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Just Us Alone

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Just Us Alone

Postby GKOKD » Tue Jul 22, 2014 2:47 am

I'm so tired!

All day long I have just one more worksheet to get through, just one more deposit to do, just one more presentation to give, just one more person to talk to, just one more appt. to get the kids to, just one more mess to clean up, until I can finally be alone and try to make some sense of the noise in my head...Until I can be with myself, but when I'm finally alone with just us, I look around and it's all quiet for once because I can't find that one part that I want to have that loves us. Everyone is just doing a job, or trying to keep him/herself alive and stable. So after all of the waiting, all of the anticipation of finding some kind of... any kind of comfort inside, I see once again that it's just us alone. And, of course, those well-meaning people on the outside who I keep trying to get away from can't even see us to know we're here or understand our existence without inwardly mocking us. I'm not sure what direction to run in. I don't think there are any directions left. And so I just try, once again, to sleep, without being chased by the memories that haunt my dreams, pursuing me throughout the night so that when morning comes I can't decide whether it would be better to take on the horror of a new day, or keep trying to escape the monsters of the night.

I guess we will sleep now, because this day has run me into exhaustion.

KK
body is 48 yr old mother of 2 adopted teens
KK - 17 yr old f
2T - 2 yr old f nonverbal
"Little K" 3 yr old f
Christian - "The Rulemaker" - adult m
Seven - Young adult m
Kat - 7 yr old f
Major Depression, Anorexia, Anx Disorder, DID (or maybe OSDD), PTSD
Gracie - Greyhound Service Dog
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GKOKD
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Re: Just Us Alone

Postby GKOKD » Wed Jul 23, 2014 12:10 am

I'm so frustrated and lonely. I want there to be someone inside, outside, anywhere who actually knows who I am and still loves me and wants me to have peace and comfort. You would think you could always go back to one or both parents, but they don't know who I am and what love and support they have is only conditional... so much work. With all of the time I've spent inside during my life, you'd think I'd have developed a supportive network within, but everyone is just a piece floating around just doing whatever one job they know how to do. So often I want to be small and to have a person with unconditional love wrap their arms around me and tell me it's going to be okay...Someone who knows who I really am. I can't even feel that way about me! There is so much I feel the need to hide, so much I resent, so much that just disgusts me, how can I ever feel okay. I'm not even whole if you take the sum of my pieces. We're all angry or upset and yet no one is accepting of any other part. Everyone wants to be alone and find wholeness, and I can't find wholeness or acceptance, or even respect anywhere from anyone inside or out and no one can even manage the challenge of trying to know/accept us.

The house is silent
There's not a sound
and into eternity
I'm completely housebound
There are others here
They talk, they chant
And when they feel powerless
They cry. They rant.
They look at me with complete repulse
They want me gone.
They want me lost.
Some are scared and some are mean,
but no one wants to be a team.

I want to go home where there are rainbows and flowers and people who care no matter what. I just don't know the way. If only I could find the way. Sometimes Christian says we have to escape the body. Often K feels we need to go to sleep. But I don't know if death is the answer and sleep draws us in but then chases us with awful dreams. We don't know where the answer lies, we just know it's just us alone again, and we're not enough.

KK
body is 48 yr old mother of 2 adopted teens
KK - 17 yr old f
2T - 2 yr old f nonverbal
"Little K" 3 yr old f
Christian - "The Rulemaker" - adult m
Seven - Young adult m
Kat - 7 yr old f
Major Depression, Anorexia, Anx Disorder, DID (or maybe OSDD), PTSD
Gracie - Greyhound Service Dog
User avatar
GKOKD
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Posts: 169
Joined: Mon Jun 16, 2014 12:41 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 9:55 am
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Re: Just Us Alone

Postby Violarules » Wed Jul 23, 2014 12:25 am

Hi KK. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely. I noticed you mentioned death so that's a reason I wanted to reply. Death is never the answer since there are people that would miss you. Also, you have the support of all the great people on this forum. I sort of consider this forum to be a second family in a sense since I feel I can come here and vent and let my emotions run free. I hope that you all find some peace.
I have ADHD. Possibly have another mental disorder but am not certain.

Viola, Host 26 ADHD, Narcolepsy, Depression (possible DID?)
Cynthia, 17
Jeremy, 22
Sasha, 5
Keith, 10
William, 23
Computer. Female, Age: Unknown. System Manager.
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Re: Just Us Alone

Postby Riccola » Wed Jul 23, 2014 3:00 am

GKOKD wrote:I'm so frustrated and lonely. I want there to be someone inside, outside, anywhere who actually knows who I am and still loves me and wants me to have peace and comfort. You would think you could always go back to one or both parents, but they don't know who I am and what love and support they have is only conditional... so much work. With all of the time I've spent inside during my life, you'd think I'd have developed a supportive network within, but everyone is just a piece floating around just doing whatever one job they know how to do. So often I want to be small and to have a person with unconditional love wrap their arms around me and tell me it's going to be okay...Someone who knows who I really am. I can't even feel that way about me! There is so much I feel the need to hide, so much I resent, so much that just disgusts me, how can I ever feel okay. I'm not even whole if you take the sum of my pieces. We're all angry or upset and yet no one is accepting of any other part. Everyone wants to be alone and find wholeness, and I can't find wholeness or acceptance, or even respect anywhere from anyone inside or out and no one can even manage the challenge of trying to know/accept us.

The house is silent
There's not a sound
and into eternity
I'm completely housebound
There are others here
They talk, they chant
And when they feel powerless
They cry. They rant.
They look at me with complete repulse
They want me gone.
They want me lost.
Some are scared and some are mean,
but no one wants to be a team.

I want to go home where there are rainbows and flowers and people who care no matter what. I just don't know the way. If only I could find the way. Sometimes Christian says we have to escape the body. Often K feels we need to go to sleep. But I don't know if death is the answer and sleep draws us in but then chases us with awful dreams. We don't know where the answer lies, we just know it's just us alone again, and we're not enough.

KK


I know how you feel. I go through this all the time. I have tremendous pent up anger, and Im struggling to do anything that comes to other people so naturally and it really hurts. Going between disgust at the world then disgust with myself. Finding unconditional love or friendship is something that I just don't look for anymore. Not that you shouldn't, just sometimes it feels that way. Your accepted on this forum and this is a safe place. I know the world outside isn't always so. I hate the world we live in. But good people do exist, and eventually they come. Not all is bad.

Death is not the answer. Care will lead to healing. Its ok to not know the answer, this is where your T comes in. She will gradually guide you.


Im sorry you feel this way. But I certainly don't blame you. I really don't.
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