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Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

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Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby ringkichard0811 » Sat May 20, 2017 7:35 pm

Hi all...we are sorta new here. Our host is in and out right now. We are trying to take it from the top. We need to vent and maybe someone can help us see what is happening to us. We have been in and out of the hospital, again for the 2nd time this year. We seem to be unable to be committed to long term inpatient care, and we believe we need this because right now some of us are being destructive, harmful, harrassing to a likely ex SO. Our host loves her very much but is in trouble. He was hijacked when some of our more destructive alters got triggered / comorbid mental illnesses flared up

I am Sigma. Right now. We can call our host A. Our story involves an S/O who suffers from DID as well, amongst other trauma related issues, with whom we have been in a relationship for a while, quite a stormy one. We have bad alters.

So where to begin? Well prior to this relationship, our host had fallen for a woman, and he perceived her playing games and called her out on it. Then came apart at his perception of loss when she dipped on him. He was SO frustrated when he couldn't understand why he had no control over his begging her to give him a chance (it seemed like the relationship was going somewhere). This was about 14 months ago...I think. What happened? I don't know but he began to suspect maybe schizophrenia was a problem. Psychotic symptoms. We (the alters) seemed to be "bound" to one another still but he also noticed it seemed like his words and actions weren't always his choice...feeling revulsion and disbelief at his own actions and words. Where did the insanity come from? For a brief back story on our trauma history...years of emotional, verbal and physical abuse from our parents, witnessing the death of one and sexual abuse by people in our neighborhood, frequent bullying, bad and abusive relationships etc I think formed the basis for our existence.

So we fast forward to August of last year. We met this girl online who not long after we started dating told us she had alters / DID and other trauma related issues. He fell in love with her instantly. He didn't feel scared by her issues...he had often suspected he had it himself or something similar. They'd tend to have this relationship that involved breakups at regular intervals. She would get paranoid, delusional that he was going to hurt or abuse her children, have breakdowns during sex, etc. She'd leave him. And he'd break down, get angry...say awful things. But it wouldn't feel like "him." This keeps happening. He felt guilty and awful for saying these things because he believed it was him and usually alcohol factored in, but it always felt like somebody else's words when he'd get nasty. Not everytime he got mad, he knew he had instances of anger, bad behavior et cetera that were HIM and try to own up, but when he would be hurtful, furious...he would feel the emotions and see the words and feel like they weren't his. He might have been upset, but it would feel like he was possessed. Anyway the day before our last birthday some bad luck struck and apparently the S/O was upset with him for things he kinda wasn't aware of and dumped him.

When he saw her...she wasn't her. Different person. Had switched fronts. But it was traumatizing. The transformation...she was GONE. The woman he loved...gone. Begged and pleaded with her not to go (we have problems accepting when we break up with which we need a lot of help, hence wanting to be committed for her sake). Found out a week later she was pregnant and having an abortion. She was angry and disrespected that he didn't use protection (he promised her he would because ahe was scared, so he DID screw up there) and cited that and dependence on prescription medication, life circumstances, drinking et cetera as reasons for leaving. He was blindsided.

To be sure: we are NOT healthy. BUT. I don't believe he is "evil" or bad, either. He is generous, loving, compassionate and helpful at heart. Some of the rest of us are not. Especially so when we get "sick." And/or drink and use.

About a week after that split, he began to unravel and we began to slip through the cracks, indepedent pieces of a finally thoroughly broken person. It was guilt from a previous night of drinking. An unnamed alter (he is the FURIOUS, AWFUL one) we think is a disturbed childhood version of our host started sending awful, insulting messages to her. Again, the "kid" was in control, but the host was awake, aware...even in his cups. The same feeling of shock and horror as this awful fricking "child" took over. And he still terrorizes us with his behavior.

Before the alters started to take shape, we remember this delirious feeling. Like having a severe flu? Where you slip in and out of consciousness, have bizarre waking dreams, that sort of thing. We regressed to this little child, and one of our other alters demanded he apologize to her for being crappy. It is still confusing...we have trouble putting events in chronological order there for some reason (like mini blackouts).

Long story short we asked her to help us...and help us she did. My GOD she gave us so much. Money. Shelter. Love. Forgiveness. Friendship. Compassion. Sex. Too MANY F*CKING CHANCES. Risked losing her place for us. The list goes ON and ON and ON. And he tried he really did to be good to her but when one of them would go off kilter the relationship would blow up.

