Hi Kmeredith,
Great advice from everyone. Welcome to the forums.
Physical abuse should not be tolerated. Right now you are tolerating it. Protect yourself and the baby. This doesn't mean ending the relationship, but it does mean being adamant at drawing strong boundaries that if crossed will have consequences for the both of them.
Kmeredith88 wrote:Johnny is a scary, angry, violent, manipulative alter (and my boyfriends only one thank gosh). He has so much hate and anger built up from everything they've obviously both been through & I seem to now be copping the brunt of it all.
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He described Johnny's appearance to me at my request.. He's scary looking with scars on his face, devil like horns & goggles of some type. He frightens me so much
Other members of this forum have had these scary alters who ended up being scared teens/kids, that put on the scary mask to keep people who could hurt them at bay. As Una said, he sounds like a teen.
One thing that could help you manage your fear is imagining him as a kid having endured a really difficult past and trying to protect himself with a strong shell. If you are able to see or at least imagine a scared kid bellow that shell, he won't frighten you that much.
Kmeredith88 wrote:I've conversed (I guess you call it) with Johnny quite a few times since my boyfriend & I have been together - the things he says are cold, frightening & send chills up my spine - even thinking about him now. He has a whole different tone of voice, attitude, my boyfriends eyes & face turn almost dark and scary. I can't help but be petrified of him.
Then a good thing would be to break the cycle. Don't come to that point, or leave. You can leave, you don't have to stay if he's going to be violent.
Kmeredith88 wrote:He has this wicked laugh & it takes Johnny to have me by my throat or have given me a black eye/blood lip for my boyfriend to gain control & come back to me.
This is unacceptable. You and your boyfriend (who is also an alter), need to make a safety plan. Talk to Johnny and for him to make commitment with you guys.
Kmeredith88 wrote:How would you suggest I make a trade with him when he doesn't care for my acceptance? I've read of making trades, setting boundaries etc but do you think this still works when Johnny doesn't care much for cooperating & seems to only want to front & hurt me?
He does have things that are important for him: 1) Your boyfriends wellbeing and "peace" (?). When you guys fight or he's stressed, he comes out to protect them (him and your boyfriend). 2) Being out. 3) Innocence.
So, one agreement could be that you both (you and your boyfriend) will work finding new coping tools for managing anger. This could, be for example, using text when handling heavy topics, or one of you leaving the place so both can calm down and talk about it later, etc.
You guys agree to do that, and he has to agree to no touching you violently AT ALL.
Another thing you guys could do is actually allowing Johnny time fronting (when no upset), and for him to discover other interests, and not come out in anger. This will help him blow off some steam, and explore other things that he likes, and other ways to protect.
So, he could front, or explore other interests, as long as he doesn't physically attack you. If he breaks it, then no time out for him during x numbers of weeks. He needs to learn boundaries, and that physical violence is not allowed at all.
You mentioned that innocence/children are important for him. Tell him that when he hurts you he is hurting your boyfriend's child, because the baby feels everything you feel. That, I think, would certainly be a boundary for him not wanting to cross.
Kmeredith88 wrote:After much research on DID & alters etc I've tried a different approach. I've said to my boyfriend (knowing Johnny can hear me) that he should thank him for protecting him, he should accept & embrace him and find a way for us all to get along.. That I don't blame Johnny for being full of hate and anger as that's all he's ever known. Apparently Johnny for the first time in a long time when it comes to his opinion on me was quiet.
This is good, he was paying attention.
Kmeredith88 wrote:Although not long after was saying things like 'you're a liar, you'll be gone soon, I want to stomp your head in...'
He's in fear for sure, and he's trying to protect himself and your boyfriend the way he knows how.
Kmeredith88 wrote:I completely understand he has more responsibility with forming some kind of boundaries with his alter - the thing is though he HATES him, he wants nothing to do with him & wants to pretty much pretend he's not there. He can control switching (until an argument happens or something makes him angry, the odd comment will slip out now & then) and says prior to me Johnny (his alter) was 'locked in a cage' and pretty non existent. He's seen a psychiatrist many years ago but that didn't help - it only aggravated Johnny.. I guess my partner thinks now we're at a much better place in our relationship with trust restored etc & he's strong enough to usually shut him down that it's better for us to both just keep ignoring Johnny pretty much & he'll eventually fade away. I'm not sure if my partners being naive or not.. I do think keeping him 'locked up' just aggravates and makes him angrier. Each time I've dealt with the alter the first thing he'll do before smiling a wicked smile at me is sigh a big sigh of relief - & often says something like 'it's so good to be back...'
Your boyfriend is being naive. He will not go away, and trying to push him away, ignoring him, etc., is just not dealing with something he'll eventually will have to. It's like an ostrich digging his head in the ground and pretending everything outside is alright.
Kmeredith88 wrote:He says he's scared that Johnny will take over & he won't be able to come back to me though.
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I've been discussing a lot of things I'm now learning from this forum & other research with him and tonight he's asked me to stop. Johnny doesn't like me learning about it all & my partners scared acknowledging him will only make him stronger. I have been trying to encourage my partner to form some kind of relationship or understanding with him but he's adamant it won't do any good. He says since I've started talking about him a lot more & trying to understand him my partners felt physically sick, weak & light headed.
Your boyfriend's fear is legit. However, with communication and cooperation he can gain much more better understanding and control on themselves. He will be much rich if they work as a team.
Something else that occurs to me, is exploring his tastes. How about if you invite him to... go cart racing, or swimming, or kick boxing? You could support him from some place safe to you. Or go to an amusement park. A place where he can have fun too and enjoy.
If your partner is fearful of loosing himself. Try calling him back, and reassuring him that he's always back, and that you will call his name and ground him. Tell him that Johnny possibly is as scared to be lost and alone as when he (your boyfriend) is not in executive control of the body.
Kmeredith88 wrote:As I said most of the time I let it be, but sometimes I just can't bite my tongue - there's been a few arguments I've believed strongly in & I couldn't just sit back, say nothing & let it go. It does get difficult sometimes to bottle up your feelings and never be able to argue or have an opinion like a 'normal' couple because you're so afraid of Johnny fronting. So when I co operate I guess things tend to not get out of hand as much...
Oh! You don't need to bite your tongue and bottle up your feelings. You both can find new ways to express different thoughts and have an argument. Different tools.
I wish all the best, and above all much safety.
Sea
Taking myself some time away from PF. Sea (Dec, 2016)