I'm so tired!
All day long I have just one more worksheet to get through, just one more deposit to do, just one more presentation to give, just one more person to talk to, just one more appt. to get the kids to, just one more mess to clean up, until I can finally be alone and try to make some sense of the noise in my head...Until I can be with myself, but when I'm finally alone with just us, I look around and it's all quiet for once because I can't find that one part that I want to have that loves us. Everyone is just doing a job, or trying to keep him/herself alive and stable. So after all of the waiting, all of the anticipation of finding some kind of... any kind of comfort inside, I see once again that it's just us alone. And, of course, those well-meaning people on the outside who I keep trying to get away from can't even see us to know we're here or understand our existence without inwardly mocking us. I'm not sure what direction to run in. I don't think there are any directions left. And so I just try, once again, to sleep, without being chased by the memories that haunt my dreams, pursuing me throughout the night so that when morning comes I can't decide whether it would be better to take on the horror of a new day, or keep trying to escape the monsters of the night.
I guess we will sleep now, because this day has run me into exhaustion.
KK