All but Convinced.

So some stuff went down. Buckle up guys, we're going for a ride.

Just about every DID does the doubt-denial-confession dance. I was stuck there ever since I/we posted the first day, and actually really before that. We forgot our login stuff. It's not something we do often. I bet we have at least 40 accounts at Mod the Sims for this reason. IKR? I don't even remember our last username there. Anyways, it reached a head last night.

A few nights ago, I realized a few things: My neglect/abuse started before I was even in school. It was just that it was rare in comparison to everything else, and being young, naive, and forgiving, pretty much forgot about most of these occurences. Denial is such a powerful drug that I literally didn't put two and two together until about 2 nights ago. This is probably why I have DID. Anyways, I also realized I never had racing thoughts- WE had racing thoughts. Most of them weren't mine. They were only perceived as mine because they "sounded" like mine in my head and blended in with my real ones. I also heard a toddler crying in my head and realized "this is what they're talking about. I've had that the whole time". So yeah, lots of stuff came up for me.

So I'm hanging with my imaginaries when something comes over me and I start acting like a cartoon villain. This is relevant for reasons you'll be finding out. This jerk hates me and is very persecutory. Someone else steps up and tells him that my life is hell enough and I don't need more punishment. He begrudingly agrees and lets me sleep in peace insofar as I can be said to "sleep" "peacefully". To me it is not sleep (I do something else- pass out? Meditate? But to me, I do not sleep), and I certainly can't be said to be doing it peacefully (whatever I'm doing, I'm very active while I do it).

Blah. So the next day (yesterday) he's back for more, I just don't realize it's him. I get depressed and I'm really doubting myself and doubting my DID. I'm feeling pressured to just admit I'm a big faker and keep reminding myself that that's confirmation in and of itself. Jack says he doesn't care and he loves me no matter what, because that was the entire reason he wanted a relationship with me in the first place- because no one else did. Damn straight. No one loved me, either... They're all trying to convince me that the whole "weird changes" thing we have is not normal, and that they've seen it and believe it, and seriously cannot understand how I can doubt. These particular imaginaries have known me for over 20 years, so they would know. But in that state, the doubt was just too powerful. This is also despite the fact that are all adamant my body language is wrong and the way I'm talking is wrong and they are looking at objective proof in that moment that I am not faking.

And then I realize something.

Who am I supposed to be apologizing to, exactly? If I am acting, it's not in a disruptive way. If I am acting, it's sure not for attention considering I left the house for the first time in months and no one outside suspected a thing. So obviously, if I'm posing, it's not in a way that does attract attention and it's not hurting anyone. And even outside that, am I supposed to apologize to people that don't exist? Yes, I treat them like they exist and while they're around, they exist as much as we and our alters do. But literally, they do not exist. I wish they did, but they do not. Alas. My favorite thing I told him when I wrote him was "You expect me to apologize for playing pretend with my pretend friends in a pretend world?" or something like it (exact wording escapes me but I know it contained those phrases somewhere). Jack also pointed out how he contradicted himself in several different ways (for one, he admits that I probably have some abnormalcy, went on to say I'm blowing them into full disorders, then later said there's nothing at all wrong with me), and I told him that he just defeated himself by coming out- his existence explains a lot of things. He also proves I do in fact have DID (at least in my own head) just by the mere fact he's an alter.

Also, he shut up when we tag teamed him, and it's been way too long since I've felt this good. So yes. He IS an alter, and he alone proves I'm not faking. He's also the source of at least some of my depression, anger, hostility, and all that good stuff, considering when he slunk back into the shadows it all went away. He packed up his toys and left. Apparently. My other favorite quote from that show down was Jack saying "You can't have your toy and break it too" in reference to him saying he was going to take over the body and remake it in his image, then take everything away from me and leave me to languish out in a gutter somewhere. The idiot modeled himself after my version of my political enemy, which is really nothing but a giant ego that can be popped at any time. He really did not set himself up for success.

I suppose I'll never be fully convinced as she doesn't believe in believing, but I'm as convinced as I'm going to get. LOL, evil alter. You proved me right by trying to prove me wrong. Nice Job Fixing It, Villain. (TVTropes. Aw yeah.)

That truly does sound like quite a ride. I've had similar realizations about myself recently, which led me to this site in the first place. I didn't think I could have DID at all because I wasn't abused (though I was, but I never considered it to be "that bad", though now I'm realizing that my mind back then was a lot more fragile and there's gotta be some emotional scars I'm just not feeling because someone else is feeling em for me) but I had[i][/i] an alter a few years ago. She was very similar to the cartoon villain you're describing and popped up after a few weeks of this intense feeling of hatred toward myself that was strange and different from my normal depressive thoughts. She hated me, wanted to hurt me, take over my life, etc., but she never got the chance to. She went away for a long time and I thought that was the end of it. Now suddenly I have a number of voices in my head, some with names, some without, but it all comes down to the same. Denial doesn't make the issue not there, it just masks it.

This seems to be a common thing where an alter can project their moods and feeling onto the host alter. I have had this happen to me as well where I wake up just in a fowl depressed mood, unhappy about everything, for no reason. I have read others with the same issue. Sounds like this villian is like other's and their alters. Also, you are right you don't have to apologuze to anyone. You are who you are, and it's no ones right to judge you.

Clever Name Here wrote:Denial doesn't make the issue not there, it just masks it.

Dang right!