I dunno what's going on I'm confused. help please **TW**

I feel really weird and fuzzy. Everything feels unreal and I don't even know who I am. I can t tell if I'm Steve orvalex or both or neither and everything is jumbled. Its freaking g me out or us or whatever. Im having an issue with a bunch of opposing feelings at one time. Like displaced anger at nothing, or maybe something? I dunno. And a bunch of other feeling g that I can't pick apart. At the same tome i feel calm and detatched from it all, like im watchi g it all happen from a disyance. I k ow this is probably jumbled and stupid sounding, but if you know what to do or what's going on, please respond. Its been happening a lot.
Also I'm really glad that this this g has auto correct because otherwise there would be so many spelling errors.

Also feel I g a lot of Denial too, like its not real and I'm just tricking myself and now its all confusing itself and I can't think of the reasons from before that I had for times like this. Tamea doesn't get it and I don't want it but sometimes I can't control the things I watch happen from the inside, or maybe from really far on the outside like a satalite. But then at the same time a little voice says "your crazy. You just tricked yourself into believing a lie because you don't want to deal with stuff that makes you uncomfortable."

I stood up and a random thought was superimposed into my cranium which was this
I feel like a plastic water bottle that's being shake really hard and all the bubbles are everywhere only I can't tell which bubble is me because I can't figure out where my bubble went.
Not sure why plastic specifically.

this is something i definitely relate to, especially lately. when my dissociation is triggered (more specifically, a type to trigger a part), lately for me it's like blending with one. i cannot separate myself outside of them and end up confused about who i am and who they are, but at the same time it's hard to really even communicate with them because it's more being kind of fused with them and feeling their feelings.

i have no idea who/what it is because my system has changed, so it just is a lot of confusion when it happens. then i try to figure it out but end up nowhere...sometimes triggering other things...then once it lessens, i'm back to 'just me,' and slowly over hours or days, i forget basically what happened during it...and then i go back to denying it ever happened.... until it happens again...

but in saying that, sometimes there are fragments of conversations, thoughts, words, etc. that i don't even seem to fully realize are floating around in my head...and then they get taken away too at some point...and then i have no idea if i just spent 10 minutes daydreaming or sometimes if i was talking to someone online or not..then realize it was in my head.

i hope that you feel okay again soon.i know it is unsettling to have things be confusing.

Its like prices of the universe are in the wrong place and I can't find the direction I was supposed to be going in. And the air bubbles in the water bottle are everywhere. Mixed up. Everything is displaces and the wrong bubble is where I'm at, and I'm in the place I'm supposed to be, so really I'm in the rite place, but the place is in the wrong place.
I'm just watching from my satalite as my body does things without me thinking to do them. Really its nice because I didn't want to do it anyway, and I don't even feel like I'm typing, I just think words and they're written down.
What is this?
Its like peaceful chaos. Stressful but to far away to feel, because I'm floating outside it all.

I keep reaching for thing I know I just had, my canteen or my vapor or my phone but then its not where I put it? Then I have to find it. It took me a while to find my phone because I set it on a blanket nazt to me but when I reached for it to check the time it wasn't there it was under me. My canteen ALWAYS stays next to me between the mattrice and the wall 'cus mymatrice is on the floor bit when I looked it was not there. It was next to me on the bed. But I just had that stuff five minutes ago...
Does that count as that losing time?

-- Tue Oct 13, 2015 8:35 pm --

I keep reaching for thing I know I just had, my canteen or my vapor or my phone but then its not where I put it? Then I have to find it. It took me a while to find my phone because I set it on a blanket nazt to me but when I reached for it to check the time it wasn't there it was under me. My canteen ALWAYS stays next to me between the mattrice and the wall 'cus mymatrice is on the floor bit when I looked it was not there. It was next to me on the bed. But I just had that stuff five minutes ago...
Does that count as that losing time?

Yes, it does sound like you've lost time for a bit. It also sounds like you have depersonalization and derealization, both types of dissociation. Going off of advice I've seen on here, usually people do grounding techniques when this happens. I guess doing a forum search for grounding techniques would help you since I personally don't know any.

I remember this, but distantly as if I didn't write it, I just watched it being written. I know I speak much better than this. That was complete chaos, and I can't even remember what it felt like.

I wonder if I should be worried...

Are you safe? You need to be safe. This is tough on people so take care of yourself ok?

Did you get triggered? Or maybe somebody inside got triggered? Get away from the trigger so you can calm down.

Maybe you can get somebody inside to help. Maybe somebody outside can help. Keep posting. Get help.

Call your T. Check your meds.

Hope it gets better soon.

Iain

Thanks everyone who replied.
The only T I have is testosterone, though.Therapy freaks me out. On top of that, I haven't the faintest notion of who was triggered by what. Well I retract that. The thing I was thinking about was my wife and our relationship with her. I get really and truely afraid that she will get tired of me being a multiple, and want to leave me over it. It used to make her really uncomfortable.
I am all alone at home, which I don't know if that's safe for me per sey, as I have a history of self harm, but I haven't a choice really. Ace is my twin brother, so we are deeply connected, and he is emotionless and logical, so when I get really worked up, he tends to find me and leak his lack of emotion on me, so that I can rationalize. It makes me feel very emotionallly blank. My emotions tend to be very distant as it is, but I do have the ability to feel them and get worked up.
I should probably look into therapy, I'm sure, but I don't really want to and the very thought would be triggering if Ace wasn't here....
Thank you for you concern, however and I will continue to update, as well as look into some grounding techniques. It gets hard to make my own body move when that happens, like moving through deep water or jello, though, so hopefully I can make my body do my bidding next time.

-- Wed Oct 14, 2015 3:10 am --

I wanted to add that the conformation of the losing time thing helped, even if it was a short time, so part of it was most certainly denial as well, so thank you for that.