by FaithinWrongthings » Mon Nov 23, 2015 4:47 am
I've always been unable to comprehend how time passes, I have no sense of time honestly, to me weeks feel the same as days, months, I can never tell how long ago something happened or how time is passing, or even match my years up to my age or events.
*potential trigger warning*
For me (main host) dissociation is always on a scale. This is it from slight to extreme.
1.) I can choose to remember or to forget, to hold on to my memories or emotions or let them go. If I let them go, they can fall anywhere on this scale.
2.) I can remember, but vaguely. When I try to remember the memory is blurry or fuzzy, and the sounds and words echo and are distorted.
3.) My memories are choppy, and it feels like they are slipping. I have to fight very hard not to forget.
4.) I start to remember, and then forget. I start to hear or see my memory but can't distinguish what is being said or how I felt, and the more I try to remember the more it slips away.
5.) I think I remember something, but then it's replaced by denial and I "realize" I never remembered anything at all.
6.) Deja vu
7.) I see something and feel very strange, it starts right below my ribs directly under my sternum and rises up through my throat to the back of my tongue and spreads across my chest. I don't know what I'm remembering and sometimes cannot distinguish what emotions I am feeling.
8.) I will be very very upset, then suddenly not understand why I was crying and hyperventaliting in the first place. There are no emotions, no memory, it's just blank. There is no fog or fuzziness, it was as if nothing ever happened, and if it were not for the crying I wouldn't even know that I was previously upset in the first place.
9.) Nothing. I have no recollection, this produces denial.
Switching:
Switching can create dissociation anywhere on this spectrum.
Switching is usually foretold by hearing another alter talk, yawning, or noticing abnormal and un characteristic behaviors in myself. I also get very anxious and feel as if my body is vibrating, like my soul and insides are about to jump out of my skin. Sometimes it's a smooth gradient and I can feel myself slowly get more and more like the alter who is trying to come out, then I'm gone.
Back when I first knew about my system it was much more extreme, and harder on the body. Often I would get very dizzy, and need to sit, get raging headaches before and after, and my eyes would roll back in my head creating pressure in my head.
After, if I knew who it was or it was communicated who it was, it's a lot easier especially if it wasn't a ime where someone forced themselves out. It takes me a minute to get associated with my surroundings, I check the time, sometimes I'm shocked by how much time has passed, but quickly I carry on my day.
If someone forced themselves out, often I'm frozen, can't move or speak, really diss orientated and it is really hard to acclimate to my surroundings. It takes me minutes to regain motor and vocal function. This doesn't happen in the cases of TW trauma END or triggered/emergency switches, but only with people forcing themselves out when it is emotionally unnecessary for me, usually with intentions from the alter trying to front that are selfish, meaning they were not needed to front, they chose to for personal reasons.
If you know me from the D.I.D forum a couple years ago, feel free to PM me, just know i go by a different name now.(I'm gender fluid)
I am Kayden, a 17 yo diagnosed PTSD TS & Bipolar. Undiagnosed DID used to be DXed with mood disorder with psychosis but somewhere along the lines they forgot about the psychosis?