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Core or no core?

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Core or no core?

Postby snailgirl » Sun Oct 23, 2016 6:47 am

Hi all, I'm really DDNOS but that board doesn't seem very active, with many threads getting 0 responses so I thought I'd try here. My intro post is over there though if that interests you.

Also, I googled and found an old thread about this that I could have added to, but I didn't want to be a necromancer as that thread was years old.

How do you know who is your core? Does it seem it's somehow a genuine you?

This question has been burning in my mind for a couple days now and my current feeling is that there is no core here. I (current Adult) was born to lead the system just two years ago, I know who was leading before me but no further than that.

It may well be that I just am not being let into that knowledge, I'm "just" another alter (albeit I'm the one who handles most of the daily life - but I do become an equal with a body and all if I go inside). There are some alters who know more about the system than I do, such as World's Strongest Girl, but they usually don't disclose anything, they want me to figure stuff out by myself but they give me strength and tools to do it. :|

My littles had been demanding to watch The Lion King for a couple weeks so we did it last night, and there too was the theme of remembering who you are. What a coincidence. It also seemed my littles remembered many scenes from the movie and I didn't.

Either they are trying to wake me up to "remembering the original one", OR they enjoyed the theme because they themselves were found only quite recently. (I do all I can to help them recover from their respective traumas and teach them to express their wants and needs, to get the childhood experiences we originally missed out on due to not having a safe adult around. We are also in therapy.)

This weird feeling may be that soon I find the truth about the Core, but as long as I haven't, this bugs me so much. :?:

Thanks for reading,
SG
Quite co-conscious DDNOS system. Body age 32
Starbaby 8mo, Eve, Sini, Tomato Girl 10, Iina 10, Peppi, the Happy Littles (several previously sad littles who got better and fused)
Nora 18, Cyan 15, K 16, Olivia, Teen Me
George (protector), Cardboard Cutout (emotionless helper)
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby IainEtc » Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:22 am

Hi SG,

Welcome to the forum!

People have different ideas on this so I'm just going to give you mine.

Host got super obsessed with trying to figure out who he REALLY was and what his core identity was REALLY like. It was like 'Who am I without all these weird people inside my head???' That's not how this works. We're NOT optional extras. It was just denial because he was weirded out about having parts. We finally got him to realize that the system is the real identity - everybody - all of us - together. We're a team. It would be seriously weird to ask - Which one of us is the team??? It takes all of us.

Maybe it's different with DDNOS but maybe not. I don't know.

Iain
Iain - 14, Colin - 17, Evan - 7, Cody - 16, & Host - the adult out front

When they say 'be yourself',
which one do they mean?
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby snailgirl » Sun Oct 23, 2016 12:43 pm

Thanks Iain!

I think I recognise the "who am i?!"... Not in myself as the current Adult but possibly an earlier leader years ago, who felt all the switches but couldn't negotiate with the alters or even see into the inside world. She felt confused and scared a lot. I'm comfortable with them (by now at least), I know they have important jobs and we get along save for the persecutors Thundercloud and Mom's Voice, but I don't know if there's someone who was born to this body and had to start splitting at 3 or earlier. Nobody responds affirmative or negative when I try to ask, nobody is specially protected as far as I can tell. It's definitely not me lol, I get hit, shot at etc if there's conflict inside.

AFAIK what makes me different from a DID system is that I don't have amnesia for longer than seconds or a minute at a time. My group is also very co-conscious, the ones that I can see are aware of each other too. Only some don't know that we grew up, they still think they live with Mom, and some must be hiding. Maybe I'll find out something new within the next few days.
Quite co-conscious DDNOS system. Body age 32
Starbaby 8mo, Eve, Sini, Tomato Girl 10, Iina 10, Peppi, the Happy Littles (several previously sad littles who got better and fused)
Nora 18, Cyan 15, K 16, Olivia, Teen Me
George (protector), Cardboard Cutout (emotionless helper)
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby Kaliwings » Sun Oct 23, 2016 5:40 pm

Greetings and welcome to this forum!

I've always know I wasn't the core from my first real memories at age 8 yrs. I didn't know what happened nor that there's were " parts," but always knew the real Stacey was dead/asleep. I still don't know what happened and that used to really bother me. I think you'll know when you're ready to and that may never happen. I've come to accept that I may never know and the core may never wake up.

I know a lot about my system now, but still get very anxious if I think too much about not being the true core. Don't know if this answers any questions, but you're not alone. Glad you came to this forum :)

Kali
Kali-Host/Collective
Faithe (Adult), Sabrina (Adult)
Tracey (8), Bethy, Mia, Estacia, Kimberly (4yr olds)
Teens- Trish, Renee, Anastasia
Stacey (8)- core/asleep
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby Team78 » Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:04 pm

Snailgirl,

In your signa there is a host, unless it has been a lot of time then that is the core. It depends on if everything all of your interactions aren't the legal name do you make others acknowledge an alter name even yourself at all times?

