Dating Someone With DID

I have been dating a wonderful man for about two months now. He is the kindest, most caring man I have ever met. I have two very young siblings that I help raise-- not only does he support me emotionally with this, but goes out of his way to be a positive influence in their lives. I have never met someone as good and ambitious as him. Hes outspoken and protective, and the more I get to know him, the more I deeply care about him. But while getting to know him, I noticed a few things was off. At one moment he would be the man I knew, if something stressful happened, he would be quiet- devoid of emotions and suspicious of everyone motives-- even me. He told me that he didn't go by his birth name-- that he changed names, but hadn't made it legal yet. I know people who have done this, so I didn't think much of it. Then he began mentioning things about he had different sides to himself-- like everyone has-- and that his mother has "named" them. I asked him if he had DID and he said no, it was just something that she does with his moods. I tried to accept the answer. Last night he came out and told me he had DID. When he was a young boy he had some very traumatic events happen to him and he created, lets call him "G" to protect himself. "G" is his primary identity now. He said he doesn't switch very often, only in times of distress. A is usually extremely depressed and emotionally unstable. I haven't experienced A yet, but he said both G and A feel emotionally bonded with me and committed to me. I have never even met someone with DID before this so I am not sure how to handle this, or what to expect. Advice?

There are books about this. One that I have looked through---and it looked pretty good to me---is Someone I Know Has Multiple Personalities: A Book for Significant Others---Friends, Family, and Caring Professionals by Sandra J. Hocking.

Persons living with DID often are remarkably calm and functional in an emergency. We dissociate all the affects that interfere with functioning, and get on with addressing the emergency. Later, when the emergency is over, we have problems with amnesia and other symptoms. This way of being has both pros and cons.

Cherish your wonderful man. He sounds like a keeper. Good luck navigating the course ahead. You can be sure it will be complicated.

Thank you for the recommendation and insight! I will pick up the book. What I don't want to do is bombard him with questions. As someone who has been in a very abusive marriage in my past, I know he is a keeper. He just bought us tickets to a ballet I want to see, and last week he paid for a carriage ride to take us to see historical sites-- just because I liked the horses. For the first time in my life I found someone who gives as much as I do in a relationship, and what I don't want to do is mess this up or stress him out because I don't understand.

Welcome to the forum.

There is so much you can do and so much to learn as an SO of someone with d.i.d.; but you only have to do it one day at a time. Learn to listen a lot and don't push if you sense any resistance to your questions. As his feelings of safety increase, he'll be more willing to be open and teach you how best to relate to him. There are a couple of us SO's who frequent this forum. So if you have specific questions, feel free to ask us.

Dealing with my own issues was the #1 thing I had to do because her issues triggered my issues and they kind of made for a vicious circle. But once I did that, things got a lot better for both of us.

Take care,

Sam

Welcome to the forum.

As Sam said there are a few SO's on the forum. Feel free to ask any questions. PM if you'd like.

Take care... Brett

I am a female SO of a man with DID, and if you 'd like to talk to me, I've available as well.

The best advice is to be a good listener and to always be nonjudgmental, and know your own boundaries. This is the best advice in a nutshell.

Is he in therapy?

There is no "messing up" your relationship; you have to remember that he is many. Not simply one. You can befriend many, but you cannot please them all. That's the nature of DID. Yet I believe you can still have a good relationship. Please message me if you'd like to talk, any time.

Thank you all. It's wonderful to know that there are other's out there who can lend and ear and give advice. A little update. My partner had a breakdown today and it was the first time I experienced his alter. He was in a full panic attack and I was able to help bring him back into focus. A knows who I am, but was unable to fully communicate because of the panic attack. I know I comforted him, so it's a start. I'm just so glad I didn't add any stress to him or A.

Glad you were able to help him thru the panic attack. Are you ok after it? Once you understand them you can be a LOT of help, but the attacks can suck you into the emotions of it until you learn to deal with them.

Hi

Living with, or helping a partner who has mental illness isn't easy. An emotional interaction with a person is an energetic interaction with that person. A great deal of emotional energy is often allotted to the person with the mental illness naturally causing you to put your own emotions on hold. A common thread among SO's is that they become consumed by their partner's DID. Find a friend or a professional with whom you can talk when you begin to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Staying emotionally healthy will enable you to be a better support to your partner.

As others have said, another person's mental health problems can take over your life. But only if you allow it to happen. Don't allow it. You are not his therapist and taking care of him is not your job. Especially when the problem is DID. The person with DID can (and should be expected to) evolve at least one alter to fill that self-care-taking role.

Also, don't cherry pick. Don't pick and choose among the alters, or among their remarks to you, embracing some and disregarding others. Your relationship properly is with the entire DID system, whether you know it or not.