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Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

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Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby Chelseaconfusion » Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:14 pm

Hi everybody, I am confused would really like some opinions please.
So I'm diagnosed borderline and bipolar (my t and I think the bipolar is incorrect) and I just started therapy about 2 months ago. I had such a strange experience I started wondering about DID.

***trigger warning


My first session t asked about trauma she said for insurance purpose, I told her I was a molested by a neighbor for years as a child and I halfway believe my parents knew because I saw them watching. Also I think my dad molested me but he disguised it as medical because he is a nurse, my mom saw this.. I was going back and forth saying it was obviously molestation and at the same time saying but maybe he's innocent I'm taking it the wrong way.. And she ended up saying she thinks I'm split down the middle.
So like the second session I was talking about some different stuff at first and then I went back to the molestation subject and it felt like I lost control and I was arguing with myself on whether or not what he did was molestation. I don't remember what I said but I remember it felt like I was spinning and I couldn't make myself shut up. I knew I was being annoying because t couldn't even get a word in and I was barely looking at her. It was like I was arguing with myself and she was just watching. I was like 10 minutes past the session end when she leaned forward and looked like she lost interest, I had no concept of time and just felt she wasn't listening. I felt like I was Velcro coming apart slowly, I looked out the window and it felt like half of me went out.. And then I was numb and thoughtless. I saw her looking at me and she rushed me out the door. I felt like I was following myself from slightly above and wasn't connected to my body. I said that's it? Because I thought I had only been there for like 10 mins. I went outside and I was lost for about 10 more minutes.
The next session I told her about how I forgot what I had said before and she was like "are you dissociating?" And then she read to me about dissociative amnesia and she said she does not think I have DID. After that session she talked to a psychiatrist who said I'm not ready to talk about trauma yet.
I have told her that I lost a few minutes at my baby's dr appt, lost an hour of time previous to something my dad said that made my head spin, and I lost about 2 weeks after finding out a friend died and that's what I remember now.. I lose things all the time and then find them right infront of me or sometimes never find the thing. I find that I've already done things I go to do like the dishes or something.
When my son was born there was a complication and I thought he would be dead or seriously disabled he was ok luckily but after that I became extremely optimistic and motivated and after being depressed and socially anxious for like 5 years I lost 120 lbs in 1 year and I felt the way I was as a teenager when my bpd was symptomatic so I started therapy. Now I feel I'm going back to being anxious and tired, and overeating. Does that sound bipolar? Is it like DID at all or is it bpd? I feel I can't ask the therapist because she wanted me to stop discussing trauma so I don't know.. If anyone knows about these things or has a guess help me out please. And I love you if you read it all!
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby Una+ » Sun Nov 22, 2015 3:45 am

Please look for a different therapist! A therapist who is competent to treat trauma would not explore the client's trauma in the intake session. Especially not with a client who comes with a prior diagnosis of either borderline PD or bipolar disorder, much less both. Yes you were dissociating. Severely. She did that to you by probing and while you were in the middle of an out of body experience she sent you out the door. Dissociating like that doesn't mean you have DID, though; it is very common in trauma survivors.

That said, the borderline PD and bipolar diagnoses plus your lost time do suggest you have DID and maybe not the other two diagnoses. So that's better, right? Seriously, it can be okay. Therapy with a good therapist can do you a world of good!

The psychiatrist your T consulted is right. Just now you are not ready to get into any trauma work. That's okay! The first step, establishing safety and stability, is hard enough.

Try not to overwhelm yourself, okay? And don't worry. Lots of us here have been where you are and we're fine. You will be fine too.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby Chelseaconfusion » Sun Nov 22, 2015 4:41 am

Thankyou so much for the reply! I really appreciate your input, I will try to take it easy .. Feeling better already :) since then she's been nicer to me, I think she felt bad about it but I'll check out if there's someone else around who might suit me better.
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby perpetuo27 » Sun Nov 22, 2015 4:58 am

i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder as a teen..but i hadn't really talked about the dissociation i experienced because i couldn't really put it into words. it wasn't until i was 20 or 21, i think, that i started seeing a psychiatrist who understood things. i don't think i said much about actual trauma in depth, but i was so dissociated for the first four years that i barely could talk. things were such a mess inside, and i was pretty much 'gone' almost 24/7 it seemed.

years later, things leveled out for me after things in my life became stable. this year, i finally was able to talk more in depth about my dissociation and feeling like i have other parts and how that all changed too years ago.

but i asked my psychiatrist recently what my diagnosis was, and she said borderline personality disorder (but moving away from that diagnosis) and dissociation (not a specific one, but in 2003 she thought DID). i have talked more and more with her, and it sounds like she thinks i do have DID...but i am still waiting for the diagnosis 10 years later.

