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Could You Give Me Some Feedback

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Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby Alln1 » Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:47 pm

I had become friends with an older man. Mostly we would talk about spiritual things. We have known each other for over a year and had started talking on the phone every day, sometimes more than once, ocassionally seeing each other as friends. He keeps his world pretty controlled, and is not very aware or in touch with his feelings. He is aware that i am a multiple. Early on i had asked him if we could come out with him separetly, because i knew there could be alot of healing in that. He said no, but that bascially if we switched we switched. So now this has been months later and i wanted to ask him why he wasn't comfortable in getting to know us individually. Not that i wanted him to change his mind. And i didn't try to get him to change his mind. I just wanted to know why. So the day after i asked him why, and he responded that he just didn't know how.The next morning, I got a tex message from him stating that he didn't want any further communication with me and if i called or texed he would not respond to me.
My T seemed to think that i never shuold have asked him why, but instead just respected the fact that he had said no.
Then yesterday i was talking to her about my desire to share with a friend that lives in another town, something that at times comes up that bothers me about her. It has to do with how she responds to me sometimes. My T seemed to think that i shouldnt talk to her about it, and that the issue is that i need validation. I know we all do, so does she. I don't want or think i have a huge hole i am trying to fill with other peoples okness or approval of me. I just think, every good friendship needs to have a space in it for honesty if the other person is doing something bothersome. There are times when things need to be discussed, right?
I am left feeling like i am just not going to get the validation i need or desire from this T. Which is not the same as regular friends or associates. I am sure she needs to at times share with her husband, and she had even shared with me something she had worked out with a friend of hers. So i don't understand why she seems to think it is not ok for me to share, discuss, work out, communicate, etc... Could you please give me some feedback.
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby watcheroflights » Wed Mar 14, 2012 7:29 pm

Alln1
Sorry to tell you this whether it is an SO or a friend they either accept the whole package that is you or none. Even more with those who have DID. No relationship works if only the good parts of an individual are accepted. So let this man go in addition any so call friend that will not accept you for the person you are.
As to your T, go find yourself another therapist. Simply she is putting you back in the mode of hiding which got us all where we are today. The hiding, keeping the secret is as damaging as the disorder.
To hell with hiding and keeping the secret! If others cannot handle this than it’s their problem not yours and you do not need them in your life. What you do need is someone or people who love you for who you are and all of your many parts, who cares for you no matter who is fronting.
If one hides all the time before those in their life then one is not being honest and one is putting on a false fact. Either way one slices it nothing good can come from such behavior. Worse, in our view, it is just one more form of abuse and self abuse. Has not the abuse gone on long enough in a vain attempt to hide the person you are? Be true to yourself or in this case selves.
Just our view but on this issue we are just a little on the radical side.
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby Alln1 » Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:47 pm

Thank you so much watcheroflights. I appreciate your feedback!
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby boopsy26 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:04 am

Watcher, what a great response! I thank you too!
I am many, but we are all in this together.

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do."
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby Rosee » Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:30 am

You have to consider the other person’s feelings. Some people are open to it and some people just can’t get their head around it.

It’s all about you. You must take responsibility for your own validation. It’s unfair to put this on other people unless they are open to it. It’s a heavy weight to carry for us who must carry it and even heavier for those who don’t.

I agree with your therapist. Save your time and energy trying to get others to understand and work on yourself instead.
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby watcheroflights » Thu Mar 15, 2012 2:44 am

Rosee
It is good to have concern for others feeling but how about people with DID feelings. It is like telling a person with autism to stop being autistic. It is like telling a person, with a disability, to stop having a disability because you did not like that part of a person or it makes one feel uncomfortable. Yes, those with DID should live in the dark ages, not to be heard, not to be seen, and surely not to be seen in public in that it may offend someone or makes someone feel uncomfortable. Hell, let’s just send all with DID to the dungeon, or lock them in a cage or a dark room where society does not have to see them in the fear that someone may be made to feel uncomfortable or put out. Hell, burn them at the stack because they are “possessed by evil spirits” that worked well for several centuries. Sorry, shear non-sense! All this atitude does is keep one with DID in the hiding, keeping the secert mode.Sure that seems to be working for a lot of us here really well.
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby bourbon » Thu Mar 15, 2012 10:40 am

Wow... even reading about what the therapist was asking you to do was making me panic. She basically is restricting your life... telling you what you can and can't talk about? eek. i had enough of that growing up if my T ever pulled that stunt i would be out there so fast!
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby Alln1 » Thu Mar 15, 2012 1:42 pm

Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I appreciate it. Blessings
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby Rosee » Thu Mar 15, 2012 9:32 pm

Hi! watcheroflights.

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with you. It's difficult to share our feelings especially with people who don't get it. All the more reason for us to stand tall and take care of ourselves.

I'm not telling anyone to stop being DID, I'm telling them to be themselves and to do what works for them regardless of other people's opinion of DID.
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Re: Could You Give Me Some Feedback

Postby Johnny-Jack » Fri Mar 16, 2012 12:31 am

Alln1 wrote:He keeps his world pretty controlled, and is not very aware or in touch with his feelings.

Wow, that's an emotionally unhealthy person, as you describe him. He is not good friend material because he basically wanted boundaries around who you could be with him. Not wanting you to switch (even if he suggested he would allow it), wanting you to keep being only who he had become somewhat comfortable with, was an indication of a need to control.

My guess is that the primary target of the control is likely his own emotions. Controlling his environment and people's access to him helps him control his emotions. His cutting you off entirely, outside of being the act of a non-friend and quite cruel, is further evidence of a need to control, so powerful it trumped common considerations.

This man is either an undeveloped person (lacking normal emotional maturity) or was damaged. Even damaged people can develop one or more areas of their lives where they can function normally. His conversations with you were likely real if emotionally limited. He could have been fearful of DID on top of all the rest but an emotionally healthy person would have been able to admit that.

My T seemed to think that i never should have asked him why, but instead just respected the fact that he had said no.

I don't want to come down on your T because I don't know how the explanation came out, but I think that sentiment is bogus. Based on the amount of time you spent together, you had every right to consider yourself friends. You should be able to ask a friend why he's uncomfortable, especially when it relates to your friendship.

I've lost two good friends because of this DID so far and I've cut off ties with several family members. I need people around me who can be to some extent understanding, accepting, and supportive. They don't have to listen to all my woes, I know it's tough, but I need friends and family who are willing and able to acknowledge what I'm going through, even if they can't help. I think of a parallel situation. What if I discovered I had cancer? What would I expect of my friends and family? Among things I would not accept would be ignoring my problem, or making things more difficult for me by being unpleasant.

There are times when things need to be discussed, right?

Yup. In my book, that's a requirement of friendship. Sometimes friends aren't ready. But they can't be friends with me, speaking for myself, and never be ready to discuss any of it with me. I would not act like that if they were going through something. Why in the world would I accept it from them?

Your T doesn't always have to or should validate your logic or your conclusions. But they should validate your emotions, that the emotions you're having are valid and not wrong.
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