There is a LOT more to the story but I can't articulate much right now from the last few months. We had a similar episode to what we are having now though and were sure it was over. Some of us begged and harassed her via email and text for a while...manipulated. Never threatened her with violence thank God but the host eventually got a grip on them all when he realized how harmful they were being.

It happened again. Another blowout. Just a few days ago. It was worse. The awful, mean kid alter was taking snipes at her in the vehicle with her children present. Our mental health had been on the decline for the last week and she was in the midst of some mental health problems himself. It led to her making an accusation we were a threat to her children, something that happens semi-regularly (this tends to precede a protracted episode of delusional beliefs). But this time it contributed to our host's descent into another crazy episode too. And the kid came out to get revenge.

Basically, he tried to manipulate, get her to beg and plead. He had a huge grudge against her for recent events. Took off on the bike to go pick up prescription meds some 60 miles off, a controlled substance the SO was against because we bad at times abused them. The host was craving them for a while...especially given their capacity to relieve our depression when we'd get pulled under by a depressive episode as we have been lately.

The alters got tired and gave up, about 30 miles away and we called the SO to come get us. The SO and the kid (and actually another alter who was stirring the pot) had been going rounds over text all day. She was tired and upset and stressed. Agreed. Then changed her mind. Then changed it again and came to get us.

The kid kept GOADING her! In front of her kids! Calling her crazy...telling them she was afraid he would hurt them and abuse them and plenty other crappy things. He. Would. Not. Stop!

The host was almost in tears begging him to stop. He just took over the second we got in the car. I remember the kid saying he wanted revenge...presumably on an alter she has that tends to be nasty (he believed it was her I think when she pulled up).

We made it back to town and things went to absolute hell. He wouldn't shut up. Kept insulting her.

She pulled over, insisted he get out. He wouldn't. She was so upset at that point she tried to physically drag us / push us out of the car. He made another crack and she poured a flavored water drink all over us. He smirked and asked if she had anymore. We'd never seen her so angry.

She went to call the police and he just snapped. Took her phone, smashed it, ran back to the car and told her to go f herself. Ran BACK to the car and started punching her window repeatedly. He broke our hand. Scared her children.

This is NOT our host...one of us went berserk and became aggressive. Physically harming her was not thankfully a thought but still...

We're scared. And heartbroken. What is happening to us? We have never blown up like THAT on a girlfriend. We have never scared a woman like that.

We need help. We need a friend. Someone to listen maybe? Nothing can excuse that behavior. But where did it COME from?! We have never been violent. And especially never would let children witness this behavior.

It's too much. More than anything we feel ashamed. And don't know like...which of US are to blame? She didn't deserve ANY of that. Way too much.
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby Una+ » Sun May 21, 2017 1:20 pm

Well, however it feels, this is you. You are verbally and physically abusive. And you won't get better until you own it.

I think all of you need to leave this woman and her children alone, or you will end up committed to prison. If she has any sense she will make a police report and take that to court and get a permanent restraining order / order of protection against you so that the next time you attempt to engage with her or her family you will be arrested.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby Una+ » Sun May 21, 2017 2:01 pm

ringkichard0811 wrote:We have never blown up like THAT on a girlfriend. We have never scared a woman like that.

Except now you have. And there were children present too.

What happened? Let's see, you were craving drugs, you didn't get them, and you flipped your $#%^ on someone who was trying to help you by rescuing you, by giving you what you begged them to give you. Again. Someone who was enabling you. What you need now is not a friend to console you or talk you down or fix your problems. Anything that enables you now just perpetuates the problem. Which is: you have a drug and alcohol abuse problem.

Look to Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby ringkichard0811 » Sun May 21, 2017 3:29 pm

We do have a problem. But this isn't HIM. We were just in treatment. Went at her insistence (she left us while we were in there so maybe we were salty).

Her episodes set ours off. He won't allow himself to give up on her. But she has dumped us like 5 or 6 times in the last month over paranoid stuff she thinks we are doing (accusing us of being creeps, cheaters, molesters, trying to dip on therapy etc) and it has been driving us crazy too.

i can own it i think. i went crazy on her. but she was being mean too. it wasnt all just us. its frustrating like maybe we juat bring out the worst in wach other but she is a wonderful person, but when we are sick bad ###$ happens i guess -kid
Last edited by realityhere on Sun May 21, 2017 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: language
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby LearnToLoveTheRide » Sun May 21, 2017 5:19 pm

Hi Sigma

Can I ask you something: Is it easy for you to to live with DID? Probably incredibly difficult.

