Thanks guys it was a weird day. I was crying really hard when I wrote that but pushed it aside in order to go to work. It wasn't until I got to work when I realized I needed to seriously ground myself cause I was just feeling odd and feeling like I was not here, but somewhere else.
Everything about today was very triggering. The weather changed and my roommates opened all the windows and turned on fans. We used to do this in our old house, when I was ages 10 to 14. I don't know why it would cause so many horrible feelings though. Then a friend from my old church contacted me and I can't contact her back...another closed chapter, I feel like I was a different person when I knew her. I purchased a plane ticket to see my Grandmother who I haven't seen in 13 years, and so that reawakened a lot of mourning, and I spoke to my mom, who is 100% against my reconnecting with that side of the family. My mom believes that my dad and that side of the family is evil, and has drilled this into me for as long as I can remember, about how they are all "satanic." But I love them. At least, sometimes I do(parts of me do?) but I think a part of me believes that if I love them, that makes me evil too.
She was making all kinds of jokes and laughing about how all her children have been possessed by demons at one point or another(she was talking about temper tantrums we'd have when we were younger). I didn't find it funny. I can remember years ago her shouting and screaming horrible things to my little brothers and calling them demons. Neither she, nor my brothers, were laughing then either.
We were talking about some things when I was 4, 5 years old. She was astonished I couldn't remember before 5.
Then she got all paranoid again and was asking me what I was typing(she could hear me typing while we talked, I was actually just looking at flights). She grilled me and asked if my T ever asks me to write down me and my mom's conversations and share them with her. I think she thinks I'm talking $#%^ about her to my T.
She'd be right.
-- Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:53 pm --
I almost forgot, thank you to Bourbon, tomboy, underice,brandic,darkdreamer, for all your kind words. We started crying while reading them, and the little kept on saying "my friends" over and over. Thank you