I think there is can be host many host I got rid of mine but that was only due to the external stressors of stalking and huge system. I acknowledge the legal name all the time and so does the system and will share if an alter isn't in their experience when I felt they might be. I guess I don't have to swap/switch all the time. I have stopped switches haven't acknowledge names in their influence either cause I don't have too a sense of agency is important enough other than a name all the time. I think that is more of those old diagnosers that wanna wait years before there is no doubt to diagnose. Several know the host name, I'll ask where the host go they'll share in room back where such and such is.
Dx: DID, PTSD, Panic Disorder

We are system of several.....Blog of system map
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby MakersDozn » Mon Oct 24, 2016 4:30 am

We've always believed that we have no core (and no host), because neither concept fits in with our own concept of being multiple.

Additionally, some of us have uncovered emotional memories from in utero. When combined with contemporary psychology's assertion that children are born with a fragmented sense of self that doesn't fully gel until the age of reason (about age 7), it stands to reason that our prenatal trauma could have caused us to be born as many, rather than simply as an "ungelled" singleton.

All the reason more not to accept the existence of a core or an original as a given.

Your Mileage May Vary (tm).

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Body cis ♀ (1962). Realized 1996 that we're multiple. System of 47, all cis: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (0-7+), 9 middles (8-11+), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+), + formless yin/yang.

Notable: Charity 25 (oldest), Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby snailgirl » Mon Oct 24, 2016 6:08 am

Thanks so much for the replies, all!

I may have used the terminology wrong. I said there's a Host because my Adult personality goes through the daily life of study, work, cleaning etc when the system is doing well. I (Adult) do feel the alters watching what I do, talking to me and each other, singing songs, and I can easily peek inside to check on the littles if they ring my ears a specific way that we've decided on. I can even sometimes ask a specific alter to help me with a task, it works If they agree lol. I can also feel if a little wants to write in the Littles thread and allow it, for example.
When the system is unwell the alters push through forcefully and run over the Adult, their tears come out of the body's eyes, their fists hit the body, there's a lot of physical discomfort/weird pain, sleepiness, etc.
Everyone here knows the birthname and responds to it (which kept me from realising I was switching when younger) but we're not attached to it and I've encouraged my alters to name themselves. The switches don't really induce amnesia, but if the Adult gets run over, I can go from Atheist to Pentecostal Christian to crawling around sucking my thumb because I am three (true story).

Why I don't think my Adult is Core:
- Adult was born in 2014 to pick up the pieces after the previous leader (now reduced to the Teen) wanted to die after making big mistakes. Adult has access to a lot of memories in first person perspective but the alters may have very different views of them. The neutrality of Adult regarding those memories allows her to work as a 'therapist' inside.
- Adult has a body in the inside place, and when inside, the POV can switch between alters.
- The alters didn't trust Adult by default and certainly don't protect her, Adult protects them. Some Helper alters do help Adult but their trust as well had to be won over first.

Lol I have a very hard time with the pronouns...Sometimes when I write, everyone ends up in third person but the one writing seems to be like that box of text in comics, just stating what is going on, not drawing attention to herself at all. Also happens when I talk out loud to doctors and therapists!

Soooo.... Oh well, I'll find out, there's no rush. :)

-SG
Quite co-conscious DDNOS system. Body age 32
Starbaby 8mo, Eve, Sini, Tomato Girl 10, Iina 10, Peppi, the Happy Littles (several previously sad littles who got better and fused)
Nora 18, Cyan 15, K 16, Olivia, Teen Me
George (protector), Cardboard Cutout (emotionless helper)
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby Kaliwings » Mon Oct 24, 2016 6:55 am

I'm the host, but don't really consider myself an Alter. I feel I'm just like a copy if the core. I resonate with your statement about the Adult being "over run by the others." I find I will have tears rolling down my cheeks, but "I'm" not crying. I've had my T tell me I'm crying while I deny it until I feel the tears...it's very strange. My body gets beat up by some alters as well. Sometimes, I'm present and sometimes I have no idea.

I'm sure you'll figure things out too :)
Kali
Kali-Host/Collective
Faithe (Adult), Sabrina (Adult)
Tracey (8), Bethy, Mia, Estacia, Kimberly (4yr olds)
Teens- Trish, Renee, Anastasia
Stacey (8)- core/asleep
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby brockovich4321 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 9:55 pm

My psyc has asked me to say "we are all my core"

While we are a complex system, with covet alters, overt alters, alters with alters etc, "we are all me".

It's not likely that we will find our "original personality" as our first split occurred at 2yos, before a core personality really had the chance to develop at all.

So our core is all of us.. Our leaders that benefit all of us are the ones we feel are most "me" (easier to identify with the nicer personalities right?)

I guess I could say that we have "core needs". Such as safety & happiness. Those desires radiate through our being.
30yo female, formal Dx DID, aka 'me'..
16 others
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Re: Core or no core?

Postby MakersDozn » Tue Oct 25, 2016 7:03 pm

Great response, Brockovich!

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Body cis ♀ (1962). Realized 1996 that we're multiple. System of 47, all cis: 42 ♀, 5 ♂; 17 littles (0-7+), 9 middles (8-11+), 14 teens (12-17+), 5 bigs (18+), + formless yin/yang.

Notable: Charity 25 (oldest), Deborah 23, Drew 23f, Mary 23, Rachel 23, Laura 17.5, Allegra 17, Cass 17, shawn 16f.
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