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BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby Una+ » Tue Aug 25, 2015 1:49 pm

Nothing and no one can help him, eh? He is one special snowflake. All sarcasm aside, this is the typically grandiose thinking of an adolescent. Only now he is about to be a parent so it is time to get over himself and grow up.

Personally at the first strike I would have been gone. Long gone. I did leave a long term boyfriend who only threatened to punch me in the face. I second the advice of the others who have said stop living with anyone who hits you. For now. Let this be a consequence of his (collective) behavior. Also, it takes two to fight, and it sounds like your fights with him regularly escalate. Both of you could benefit from an anger management class or couples counseling. Do this now! Do it for the sake of your child if not your own sake.

That said, Johnny does not need to take executive control for him and you to communicate. You have already discovered that you can talk through the host to him and he can reply. At least, the host can hear him reply. You can insist that the host repeat faithfully all that Johnny says so you can hear it and/or you can suggest to Johnny that he find a way to take control of the voice (just the voice not the rest of the body). Johnny does not need the body to be in a rage before he can do this! He just thinks he does, because that is what has been happening in the past.

Talking through is an advanced technique used in psychotherapy. Therapists use it instead of requiring full switches of executive control. It is much easier for the insiders and less threatening for the host personality. You can use it too. Read our thread about it.

DID Forum: How do you to talk through the host to an insider?
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby Kmeredith88 » Tue Aug 25, 2015 10:09 pm

Una+ wrote:Also, it takes two to fight, and it sounds like your fights with him regularly escalate. Both of you could benefit from an anger management class or couples counseling. Do this now! Do it for the sake of your child if not your own sake.

That said, Johnny does not need to take executive control for him and you to communicate. You have already discovered that you can talk through the host to him and he can reply. At least, the host can hear him reply. You can insist that the host repeat faithfully all that Johnny says so you can hear it and/or you can suggest to Johnny that he find a way to take control of the voice (just the voice not the rest of the body). Johnny does not need the body to be in a rage before he can do this! He just thinks he does, because that is what has been happening in the past.

Talking through is an advanced technique used in psychotherapy. Therapists use it instead of requiring full switches of executive control. It is much easier for the insiders and less threatening for the host personality. You can use it too. Read our thread about it.

DID Forum: How do you to talk through the host to an insider?


Thank you Una+ I'm reading your link & the links in that topic now, very helpful! I will definitely suggest & try 'talking through' with my partner & Johnny. I'm hoping it still works when the alter isn't overly cooperative - I don't really believe Johnny 'wants' to talk to me.. My partner says when I'm defending him or talking highly of him he's just laughing inside his head. I lay in bed crying last night as I'd said some pretty honourable things (which was extremely hard as Johnny has really hurt me physically, mentally & emotionally) and my partner has just flat out said stop. No more - he asked did I want to know Johnny's reply in his head at this very moment? I said yes! Johnny was repeating 'I'll get ya, I'll get ya, I'll get ya'

Picturing the face described to me and how Johnny feels about me terrifies me, if talking through is an option Ill definitely try that - switching frightens me. My partner says he sees no good at all in Johnny, he's pure hate & evil - the only thing that stops him/calms him down or doesn't trigger him is innocence. Children. My partners had psychiatric help before but didn't get too far with it (I'm talking a good 5 years ago, which is how we know he has DID), I have suggested trying it again with someone who specialises in DID - that could definitely make a difference versus a T who doesn't quite understand it, right?! He just seems to think, he's had him locked away before where he's quiet & my partner could be happy so he'll do it again. All of my research and me talking about him is just aggravating him & won't work apparently :(

Thanks so much for your replies birdsong, the collective & shawtrav! I'll be posting another reply (I'm new to this forum, not sure if I can quote more then once in a reply hehe!)
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby Kmeredith88 » Tue Aug 25, 2015 10:24 pm

Also Una+ I forgot to add in - it definitely takes two to fight & im not all innocent in this either! When we first got together I use to retaliate and get mad at normal things couples fight about daily.. Back then it would definitely escalate & the outcome was much worse then it is today. If we're arguing I tend to give my partner space - he says he has to battle a war in his head first and then get to me, I can't imagine how hard that must be sometimes. He'll ask me over & over to walk away, be quiet, stop so he can gain back some control as he never wants to switch.. As I said most of the time I let it be, but sometimes I just can't bite my tongue - there's been a few arguments I've believed strongly in & I couldn't just sit back, say nothing & let it go. It does get difficult sometimes to bottle up your feelings and never be able to argue or have an opinion like a 'normal' couple because you're so afraid of Johnny fronting. So when I co operate I guess things tend to not get out of hand as much...

