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***TRIGGERS*** Confusing falling asleep and switching...

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***TRIGGERS*** Confusing falling asleep and switching...

Postby yakusoku » Tue Jun 28, 2011 4:50 pm

This might be ***VERY TRIGGERING*** as it involves marital intimacy, a sexual alter and my husband's sexsomnia/sleepsex condition.

So, because I do have some (I think minor) past assault experience in my teens, possibly some as a kid I can't really tell if it's real, and my whole relationship with my husband is full of noctural, nonconsensual initiation due to his condition, I have been snuggling my husband until he falls asleep and then moving to the floor for safety, so I don't get triggered by his episodes, which make me freeze half the time. Every once in a while, I fall asleep in the bed out of nowhere. It's like I'm not even tired and then I wake up if he moves or if he tries to start stuff in his sleep. :( I've had to set an alarm on occasion. which negates the point of holding him to sleep.

A lot of these times I fall asleep unexpectedly, I get these weird daydream like experiences, snippets of conversations, etc. Another thing I thought was just a normal part of falling asleep (like hypnic jerks of a sort), but don't know if that's the case. It's a pretty common experience for me when I go to sleep. I have chronic insomnia most nights, but whenever I do fall asleep suddenly it happens in this weird dream-takeover way. It could just be sleep deprivation as I know that can factor in. Anyway, last night, it felt like someone. I have an alter who welcomes violation (probably as a way to deal with it happening so often in our marriage). I thought I had just one, a young one, but now I feel like there's another. She feels older, not like this little one who is just trying to find a way to deal with the confusion of violation coming along with physical pleasure. It felt like she was getting me physically worked up and also trying to trigger my husband to have an episode, which slight physical movement sometimes does. She was saying things about wanting that violation/invasion experience (well, in a not-nice way, that is my translation). Now, I wonder if she has been purposefully making me fall asleep in bed, partially responsible for aspects of my intimacy that are very disturbing to me, purposefully been triggering my poor husband into violating me, which has been hurting the little ones since they came more forward after their attachment stuff got triggered by my thearpist.

Is this even possible? Because, I *think* I have been sleeping when my husband initiates, but now I wonder if someone else has been there, awake, triggering him instead. If I have an alter who is active like that at night, it would explain why I can still feel so exhausted when I get a full night's sleep. It would also explain why I have been "waking up" at the same time of night repeatedly, hearing chatter that I can't quite make out, again, very day-dream like...not purposeful, but not like a REM dream either. I don't know how to explain the difference. It's more like I am sitting back witnessing a conversation or interaction, rather than participating in it. That's what I mean by daydream-like. There are other characters, usually imaginary or archetypes of a sort, but I have no interaction with them, like watching a movie. So, I suddenly am wondering if I have been doing full switches without knowing it and have an active night-time alter who has become responsible for embracing the reality of my nonconsensual intimacy and causing my chronic sleep deprivation, which has continued even after I have left my bed and been "safe."

I'm feeling like if I'm not making this up, she is bisexual and also the one who was giving me sudden, intense feelings of wanting to be with a woman (both relationally and intimately), which I have been getting on occasion for a few months now, which has never even been a consideration for me before, as I have negative transference with most women.

Does this sound like switching? Does anyone have similar night-time or sex-only alters? Without knowing about them at all?
Yaku | ISH: OO; CT; Taylor | Michael (denial); Melanthe (control); Angel (shame masochist); __ (annihilation) | Robby (protector - 17); Sara (poet - 16); Rose (social - 15); Sam (tomboy - 10); Sonya (shame - 9); River (7); LY (hub - 6); Luke (disbelieved - 5); Grace (4); Mason and Claire (D-attachment - 2); Hana (1.5).
yakusoku
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Re: ***TRIGGERS*** Confusing falling asleep and switching..

