Rosee wrote:I don't see myself with a disorder - this is just how I developed given the circumstances I was brought up in.
After I'd had the SCID-D assessment the person who diagnosed me how I would feel if I got the "label" of DID... I said the exact same above. It wouldn't make a difference except give me validation for what it is I am going through and empower me to do everything in my power to get the life I want
I thought I'd chime in here and share, since my experience is quite different.
It is actually the DID that allows me to be as high functioning as I am, I think. I've never really had a time that I wasn't high-functioning (though I came close when I was retraumatized a couple years ago). I had never had therapy until a couple years ago, and because the dip####t therapist retraumatized me I now can't be without it. So, really, therapy helped make me worse and almost not functioning, rather than the other way around. Of course, getting worse sometimes is absolutely necessary on the road to getting better.
I have pretty severe PTSD and depression, am consistently suicidal, have extreme anxiety in general, and am highly social phobic and introverted. I do not take meds. Yet, I perform regularly as a comedian, without being too specific I do extensive research and clinical work and teach in the area of psychology and trauma, and I also train people at a gym on the side. Most people would describe me as laid back, weird, always high energy and chipper, assertive, and confident. This has always struck me as very odd, but made perfect sense when I realized the DID. Somehow, I'm able to completely dissociate my history, symptoms, anxiety, and fear and just be a person who is the exact opposite of what one might expect with what lies underneath.
But there are difficulties, of course. Time gaps being one of them. Because I am so super busy all of the time, generally my "forgetfulness" or "absentmindedness" is just attributed to my being busy. Plus, I take extensive notes, write absolutely everything down, always carry around note pads and an organizer to keep track of everything, replay any meetings with new people in my head over and over so that I don't forget having met that person, and I constantly have an almost running tape in my head repeating what day it is, what is on the schedule for that day, where I just came from and where I'm going to, who have I had contact with today, etc. It's a lot of work, but keeps me functioning. I guess this would be my biggest tip for working in a business, too. However, I do not do well in uptight, conservative, office type environments. I get away with my DID because of my sense of humor and comedy and so my "playfulness" at times, or my sudden outbursts that seem inappropriate or whatever it may be is just laughed off and not really paid much attention. When I've worked in conservative type environments I've always found myself in quite a bit of trouble. So, I just stay away from them rather than try to impossibly conform.
I also make sure to always put time to exercise in my schedule (if that's what you mean by body-time). It is the one thing that I know for certain will help me maintain some balance of sanity and helps to decrease my anxiety and depression. It's part of my regular schedule and I don't allow myself to miss it no matter how horrible I feel or how busy I am. I know without it, I can easily slide down a very slippery slope.
And, as for integrating parts- I would like nothing more than to have that happen. I, personally, don't understand why anybody would want to be happy without integration. For me, this separation, compartmentalization, and dissociation is Hell. It's too much work. I am extremely high-functioning, but yet I always feel that at any second I am going to break and it's all going to be over. I can't have a break down. I have too much to lose. So I live everyday in terror... not of my past, but in the dire possibilities of my future.
I am many, but we are all in this together.
"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do."
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)