TheCollective wrote:I think you're on the right path. I would try to continue to improve the relationship you and your boyfriend have with Johnny. I would try to make a trade, you accept Johnny for the way he is right now because you don't blame him and even see some advantages (Like Johnny probably holds massive amounts of mental and physical strength which is a great thing for humans to have and really helped your boyfriend to survive), but in turn for your acceptance he is not allowed to hit you or physically hurt you in any way. I don't know if you're that far yet. If eventually you have the physical part down you could try no yelling or no name calling etc.
You could maybe arrange for Johnny to tell you to leave him alone if he switches out, and you could walk away (with child) and go somewhere until they calm down, instead of abusing you.

Kmeredith88 wrote:After much research on DID & alters etc I've tried a different approach. I've said to my boyfriend (knowing Johnny can hear me) that he should thank him for protecting him, he should accept & embrace him and find a way for us all to get along.. That I don't blame Johnny for being full of hate and anger as that's all he's ever known. Apparently Johnny for the first time in a long time when it comes to his opinion on me was quiet. Although not long after was saying things like 'you're a liar, you'll be gone soon, I want to stomp your head in...'


When I read the start of this part I immediately thought that it would take some time and persistence and probably even proof for Johnny to start believing that. The things that they've gone through probably involved manipulative abuse and deceptive people who used their good trust to deceive them. Johnny likely holds the bulk of these abuses and trust issues. The fact that he even lets your boyfriend stay with you and doesn't interfere unless he sees a reason for that (fights/ stress etc) is reason for hope absolutely. But you're a pregnant woman (I can relate :) ) and you shouldn't be hurt physically nor emotionally. You don't want this to become an example for your kid. So I'd say he needs therapy if that's a possibility but even if not, there will be a way to be able to force at least a non physical approach. Abuse is abuse no matter who it's coming from or why.


I really Appreciate this reply, thank you! How would you suggest I make a trade with him when he doesn't care for my acceptance? I've read of making trades, setting boundaries etc but do you think this still works when Johnny doesn't care much for cooperating & seems to only want to front & hurt me? I've tried and worked so very hard this last year to earn my partners trust, which I now have & things (with him) are amazing.. But I think & have been told Johnny will be much much more difficult. I'm a persistent person & am willing to keep at it & keep working on things.. I just hope to see some improvement. I feel like a fool almost defending Johnny when all he's doing is laughing at me telling me partner I'll be gone soon & that he will get me... :| thank you for pointing out the fact he does let my partner stay with me (could he not? Like i genuinely would like to know how he would go about 'breaking us up'..) I'm glad you see a glimmer of hope, it gives me a little.
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby vertices » Wed Aug 26, 2015 2:48 am

Wow, I definitely am having the same experience as your bf. It's so terrifying not knowing what to expect or what could happen.

I don't have any advice right now, I'm sorry. My only advice is just to not fan the flame. Johnny probably can't take control unless your BF is very emotional. So keep trying to understand the anger, not fight back. I feel like that anger needs to come out a little at a time and change happens slowly but does happen.

My heart goes out to your bf and to you. I'm sure it's completely torn him apart what he's done to you. :( You are strong, hang in there. But if things are out of hand, please do put yourself first.
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, PLEASE help!

Postby Kmeredith88 » Wed Aug 26, 2015 4:57 am

vertices wrote:Wow, I definitely am having the same experience as your bf. It's so terrifying not knowing what to expect or what could happen.

I don't have any advice right now, I'm sorry. My only advice is just to not fan the flame. Johnny probably can't take control unless your BF is very emotional. So keep trying to understand the anger, not fight back. I feel like that anger needs to come out a little at a time and change happens slowly but does happen.

My heart goes out to your bf and to you. I'm sure it's completely torn him apart what he's done to you. :( You are strong, hang in there. But if things are out of hand, please do put yourself first.


