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i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

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i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

Postby inlove&confused » Mon Mar 07, 2011 10:38 pm

i’m a woman who is in a new relationship with someone who has DID. i just moved half way across California a week ago to be with her.. I had known that she had the disorder before I moved down, but hadn’t experienced any of the alter egos before then. my second day here, we had a misunderstanding and it got really blown up and said I was leaving (meaning, leaving the house for a bit, but she thought I meant leaving her altogether and going back home). it was then that a much darker, angry and hostile personality came through. ever since then, it seems any little bit of misunderstanding results in this personality coming out. yesterday, it happened in public and she was screaming louder than I’ve ever heard anyone scream, it was torturous for both of us. I didn’t know what to do.. I couldn’t respond rightly, I kept trying to explain myself but it was making it worse. she said I needed to focus on her, and I don’t know how to do that because I feel like if I were to clear up the misunderstanding, it would alleviate things. it’s obvious that I need to handle it much differently and clearing up a misunderstanding isn’t the solution. I need advice. I love her. I’m scared, she had threatened to kill herself, she did hit me (not with full strength, it seemed more like an outlet than wanting to hurt me), and it seems like this darker personality is more at the surface now. she had a bad experience with a counselor before and she is against going on medication. I am afraid that if I bring up going to counseling again, it’ll trigger her anger and will feel judged or that I think she’s crazy. I have never been exposed to multiple personality disorder like this and I just want to be good for her. I also have a hard time trying to balance my own feelings while taking hers into consideration. I feel as though I have been continuously putting myself on the backburner in order to avoid that personality. I can’t tell if I’m doing this right. i want to be as understanding as I can for her but I’m worried of the long term consequences of my self-worth. I find myself avoiding bringing up anything that bothers me, or saying anything that is in disagreement with her, and I’ve become hypersensitive with how I word things. I just don’t know, I’m really confused and I don’t want to leave her, I want to help her and be there for her. any kind of advice would be helpful. thanks
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Re: i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

Postby cocoanutmonkey » Tue Mar 08, 2011 3:30 am

I have to first say that it's unfair of your lover to put so much pressure on you. Being DID I feel I can say this without backlash, as I hold myself to this very standard when I'm around anyone I love / care about at all. It should also be mentioned that I tend to fail miserably at playing fair and being nice :P Sorry about that, but it IS true that sometimes, I just can't help myself.

Ok, now for the actual advice. No matter what, you need an outlet of some kind. You need to step away from the situation and your lover at least once a week and focus on just yourself. This is NORMAL and the only way anyone is ever able to keep their balance. That means that this advice is true for every single human being on this planet. It is NOT selfish; it is a genuine need. Having a balance within in yourself will help you cope and help you be able to help her {I believe you said her, sorry if I read that wrong}.

Misunderstandings should definitely be cleared up. But with an angry alter, they're simply too irrational {mine typically are} to even care what you really meant. They mainly just need to vent and protect. You might have to wait on explaining yourself and just address whatever crap the angry alter is throwing your way. A good solution I've found is to just let them speak and yell uninterrupted and release all of that crap they've got stuck inside. Once they have it all out and you've addressed every issue they have, that should help calm them down long enough to allow you to explain what you really meant. However, the fact that they hit you, even in if they didn't mean to or they held themselves back, is not ok. Some boundaries need to be set up as well.

What I'm thinking, is that you should get your lover into a relaxed atmosphere someplace where she couldn't possibly feel threatened. A place she herself feels safe and relaxed in. Once there, you should talk with her - very non judgementally, with patience and understanding, etc. {sounds like you already try to}. Maybe you might have to write a letter. Either way, let her know that you love her and will be there for her and that you're ok with her. You're even ok with the angry alter, though you're not ok with the violence shown you. Tell her how you feel about her and how much you want to be with her and stick with her through this. Let her tell you everything she wants to and make sure to address any and all issues she might have before getting into your own. I'm very sorry, but we are EXTREMELY needy people. Even when I try really hard not to be, I still find myself being VERY selfish and demanding to my loved ones. To me, they're all I have. I don't have much, so I over compensate and just demand the impossible from them. I even blame them for things that I logically know are impossible to blame them for {like my best friend being a boy - I fault for that :roll: }. They only way to calm me down when I'm being irrational and straight up STUPID is to just let me vent {said boy has a GREAT philosophy concerning me :P}. Then calmly talk to me about it and remind me that I just did something I myself don't actually approve of. So you might want to take this tactic with her as well maybe.

Now here's the REALLY hard part. Angry alter will most assuredly show up, thinking there's an attack. I'm sorry about this, but it's an automatic defense mechanism designed to attack first in order to prevent any harm. You must be patient and let them say their mind. Address everything they say and accuse you of; but don't let it get to you. Most of what they say is designed to scare you off or hurt you or release pent up rage and pain. Probably all three. Remain calm, let the bad things they say roll over your head and don't take it to heart, and constantly keep reassuring them that you love them and are there for them.

DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO HIT YOU. You don't have to get angry. What you can do is stand up, apologize {again, very calmly and lovingly if possible} that you can't allow violence like that, and walk away. If they get aggressive with you, by all means defend yourself and get out of there. Your lover WILL understand the need to protect yourself {at least she had better because I sure as hell don't tolerate that crap from any of my alters to anything I even remotely care about}. You can always call her later or, if you don't feel too threatened, try talking with her again.

This will take patience {A LOT of patience; the patience of Job!}, time, love, and, most importantly, your very own balance. If you need, go into therapy {even if it's online forums}. Make sure you're taken care of. When you're burnt out and down for the count, you will no longer be able to be there for her. So make SURE you are ok and sane and balanced.

I'm sure other people have much better advice, but since I didn't see anyone write yet, I thought I would throw in my two cents. I hope things calm down for you and that this all blows over very quickly. I'm thinking your lover is just so in love with you, that this angry alter feels it must be on call at all times to keep you from hurting it. I know it doesn't make any logical sense, but I've noticed with myself, that the more I care about someone, the more I'll hurt them when I'm unsure how much they care about me. It's a stupid mentality of get them before they get you and, worse, a way of testing you to see how true you really are. I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck to you.
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Re: i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

Postby katana » Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:34 am

i dont know all that much about this, but i have different parts/alters something like that, and feeling threatened brings out my worst parts, so if she feels at all threatened, that's likely to happen. i guess if this side is protective, when she feels safe, this side of her is less likely to come out, so if you want to talk about things, as cocoanut said, make sure she doesn't feel threatened first.

i agree with the advice on taking time out for yourself - everyone needs it so don't neglect yourself, neglecting yourself can be easy to do if you're busy trying to help out someone else. while its not your responsibility to manage her condition, if you choose to you can certainly help out by knowing & understanding what's going on. has she tried to communicate with her alters? (she might not get a friendly answer from the angry one, lol but in time its possible to get through) i think some people find different alters can be brought out by different things, so she might be able to learn to control switching to an extent too.

I would have thought it would be a bit generalised to say all people with DID are needy tho, wouldn't it depend a lot what their alters are like? One of the best things about having different parts is being able to help each other... one of the worst being able to attack/control each other... feeling like you have to tiptoe around her isn't going to help either of you, is it possible to sit down and talk about her DID without making her feel like you're pressurising her into counselling/therapy? if she's had bad experiences it will take her time, but there might be other ways she could at least begin to manage things to begin with. (get her on this forum so she can ask questions !) I'm not sure if medication really does anything for DID ..?
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Re: i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

Postby cocoanutmonkey » Wed Mar 09, 2011 5:26 am

Katana: We = me and any who share in on my particular mentality. Sorry for it coming off as generalizing {which is also something I do too, though}
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Re: i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

Postby katana » Wed Mar 09, 2011 10:09 pm

cocoanutmonkey wrote:Katana: We = me and any who share in on my particular mentality. Sorry for it coming off as generalizing {which is also something I do too, though}


Sorry! my misinterpretation. shame there aren't 2 different words for we :oops:
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Re: i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

Postby inlove&confused » Wed Mar 09, 2011 10:36 pm

thank you so much for your responses, it's all really helpful.

the past couple of days have gone really well and i believe she is being more aware of trying to manage it, probably since that last time was so incredibly intense. and i, also am being more aware of what exactly is going on and feel like i can handle the situation better. the subject of DID is kind of odd to talk with her about, she says she's afraid that if she does a lot of research and focus on it, that it'll get worse for her. she also mentioned that if she were to go to an online forum like this one, that she might compare her experiences with others and either discount her own as though she's making it up (if she were to read others' experiences as being much worse), or be faced with the idea that she is dealing with something really serious. i also get the impression that she is worried of what i might feel if she were to be diagnosed, as though i'd feel like i have a 'broken' girlfriend. i do think it's starting to ease up though, and her point of view on getting help might be shifting gradually towards seeking it from what i can tell recently. i am feeling much better about it and hopeful.

i will definitely be taking your guys' advice on creating my own personal time to maintain balance, and i'm getting myself ready to bring it up with her in a non-threatening environment. i think it'd be a great thing for us to create some comfort about having some dialogue about it without having to approach the counseling/therapy aspect. i am still very new in understanding this condition, your guys' input is very helpful and insightful. THANK YOU. <3
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Re: i'm dating someone with DID and need advice

Postby Onlyme » Thu Mar 10, 2011 9:46 am

Hey, my gf has DID as well. I don't have the time right now to give you proper advice but I think this website might clear a lot of things up for you. I remember when I first found it, I thought it was quite helpful although I knew most of it from dealing with my gf already.
http://www.op.net/~jeffv/so1.

Hope it helps! You can always PM me if you have questions.
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