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So Alone..

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So Alone..

Postby brockovich4321 » Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:21 am

I feel more alone now then ever.

Sure I have DID and you guys can empathize with that, but I'm yet to meet any other (aware) MC victims/subjects/survivors etc.

I've only ever connected with one other person, who has been through "this" and came out the other side into awareness.

It's a lonely life.

I can not rationalize my abusers actions. Not in a healthy way anyway. He loved me. He wanted what was best for me. I'm not doing what I was supposed to do. I'm going against the flow. It's really hard to be this person but I can't help it.

"Someone's let the light in" those words have echoed through decades.. Someone taught me better. Someone taught me how to block there advances. Some taught me how to stay present when they wanted me to go and another alter to step in. Someone taught me that, but I have no idea who, and the evil men basically through me to the way side..

Would I be happier, back in the group? Knowing none the wiser, going alone with their wishes. Because this life is harder than I ever thought.

You can check out, but you can't ever leave. Famous last words..
I am a 30 yo female w self replicating MPD due to institutionalized MC..

Hosts: Emma & MU
ISH: Becs & Asile
Active Protectors: TJ&Tots, Georgie, Rowe, OB
Passive Protectors: Chels, Steph, MB
Babies: Miche&Stac, Fae
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Re: So Alone..

Postby Truly_happy » Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:17 pm

Brockovich,

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. I might be able to sympathize more if I knew what "MC" stood for. Would you care to explain?

Famous last words.


Is this a suicide note?!?! :shock:

- Cullen
We are Conjoined Minds, an OSDD 1b system with 100+ alters.

Imre ("EEM-ruh") - male, 20, compassionate, acting host
Cullen - male, 14, loves life, helpful
Janice - female, 20s, ever-present, zesty
Jadden - boy, 11, pleasant, leader kid
Ning - female, adult, cat humanoid, passionate

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Re: So Alone..

Postby birdsong87 » Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:26 pm

yes, life is lonely.

if you are looking for someone just like you, even among 7 billion people, you wont find them. even if they survived something similar, it is still not the same. even if they were abused using the same script, they reacted differently. even if they also have alters, they developed differently. you wont find a system like yours in the world. you are unique. everyone is. and so everyone is experiencing funndamental loneliness.

our own experience... we met a few survivors in person and it was a great disappointment. we were trying to find "us" in them and we didnt, because they were just "them". its not working this way.

on the other hand, it doesnt need someone just like us to break the power of loneliness. it needs someone who is willing to listen and understand, someone who can show honest empathy and communicate acceptance. it could be anyone, no trauma or alters needed.

maybe do not assume that nobody on this forum has any experience with MC. it is a very sensitive topic and most didnt have anyone to teach them how to stand against it. public forums are often not considered safe, as any handler could also write, hiding key words in posts. some would consider it something between thoughtless and reckless to post openly about their experience.
Dx: DID cPTSD
L (host); Mike (caregiver); Asti (co-host, achiever); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Thamara (child); Danielle; and others
our blog on resources: www.dis-sos.com
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Re: So Alone..

Postby Truly_happy » Mon Jun 19, 2017 4:30 pm

Brockovich,

Okay, based on what you wrote, and what someone said to me in a PM about this thread, I gather that MC is "mind control"? I don't know much about MC, but I have heard of people with DID being used in a way that sounds a bit like what you describe.

We've been manipulated ourselves by (trigger!) an abuser who took advantage of our alters who enjoyed the abuse (end trigger).

You aren't alone.

- Cullen
We are Conjoined Minds, an OSDD 1b system with 100+ alters.

Imre ("EEM-ruh") - male, 20, compassionate, acting host
Cullen - male, 14, loves life, helpful
Janice - female, 20s, ever-present, zesty
Jadden - boy, 11, pleasant, leader kid
Ning - female, adult, cat humanoid, passionate

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Re: So Alone..

Postby clairekitty » Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:42 pm

i am really sorry you feel alone. it is a scary feeling. i just wanted to tell you that if you want a hug i am sending it. but if you do not like a hug i can take it back. i hope you are ok.
from Birdy
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Re: So Alone..

Postby Carico » Tue Jun 20, 2017 2:35 am

Hello,

I understand how you can feel alone having had this kind of experience.

I feel alone, trying to be in relationship with someone, whom I wonder may have suffered similarly..

His story remains to be uncovered ...and folks don't wanna deal with this stuff
..it's too daunting and complex.

Even when I have tried to talk with a closest, most open minded friend, they can barely comprehend what I am describing ...so it is isolating.

I just want to send you some good feeling, support, joy! somehow.

I am willing to exchange or listen. I have spent a lot of hours reading and listening to talks, peoples stories .. about MC and related things ...although I am just a multi-faceted singleton SO.

my father was a Marine.
and I have started to uncover some difficult memories of my own that I wasn't aware of.

I remember as a kid talking to him and suddenly a word or a concept/subject would cause him to shift and he would start speaking in these kinda flat tracks ..hard to describe.
We would no longer be having a conversation. I would just have to let him go through this track until he finished..

Anyway, maybe nothing compared to what you are talking about, in terms of MC ..yet, there is something there in him that I am still trying to uncover in my own story.