Thankyou for your comment! It's somewhat comforting knowing there's others out there going through similar experiences! That's true, he's a strong man & Johnny doesn't surface much these days - I'm assuming because my partner & I are so much happier and stronger - though I'm sure he deals with ALOT in his head. I'm hoping if I don't fan the flame, keep proving my love, loyalty & trust to not only my boyfriend but Johnny (if that's even possible) he will eventually come around.. I probably sound quite naieve but I know Johnny's here to stay & hope I am too.. So there has to be a way around his Hatrid of me - slow change is better than none at all right!

I know for a fact my boyfriend is an amazing person himself, I'm sure you are too.. He holds Johnny in as much as he possibly can because he knows what happens when he switches and it really does devastate him when he himself comes back to me.. I really hope things work out for you also!

Do you mind me asking what experiences you're currently having? DID definitely isn't easy - I wish you the best of luck x
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby Seangel » Wed Aug 26, 2015 5:13 am

Hi Kmeredith,

Great advice from everyone. Welcome to the forums.

Physical abuse should not be tolerated. Right now you are tolerating it. Protect yourself and the baby. This doesn't mean ending the relationship, but it does mean being adamant at drawing strong boundaries that if crossed will have consequences for the both of them.

Kmeredith88 wrote:Johnny is a scary, angry, violent, manipulative alter (and my boyfriends only one thank gosh). He has so much hate and anger built up from everything they've obviously both been through & I seem to now be copping the brunt of it all.

(...)

He described Johnny's appearance to me at my request.. He's scary looking with scars on his face, devil like horns & goggles of some type. He frightens me so much


Other members of this forum have had these scary alters who ended up being scared teens/kids, that put on the scary mask to keep people who could hurt them at bay. As Una said, he sounds like a teen.

One thing that could help you manage your fear is imagining him as a kid having endured a really difficult past and trying to protect himself with a strong shell. If you are able to see or at least imagine a scared kid bellow that shell, he won't frighten you that much.

Kmeredith88 wrote:I've conversed (I guess you call it) with Johnny quite a few times since my boyfriend & I have been together - the things he says are cold, frightening & send chills up my spine - even thinking about him now. He has a whole different tone of voice, attitude, my boyfriends eyes & face turn almost dark and scary. I can't help but be petrified of him.


Then a good thing would be to break the cycle. Don't come to that point, or leave. You can leave, you don't have to stay if he's going to be violent.

Kmeredith88 wrote:He has this wicked laugh & it takes Johnny to have me by my throat or have given me a black eye/blood lip for my boyfriend to gain control & come back to me.


This is unacceptable. You and your boyfriend (who is also an alter), need to make a safety plan. Talk to Johnny and for him to make commitment with you guys.

Kmeredith88 wrote:How would you suggest I make a trade with him when he doesn't care for my acceptance? I've read of making trades, setting boundaries etc but do you think this still works when Johnny doesn't care much for cooperating & seems to only want to front & hurt me?


He does have things that are important for him: 1) Your boyfriends wellbeing and "peace" (?). When you guys fight or he's stressed, he comes out to protect them (him and your boyfriend). 2) Being out. 3) Innocence.

So, one agreement could be that you both (you and your boyfriend) will work finding new coping tools for managing anger. This could, be for example, using text when handling heavy topics, or one of you leaving the place so both can calm down and talk about it later, etc.

You guys agree to do that, and he has to agree to no touching you violently AT ALL.

Another thing you guys could do is actually allowing Johnny time fronting (when no upset), and for him to discover other interests, and not come out in anger. This will help him blow off some steam, and explore other things that he likes, and other ways to protect.

So, he could front, or explore other interests, as long as he doesn't physically attack you. If he breaks it, then no time out for him during x numbers of weeks. He needs to learn boundaries, and that physical violence is not allowed at all.

You mentioned that innocence/children are important for him. Tell him that when he hurts you he is hurting your boyfriend's child, because the baby feels everything you feel. That, I think, would certainly be a boundary for him not wanting to cross.

Kmeredith88 wrote:After much research on DID & alters etc I've tried a different approach. I've said to my boyfriend (knowing Johnny can hear me) that he should thank him for protecting him, he should accept & embrace him and find a way for us all to get along.. That I don't blame Johnny for being full of hate and anger as that's all he's ever known. Apparently Johnny for the first time in a long time when it comes to his opinion on me was quiet.