Postby Mr.Fox » Tue Jun 28, 2011 7:07 pm

Hi yakusoku,

I was going to post about this the other day on the waking in surgery post, but this is pretty much what i was going to get at also. I have been told by my ex who has been helpful in constructing a map of what goes on with me when I'm not aware. She told me that I frequently got up and did things around the house after we had both gone to sleep together, or initiated things that I had no recollection of. Also that I could be very aggressive if woken up from a deep sleep when i was physically exhausted or sick and that I wouldn't remember the incident when asked about it. Things like waking up and checking the locks over and over, or moving things like wallet, keys, phone. had to get my truck re-keyed once the day after I bought it since my keys disappeared, still never found them. My roommates told me I was up and active well into the night when that happened. which didn't make any sense at the time, but was another puzzle piece into discovering my DID. I have been told by girlfriends that when they try to initiate when I'm asleep that I become very agitated and have even started fights with them about the fact that they want to be intimate, or alternately been very submissive and/or aggressively sexual about doing what they ask of me. it's led to no small amount of conflict, and many misunderstandings in my relationships and i have only recently been able to put together some of the pieces about the things I do when I'm not aware/awake.

I have problems staying asleep, my startle response is way higher than it should be and I often find myself out of bed, on my feet and in an attack position before I even realize whats going on or why I'm awake only to have it be a car bass, or my cat running into things. I get very confused lately about what is going on, and trying to make sense of things i have been doing for a long time and not been aware of. I think I have an alter who is very aggressive that watches over me when I'm sleeping, hides things from me and has an uncanny ability to tolerate large amounts of sedatives and remain conscious. and at least 2 others that I haven't figured out yet, since i have different reactions at different times to people trying to be intimate with me. sorry if that is confusing I don't quite understand whats going on with this, and so I'm just being single for a while and not seeing anyone until I can figure out how to trust again and come to some peace with some of the inner conflict I have about being abused by past lovers.
Fox-28Shy,empathic,artistTod-28,Craftsman,worker,serious.Jon-16 Defensive,intelligent,laborer,self-destructive. Michelle-35(f)Librarian, supportive,caretaker.Flower-16caretaker,extremely shy,quiet.Lindsey-6 ISH for T.J.-5troubled kid.
Al-8(Nonverbal, formerly RAGE)
-A falling leaf does not hate the wind.-Zatoichi
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Re: ***TRIGGERS*** Confusing falling asleep and switching..

Postby yakusoku » Tue Jun 28, 2011 8:28 pm

***Triggers***

Thanks. I'm seriously starting to think I'm making this up, because the info comes so quickly sometimes. So now, my OO (Objective Observer, kind of like Spock from Star Trek TOS or pre-emotion-chip Data from TNG, depending on your preference :wink: ) is suggesting that the kid I am referencing and this new "part" I think I'm coming across are actually sub-parts of the same whole...is that even possible? Like two sides of a coin or conjoined twins that share some physical sensations and even emotions? So, when one (overtly sexual, adult) part gets involved, so does the other (kid, doesn't want to grow up, hates sexuality) part. While one part is enjoying the experience, the other is suffering badly from it (like pleasure and nausea at once)...and then the older one seems to be incorporating the suffering of the younger one into her enjoyment? Yuck. But, both of these parts, though different "ages," seem to originate from the same 10-12 year old age in my life and are probably a combination of working through some previous trauma and having one caregiver (my grandmother) who was obsessed with my puberty in a controlling (wanting me to stay little), puritanical way (and I'm hoping no other reason, as I'm getting icky feelings there still) and another (my mother) who had a literal parade of sexual partners throughout my childhood with a lot of inappropriate exposure. Anyway, that's what the OO says about this. Not sure that really makes sense, but no one inside will tell me for sure about the possible CSA that an even younger part has tried to show me. I guess they know I'm not ready?
Yaku | ISH: OO; CT; Taylor | Michael (denial); Melanthe (control); Angel (shame masochist); __ (annihilation) | Robby (protector - 17); Sara (poet - 16); Rose (social - 15); Sam (tomboy - 10); Sonya (shame - 9); River (7); LY (hub - 6); Luke (disbelieved - 5); Grace (4); Mason and Claire (D-attachment - 2); Hana (1.5).
yakusoku
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