VERY angry, some VERY sexual, some very intelligent, some very care-free, and happy, etc. I only know this because before I 'blank out', I will hear voices/thoughts that aren't in my regular range/personality, and I'll feel feelings that aren't necessary for the situation at the time; also, I'M never the one in charge feeling these things...I only ever feel 'empty' and like I'm not sure I exist.
My question is, WHAT is happening to me? Can anyone seem to help with this? I have been seeing a therapist, but he seems to be rather round-about, and won't help me to resolve what's going on...so can anyone help me make sense of this situation? I'd REALLY appreciate it if you could help me pin-point what's going on!
Thanks everyone in advanced!