Hello, I am writing for help and to clear my own head a bit. My husband has officially been dx'd with DID. We found a doc who specializes in it. I am also seeing a counselor - for me, who at least acknowledges his DID as a "real" disorder, and in that, I can talk things in our life, without her trying to suggest things that we've already tried a million times. We have been receiving this new help for about 11 months now, and recently he just stepped up his therapy (at her suggestion) from once a week to twice a week, and things are really starting to happen. Certain others in his system are revealing themselves and details about things they know that have happened to him/all of them. My husband has no co-consciousness with them, but some of them seem to - with eachother. There are 10 children and at least 5 adults, including 1 woman so far. Although, he does not "know" the things they are saying in therapy, in that, he cannot remember, for himself, what they said (apart from her relaying it to him) he does seem to "feel" it on some level because the appointments drastically effect his moods and...states. ANY amount of stress right now is a NO GO. If he and I have to work together on a regular household matter that carries with it the possibility of a difference of opinion - it goes horribly. There is no even exchange of ideas as two adults might have. Rather an aggressive person comes out immediately to "deal" with it and it is not in a rational, communicative way, but in a raging, belittling, controlling, way. This person does not "hear" what I am really saying, but attaches a "hidden agenda" that he perceives I have. He can never name or explain what that "agenda" is - just that I'M DOING IT, and I'm the enemy. This cuts me to the heart, after 20 years together dealing with all of this.
These reactions might apply to anything we have to deal with in day-to-day life; Something as complex as; Addressing that our daughters are becoming withdrawn from him, not being able to count on a consistent mood or response - all the way to a simple question like, "what are your plans for the weekend." Both can be met with aggression. I HAVE been able to reach him at times, usually quite unbeknownst to me. The other day we were talking casually and I said to him about the "others" that; "their feelings matter." When I said it, he looked as if I had just presented him with the cure for cancer - even though - I have said this very thing several times before. Before we got the dx, and we they thought he was schizophrenic, I had suggested that he actually listen to their voices instead of trying to drug them away. I figured since they were in HIS head, they shouldn't just be silenced. Probably they had something very important and insightful to say. ANYWAY, this time they stood up and took notice to my statement, and it eased his anxiety for a day or two before the boom hit again when we ran into another regular life "situation" which seemed to carry no controversy...wrong again.
I feel as though I am loosing my grip on how to interact with my own husband. It was always like this to a degree, but it's getting more intense. He seems to be switching at the drop of a hat, possibly several times a day. He can be reading us Bible passages in the morning and plan a trip to the beach - and by afternoon the beach is out the window and he's storming out of the house with f-words spouting all the way. I could say or do anything that he might takes offense to or is triggered by, it's over. I have NO idea what to say to him while he's having an episode and he refuses to talk about it later. If I attempt resolution, it's RIGHT BACK where we left off. No amount of time outs work. All rules of communication are out the window. I just don't know how to navigate this at all.
We've been in therapy for years and we have learned valuable things, but it's clear to me ALL OF IT matters little, if only a small percentage of people within his system (maybe only one) retained any of it. He is even has a part time job as Facilitator of an Anger Management program which focuses on healing childhood wounds! Every week, he TEACHES 8-12 other men how to take a time out, get under the anger, identify a "feeling," work it back to the original wound, process the pain and replace it with a truth. Yet at home - none of it applies. He is unable to even time out...much less re-approach the issue later to work toward resolution. We have had negative interactions with eachother almost every day for a month. I am weary and have no idea how to proceed with day to day life with him.
HELP.