This is good, he was paying attention.

Kmeredith88 wrote:Although not long after was saying things like 'you're a liar, you'll be gone soon, I want to stomp your head in...'


He's in fear for sure, and he's trying to protect himself and your boyfriend the way he knows how.

Kmeredith88 wrote:I completely understand he has more responsibility with forming some kind of boundaries with his alter - the thing is though he HATES him, he wants nothing to do with him & wants to pretty much pretend he's not there. He can control switching (until an argument happens or something makes him angry, the odd comment will slip out now & then) and says prior to me Johnny (his alter) was 'locked in a cage' and pretty non existent. He's seen a psychiatrist many years ago but that didn't help - it only aggravated Johnny.. I guess my partner thinks now we're at a much better place in our relationship with trust restored etc & he's strong enough to usually shut him down that it's better for us to both just keep ignoring Johnny pretty much & he'll eventually fade away. I'm not sure if my partners being naive or not.. I do think keeping him 'locked up' just aggravates and makes him angrier. Each time I've dealt with the alter the first thing he'll do before smiling a wicked smile at me is sigh a big sigh of relief - & often says something like 'it's so good to be back...'


Your boyfriend is being naive. He will not go away, and trying to push him away, ignoring him, etc., is just not dealing with something he'll eventually will have to. It's like an ostrich digging his head in the ground and pretending everything outside is alright.

Kmeredith88 wrote:He says he's scared that Johnny will take over & he won't be able to come back to me though.

(...)

I've been discussing a lot of things I'm now learning from this forum & other research with him and tonight he's asked me to stop. Johnny doesn't like me learning about it all & my partners scared acknowledging him will only make him stronger. I have been trying to encourage my partner to form some kind of relationship or understanding with him but he's adamant it won't do any good. He says since I've started talking about him a lot more & trying to understand him my partners felt physically sick, weak & light headed.


Your boyfriend's fear is legit. However, with communication and cooperation he can gain much more better understanding and control on themselves. He will be much rich if they work as a team.

Something else that occurs to me, is exploring his tastes. How about if you invite him to... go cart racing, or swimming, or kick boxing? You could support him from some place safe to you. Or go to an amusement park. A place where he can have fun too and enjoy.

If your partner is fearful of loosing himself. Try calling him back, and reassuring him that he's always back, and that you will call his name and ground him. Tell him that Johnny possibly is as scared to be lost and alone as when he (your boyfriend) is not in executive control of the body.

Kmeredith88 wrote:As I said most of the time I let it be, but sometimes I just can't bite my tongue - there's been a few arguments I've believed strongly in & I couldn't just sit back, say nothing & let it go. It does get difficult sometimes to bottle up your feelings and never be able to argue or have an opinion like a 'normal' couple because you're so afraid of Johnny fronting. So when I co operate I guess things tend to not get out of hand as much...


Oh! You don't need to bite your tongue and bottle up your feelings. You both can find new ways to express different thoughts and have an argument. Different tools.

I wish all the best, and above all much safety.

Sea
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby Jolly jo » Sat Aug 29, 2015 6:33 pm

Leave. Now.

-- Sat Aug 29, 2015 7:37 pm --

Leave. Now.
Diagnosed DID with a few other states.
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby KJBM3 » Sat Sep 05, 2015 9:50 pm

Your boyfriend needs to get help ASAP. This is serious but not doomed to end badly if he does exactly that. My little brothers girlfriend is bipolar and had DID along with 4 alters one of which was a guy that didnt like my brother. She got help for a long time and no longer has any alters, but is still bipolar, cant get rid of that. If your boyfriend can fully deal with his own anger that flows through his alter, he will at the very least be in control of it if not get rid of Johnny. My brothers girlfriend only had DID for a few years so I dont know if Johnny will ever 100% go away, im not an expert but there is defiantly hope for you two. :D
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Re: BF with DID I'm pregnant, he's violent PLEASE help!

Postby KJBM3 » Sun Sep 06, 2015 3:30 am

One more thing. try to connect with Johnny as much as possible considering his personality mainly is repressed anger from your boyfriend whether deserved or not. tell him that this is his child too and that you love him as well because he is a part of your boyfriend. I honestly hope you are okay and happy together. friend me if you want too.
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