~carico
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Re: So Alone..

Postby brockovich4321 » Wed Jun 21, 2017 11:57 am

Truly_happy wrote:Brockovich,

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. I might be able to sympathize more if I knew what "MC" stood for. Would you care to explain?

Famous last words.


Is this a suicide note?!?! :shock:

- Cullen


Hi, thanks for your reply.

MC stands for "Mind Control", I was "raised" in a group who practised their practises. You can Google mind control and you will find a vast variety of what I am referring to.

My grandfather (in his youth) worked for Dr Green. My grandfather was both a victim (as a child) turn perpetrator as an adult. He was not my handler though. Just my first programmer.

Basically I feel as though my life was a science experiment. Born into this cr@p, "raised" by this sadistic group of people, then I was thrown to the wayside as I learnt how to block their commands/started functioning as an individual/and was no longer any use to my family, including my mother.. this all happened around the age of 8, and then I had to "survive" until I escaped at 16.

Quite the rejection to deal with.

Quite the brain fu(k.. when you are raised by people like this, you are in constant mental turmoil unsure of what is right and what is truth. That is MC.

-- Wed Jun 21, 2017 9:59 pm --

Truly_happy wrote:Brockovich,

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. I might be able to sympathize more if I knew what "MC" stood for. Would you care to explain?

Famous last words.


Is this a suicide note?!?! :shock:

- Cullen


PS. No suicide note, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. It was something I was told to encourage dissociation. To check out was to dissociate, but I could never leave "the program"

-- Wed Jun 21, 2017 10:07 pm --

birdsong87 wrote:yes, life is lonely.

if you are looking for someone just like you, even among 7 billion people, you wont find them. even if they survived something similar, it is still not the same. even if they were abused using the same script, they reacted differently. even if they also have alters, they developed differently. you wont find a system like yours in the world. you are unique. everyone is. and so everyone is experiencing funndamental loneliness.

our own experience... we met a few survivors in person and it was a great disappointment. we were trying to find "us" in them and we didnt, because they were just "them". its not working this way.

on the other hand, it doesnt need someone just like us to break the power of loneliness. it needs someone who is willing to listen and understand, someone who can show honest empathy and communicate acceptance. it could be anyone, no trauma or alters needed.

maybe do not assume that nobody on this forum has any experience with MC. it is a very sensitive topic and most didnt have anyone to teach them how to stand against it. public forums are often not considered safe, as any handler could also write, hiding key words in posts. some would consider it something between thoughtless and reckless to post openly about their experience.


Thank you for your reply.

I understand what you are saying.

I would love to meet someone else who was subjected to these experiences, for the sole purpose of creating splits and sadistic enjoyment.

I understand, no one's story will ever be the same as mine.. I think it's the feeling of being used, born into a life where you are nothing but an experiment, your life defined before you can even remember, being selected as a chosen child that suits the program = good and bad.

Good because you're the special one, bad because of what you have to go through. Failing everyone when you turn into something you're not supposed to be. Learning everything you were supposed to be was wrong & not the normal upbringing.. having no family left because you've deserted then and their sadistic practises..

That's what I need in a friend.. that person might understand..
I am a 30 yo female w self replicating MPD due to institutionalized MC..

Hosts: Emma & MU
ISH: Becs & Asile
Active Protectors: TJ&Tots, Georgie, Rowe, OB
Passive Protectors: Chels, Steph, MB
Babies: Miche&Stac, Fae
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Re: So Alone..

Postby Carico » Wed Jun 21, 2017 7:49 pm

Hello,

Sounds like you are more in a space of needing support than extending it.
I understand if this is the case.

Just getting to know how this forum works, I have been being as neutral with language as I can.

But maybe too vague?

I think my SO is from a lineage of MC abusers. In fact, I am pretty sure of it.

He is just starting to uncover memories. He is in his 50's and I have read this is a common age for 'programming' to start to melt down.

It sounds like you knew early on what was going on and had the awareness and spunk to leave it! ?

If you feel at all willing to read the post I put out there recently, "Partner being accessed..."; and let me know what you think.. I would really appreciate it.

I want to support him through it, but it is daunting at times. I have been run off the road twice by large black trucks with skull imagery ...and a few other things.

I am happy to PM, if you think that's better. Tho, I did read Una+ idea of keeping things out in the open. Don't want to upset anyone. Yet, this is an important matter and I think there are a lot of people affected by this ..and isolated with it.

~carico
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Re: So Alone..

Postby brockovich4321 » Thu Jun 22, 2017 11:31 am

Cairo, I replied to your thread but now it has disappeared. What happened?
I am a 30 yo female w self replicating MPD due to institutionalized MC..

Hosts: Emma & MU
ISH: Becs & Asile
Active Protectors: TJ&Tots, Georgie, Rowe, OB
Passive Protectors: Chels, Steph, MB
Babies: Miche&Stac, Fae
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brockovich4321
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Re: So Alone..

Postby Carico » Sat Jun 24, 2017 2:10 am

Brockovich4321, hello,

I did get your reply and I posted another response, then una+ also, replied... would like you to read it..
if you want to.

Thanks, carico
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