Can I ask you something else: do you think it's easy for a woman to live with DID, raise children and have the complication of dating a person with DID? I really think it's going to be incredibly difficult for her. She is probably in an absolute turmoil turmoil trying to figure her way through this.

Quite the drugs.
Quite the alcohol.
Go to AA.
Get into a DBT course.
Get into Therapy.

You are struggling yourself. You need to improve your condition before you can even contemplate sharing it with someone else.

I recently took out an Interim Protection Order against my wife. I didn't take it out against the Host, or Kiska, or the Littles. I took it out so that I had some form or record and recourse should my family be threatened - by whomever.

You are currently threatening this woman. It is not your intention but it is your behavior.

Peace and safety to you, her and her family... Brett
c-PTSD: 48 y/o Male, Singleton to (ex) partner with DID - multiple Alters
Father to 3 beautiful children, 1 of whom is displaying signs of early DID.
Caution: https://learningtolovetheridebook.wordpress.com blog may be TW
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby TeddyBear the helper » Sun May 21, 2017 5:54 pm

Well, it depends .. if you are a male and your SO is a girl, then you are bad. But if you are a girl, especially a pretty one, and your SO is a male, then your questions are legitimate..

Ask the question again but reverse your and your SOs sex and you will get way more helpful responses..
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby Una+ » Sun May 21, 2017 10:29 pm

@TeddyBear the helper: Seriously? And following LearnToLoveTheRide's post about obtaining a PO on his wife? A PO that was long overdue.

ringkichard0811 wrote:We do have a problem. But this isn't HIM.

This is you, collectively. This is you on drugs and alcohol.

ringkichard0811 wrote:i went crazy on her. but she was being mean too. it wasnt all just us.

Of course it wasn't all just you. That does not make any part of your behavior okay; that makes it worse. It is worse because here you are fighting with someone who you know is mentally ill and pushes your buttons. You both are in what author John Gottman calls a Relationship Roach Motel.

You and she both are acting out and neither of you is a safe or even remotely healthy person for the other to be around. Stay away from her.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby Pietmond » Mon May 22, 2017 4:02 am

Hi

Agree with Una and LearnToLoveTheRide,

Taking responsibility for your behaviour is the only way to deal with this. Get help for your addiction and other problems. Blaming an alter is never ok. Healing begins by acknowledging all your behaviour as your own.

Be safe and make sure you keep other people safe.

Kind regards
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby TeddyBear the helper » Mon May 22, 2017 8:21 am

Hi kingrichard, i didnt know that you were a didexpert that knew everything about controlling abusive alters. sorry for that :(
I have a question for you that i have been thinking about to ask about for a long time: i have a girl which have an alter who beats her up, the alter is impossibe to talk to and is totally out of control. How can i help her get in touch with that alter and stop that behaviour?
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Re: Abusive obsessive alters destroying our host's relationship

Postby ringkichard0811 » Mon May 22, 2017 1:30 pm

This is the host...basically everyone here is right though no I am not an expert on DID. It wasn't until her and I started dating that I was able to understand what was going on. I'd remember there were times I'd write stuff down one day, look at it the next and be totally bewildered at why I felt differently, internal dialogues with people who were harshly critical and nasty with me, etc. Guilt and abandonment tend to set this off.

I'm trying to stick to the topic here...drugs and alcohol, hm...the worrisome thing here is that we weren't using when this happened. Had been sober since we left treatment in April.

And another blind spot...this bothers me. I had something I was going to say maybe some comeuppance or bit of truth and someone just shut the door on it. It's like they don't want me to see or say it I don't know.

I am trying to let go but it hurts. I know this isn't the forum for relationships but for some reason ours was this catalyst for my problems to shine through. I had at one point suspected depersonalization disorder many years ago when I couldn't account for my sense that I was no more than a soulless organism walking around...trauma maybe.

Today my goal is to keep them under control and leave her be.

Teddy I dunno how to answer your question. I dealt with episodes where one would come out with cognitive distortions and demeanor polar opposites from the host. It is distressing. It was hard not to get angry and upset with "her" but eventually Tar learned to deal with her better. Learning about what makes her tick might help ease the burden off you but if she is injuring herself don't take chances get her to the hospital. Too risky.

A
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