How to deal with an out of control alter?

***trigger warnings: sex, abuse, alcohol, suicide, self harm (none are described in detail but they are mentioned)***

Bambi isn't a new alter but she's new to me. She's the only one with whom I have no communication with and is incredibly good at pretending to be me, Shadow and Jay (because we're out the most I guess).

My T thinks that Bambi is a protector but I don't know if I agree. I know that Bambi took the worst of the 'bad stuff' as she puts it and that she's frozen at age 7 with the emotional range of a 7 year old but her actions made me think she was a lot older. She's reckless and suicidal, often forgetting that she shares a body so any harm she does to herself is also done to us. She will drink excessively and spend hours crying or screaming at herself and hitting/otherwise hurting the body.

She's been described to me as a sociopath but I'm not sure this is true. She manipulates people into liking her and then is incredibly cruel to them if they show any indication of leaving her. She's frequently tried to sleep with strangers, friends (basically anyone) and, as mentioned above, doesn't realise that she shares a body. BUT she's apparently said on numerous occasions that the only way she can stop flashbacks is to hurt herself or get drunk. She also thinks that the only thing she's good for is sex which is why she tries to sleep around.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of switching in to find the body badly hurt/drunk/barely clothed. Several times one of us had switched in as Bambi was about to kill us. It's gotten to the point where if we are walking over a bridge we have to be physically restrained to stop Bambi throwing us off. I'm scared. The others are scared. We've no idea what to do.

Please help

- Jorgie (host)

Hi Jorgie,

is there anyone in your life who is a part of your healing journey? A T is great, but they simply can't do what you need in this case. You mention that Bambi is trying to seduce friends; do any of these friends understand what is going on? Can they be trusted to validate Bambi without giving into her trauma-driven actions? If she thinks she's 'only' good for sex, then you need someone in your life to show her that's simply not true, that she is more than just about sex.

If there's no one in your life that can help, then the best I can suggest is that you try to validate her yourself. Try to do things for her that show that you, Shadow and Jay want to be part of her life even though she's currently making everyone miserable.

Her actions are clearly driven by the past trauma. So either you or someone in your life has to be willing to look past the trauma-driven actions to Bambi herself and accept and love her unconditionally. That is the greatest need each of us has. Based upon how the girls in my wife's system reacted, I believe that once someone begins to do that for Bambi and begins to connect to her, she will find a greater purpose in her life and a reason to reign in her actions. Right now she clearly sees nothing to live for beyond what the trauma conditioned her to believe.
Take care,
Sam