This might be ***VERY TRIGGERING*** as it involves marital intimacy, a sexual alter and my husband's sexsomnia/sleepsex condition.
So, because I do have some (I think minor) past assault experience in my teens, possibly some as a kid I can't really tell if it's real, and my whole relationship with my husband is full of noctural, nonconsensual initiation due to his condition, I have been snuggling my husband until he falls asleep and then moving to the floor for safety, so I don't get triggered by his episodes, which make me freeze half the time. Every once in a while, I fall asleep in the bed out of nowhere. It's like I'm not even tired and then I wake up if he moves or if he tries to start stuff in his sleep.
I've had to set an alarm on occasion. which negates the point of holding him to sleep.
A lot of these times I fall asleep unexpectedly, I get these weird daydream like experiences, snippets of conversations, etc. Another thing I thought was just a normal part of falling asleep (like hypnic jerks of a sort), but don't know if that's the case. It's a pretty common experience for me when I go to sleep. I have chronic insomnia most nights, but whenever I do fall asleep suddenly it happens in this weird dream-takeover way. It could just be sleep deprivation as I know that can factor in. Anyway, last night, it felt like someone
. I have an alter who welcomes violation (probably as a way to deal with it happening so often in our marriage). I thought I had just one, a young one, but now I feel like there's another. She feels older, not like this little one who is just trying to find a way to deal with the confusion of violation coming along with physical pleasure. It felt like she was getting me physically worked up and also trying to trigger my husband to have an episode, which slight physical movement sometimes does. She was saying things about wanting that violation/invasion experience (well, in a not-nice way, that is my translation). Now, I wonder if she has been purposefully making me fall asleep in bed, partially responsible for aspects of my intimacy that are very disturbing to me, purposefully been triggering my poor husband into violating me, which has been hurting the little ones since they came more forward after their attachment stuff got triggered by my thearpist.
Is this even possible? Because, I *think* I have been sleeping when my husband initiates, but now I wonder if someone else has been there, awake, triggering him instead. If I have an alter who is active like that at night, it would explain why I can still feel so exhausted when I get a full night's sleep. It would also explain why I have been "waking up" at the same time of night repeatedly, hearing chatter that I can't quite make out, again, very day-dream like...not purposeful, but not like a REM dream either. I don't know how to explain the difference. It's more like I am sitting back witnessing a conversation or interaction, rather than participating in it. That's what I mean by daydream-like. There are other characters, usually imaginary or archetypes of a sort, but I have no interaction with them, like watching a movie. So, I suddenly am wondering if I have been doing full switches without knowing it and have an active night-time alter who has become responsible for embracing the reality of my nonconsensual intimacy and causing my chronic sleep deprivation, which has continued even after I have left my bed and been "safe."
I'm feeling like if I'm not making this up, she is bisexual and also the one who was giving me sudden, intense feelings of wanting to be with a woman (both relationally and intimately), which I have been getting on occasion for a few months now, which has never even been a consideration for me before, as I have negative transference with most women.
Does this sound like switching? Does anyone have similar night-time or sex-only alters? Without knowing about them at all?
Yaku | ISH: OO; CT; Taylor | Michael (denial); Melanthe (control); Angel (shame masochist); __ (annihilation) | Robby (protector - 17); Sara (poet - 16); Rose (social - 15); Sam (tomboy - 10); Sonya (shame - 9); River (7); LY (hub - 6); Luke (disbelieved - 5); Grace (4); Mason and Claire (D-attachment - 2); Hana (1.5).