it is possible to have overlapping diagnoses, and it is hard at times to know what is what because things can have such similar symptoms..yet people can also experience symptoms different even if they have the same diagnosis.

about dissociation, there are various types, and like it was said above, it doesn't necessarily mean a person has DID. dissociation (and other things) can cause certain kinds of memory loss, forgetting/losing things, etc. but DID, i think, is one dissociative disorder that has memory loss as a symptom..but the others can as well.

i still am not okay enough to do actual trauma work without having my dissociation get worse which i recently found out...it's a long process..but having someone who gets it and can help you through it is important no matter what pace you are going.
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby SamsLand » Sun Nov 22, 2015 2:25 pm

I agree with the comments but I just wanted to add that it is also possible that one of your parts has borderline or borderline tendencies. Could this be the coming and going of symptoms?

My siblings probably are have borderline personality disorder, and my mom too. And I am not really in touch with any of them anymore so my T and I come to this conclusion based only on my experiences with them. For him the key difference between my dissociation and theirs is the ability to be introspective about it. This is something you might want to explore with your T.

Best.
keep ya head up, Don't let up, keep slayin em
-eminem

not sure what the point was.
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby Chelseaconfusion » Sun Nov 22, 2015 8:00 pm

Thanks you guys for the replies, I was diagnosed with bpd as a teen also. I'm 25 now. Never considered DID until now. But you're right everything overlaps so much I don't think I can really figure out exactly what's up with myself. I never even thought I was a trauma survivor, now I think maybe I don't know everything that's happened. I've noticed my therapist asking my age a couple of times which made me wonder a lil bit but I don't know.. I will talk to her more about all this.
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby Una+ » Sun Nov 22, 2015 8:06 pm

I didn't think what happened to me was trauma until I began talking about it and other people were horrified. And there is the DID. My family of origin was all "Nothing happened. What's past is past. Suck it up." Rugsweeping, denial, the works.
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby Chelseaconfusion » Sun Nov 22, 2015 9:34 pm

Also interesting what perpetuo27 said about not having the DID diagnosis, because I wondered if my therapist suspected DID and maybe she wouldn't tell me.. I don't know if therapists do things like that. I just started therapy too so she couldn't have too clear of an idea yet. Sorry maybe I should do the quote thing I'm not a forum user normally.
My family told me nothing happened too, gaslighting my t said. I don't know if that's what makes me so unsure of myself and disoriented, and lost or if it's some kind of switching going on. Very confusing.
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Re: Borderline with amnesia possible DID? Trigger warning

Postby perpetuo27 » Sun Nov 22, 2015 10:16 pm

in my case, i felt like nothing they professionals said for years was accurate because i knew pieces were missing, but i didn't really know what. even though i was aware of having others/alters, to a degree i wasn't at the same time. then when i started putting pieces together, i was the one who figured it out for myself..which apparently you aren't 'allowed' to do or something. but the diagnoses i was given over the years never fully fit..it was like they pulled this criteria and that criteria to make it fit what they wanted..but i knew they were not right.

the DID fits more for me..but i don't have the blackouts, i do, however, have very fuzzy memories and then later on forget after a dissociative episode ends (when i am aware of it). so, i don't know if that still is the same or not...but i do have other parts...and even that has changed over the years from having active communication and knowing them to not having it as much anymore which i was told by my psychiatrist is because at some point, there were no barriers between me and them, and now there are...because there were for so many years now, i have been able to function better...and the last while, little things here and there have been coming out again but different from how i knew it years ago with confuses me a lot.

my psychiatrist still has not outright said i have DID but has acknowledged i have other parts. i think she has waited for me to say things more and more and figure it out (since i've been trying for years to put things together) and not really say it to me for whatever reason as she also hasn't wanted to push me knowing that if i push myself, it might cause more issues as opposed to having things come up when they are ready, etc. still confuses me..but i kind of get what she says....she wants me to not push...and i want to push/know things...so it is hard because it's a very slow process for me.

i didn't realize i had trauma until i was 11/12 and then a bit older when more started coming back to me. i had thought my chidhood was fine...but then the reality of it hit..which was when i struggled the most..and i realized i had the memories taken from me at a young age because i couldn't handle it..and i know i won't get them all back.

my family were not the ones who hurt me..but my mom put me in a dangerous/unhealthy environment for years so somewhat was part of part of my trauma..but it was other people not associated to my family per se that caused a lot of trauma...but my mom still does not believe it ever happened partly because i don't have the middle of the memories or any with one particular person who lived with us for a few months.
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