I probably spent too much time trying to figure myself out and ended up burning myself out multiple times
the first year, which is why I know myself so well. Yeah, I spent too much time.
I was so fixated on FIXING, I forgot to live.
At least I can help, somewhat!
What I mean by working to figure them out, is usually to have a journal everyone can write in, someone external
to me that my kids can talk to (If they don't feel safe talking to me, which they usually don't) -this person being
very skilled in dealing with trauma, lucky me... sitting still for long periods of time, closing my eyes, listening
VERY carefully to everything that they say, or every jerky movement and recording it, along with whatever
I was thinking about or was exposed to at the time, and even doing recordings.
My hunny figured out a heck of a lot of stuff, he's very talented in being able to figure this stuff out, I owe him
so much... and my therapist helped loads as well.
I'm also fortunate to have been a pack rat (I have collections of all sorts of things from when I was very young to
now, so I have videos... pictures... school work...) so I can look at all these things I -don't- remember, and
find out who reacts to them, and why, and who was there during it, and (sometimes) what was happening.
Other times, they reveal to me in my dreams lost memories, tweaked slightly by dream fare.
There are all kinds of things you can do to learn yourself, but I would recommend LIVING first and learning second...
I made that mistake
Never push too hard or too fast while learning, and take lots of time to process.
It will all come in time. If you force it bad things happen and you usually end up taking a step backward.
You'll usually be warned by becoming hazy or someone reacting.
I've described my system somewhere in my posts, certain ones are not "awake" but they are constantly filtering information,
so that they can react and wake up to specific triggers, without knowing the context. The ones who are dead asleep don't react at all, and the ones who are "awake" know the context and what was happening as well.
If I'm hungry, they'll usually get really upset if I don't eat, or someone will eat for me.
Oddly enough, even if I've eaten and I'm full, someone will go and eat again if they don't realize I've eaten because
they enjoy doing it... not good for the stomch D:
It's good to keep everyone updated on what's going on, med taking, food taking, water drinking...
Once co-conciousness happens more frequently it won't be as much of an issue.
The little kids remember some of the worst things we don't remember, and they have little kid fears.
So if they're filtering information they can still react.
Sometimes you need a specific alter awake in order to draw out a younger kid, because one of the jobs
that alter has is to keep that little kid asleep... if you can calm down the alter, let them know they're safe,
not judged, nothing bad will happen, and they're not around anyone from the past anymore, then they might
relax a bit and gradually (This does NOT happen the first few times in my opinion, it took me all of two years
to finally talk to one of them) allow the extremely vulnerable young one to peek out, and maybe heal a bit
if they are accepted, loved unconditionally, and not made to feel bad for their emotions, and feel safe.
Some of the littlest ones can't write but they like to draw, talk or play to share their story.
The only reason certain ones have EVER come out is after two years of an extremely stable, safe relationship
away from all my abusers, with a very loving man that understands DID and trauma very well and would
never touch or do anything inappropriate to the kids, and hug them while they cried or were angry (Only
if they allowed him to hug) They'd prefer to open up to him than to me, because they feel he is safe.
Only once they were ABSOLUTELY SURE he was 100% not going to leave us, not going to hurt us, never going
to do something bad to us, did they finally peek their heads out.
It sounds like hard conditions, and it is, but that's what my specific system needed.
It sounds crazy, but yeah, an alter CAN be awake while you're physically sleeping.
I had the worst sleeping problems and woke up if someone even gently opened the door (And made no noise)
because F would be awake and know they were there. He could sense (or was listening) to presences close to me.
Once we found this out, we made sure F felt safe enough to sleep as well (Make sure he knew nothing bad would
happen to us, he was pretty adamant about keeping his post!) and my sleeping problems vanished, and I no
longer need sleeping pills and can sleep through my sweetie getting up in the night or snoring.
That's the amazing thing about DID, is that it's adaptive functioning. We mold ourselves to save ourselves from the
worst abuse and pain imaginable. It actually makes so MUCH sense, it's crazy. It's the abuse that wasn't sane.
Maybe I should write a book about everything I've learned