The more I think of it, I believe that certain parts that have been active during stressful times in my life have spontaneously integrated after they've done their job. That would be R and little brother... cos really, I've tried 'reviving' both of them now that I found out what and who they are (yes, isn't it rather pathetic
) , and although R has visited twice very briefly it wasn't the same. It was just good, I felt safe and warm and loved, without the manic-depressed, anorectic edge. I feel that they are me and I am them, and it will always be like that.
Whenever I notice that P is affecting me, which happens often nowadays (and P is very talkative), R seems to be quietly around but he's passive. I don't know if it's because I assume they were born together and somehow they form a pair. R's two recent visits were before P came to introduce himself. Maybe R opened the door for him.
Oh, I dunno.
I'm not 100% sure about the integration now that I mentioned about P and R being connected. It could be that P just reminds me of R. At least little brother seems to be on the shelf permanently.
What was it like when R and I integrated? Before he stopped being active, I made a spiritual-like journey. I've told about it earlier. I sort of flew into the landscape in my mind, the night river landscape that is R's world. I went to look for him, to find his body, because I had only met him 'as a spirit' and I was desperate to locate his physical body. He was the one who had always made me sad and restless on rainy nights, when I felt that someone has gone missing and is out in the cold alone, and I should rescue him. Even as kid I used to talk about it to my sister when the feeling overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do about it.
I did find R that night, I saw his body. All of this happened inside my mind, but I wasn't sure then if it was a journey on some spiritual level, the whole thing was so unusual. Maybe it was then that I realized he is one part of me that has existed separately for it dawned on me that if we go on like before he can be lost again, or he could start 'haunting' me with more force, which would involve more active self-harm. So I rescued us. I felt it was my decision. I don't remember the actual merging, but I stopped noticing his presence and the negative aspects of his personality that had prevailed without break for several months were gone. I also felt like I woke up from an altered state that had been going on for the whole time he was there.
On the other hand, since I was in the middle of the crisis of losing a terminally ill family member, when R was gone I had to deal with all the pain and sadness and confusion without his indirect solutions. It was a rude awakening on many levels, (edit) but it was a healthy one. Instead of R's major vulnerability with a big twist of self-harm, there was a new acceptance of vulnerability and weakness in me, for up until R came, I had been trying to be as strong and tough as possible in order to not collapse. I stopped forcing myself to be strong after what I think was our integration.
they didn't live in islands tough, that's for sure. the ocean is meant for swimming