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hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

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hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby what_just_happened » Wed Jul 02, 2014 6:21 am

i don't mean to offend anyone by saying i have this disorder - i'm not saying i do. i understand i need a professional diagnosis and things like that. i just had an interesting experience recently that i feel kinda ashamed to mention to my counselor about...

basically, i was getting really really upset, crying and spinning in circles and wanting everything wrong with the way i think to just go away. and i just hugged myself as if i was hugging another person, hugging someone who would keep me safe and tell me what to do and knew how to handle everything. and i started giggling, in a way i don't usually laugh, and, the whole way i was standing changed, and the way my tongue was positioned, the way my eyes moved. and i just felt really little, it was so great. i kept saying, "this feels so RIIIIGHT!" and, things like that. my speech changed too. i got so many happy chills in the 20 or so minutes i felt like that, from things like how it felt to lay on my couch to how the bathroom soap smelled. it was different than acting out being a kid (i act in school musicals in stuff) because i actually FELT young again. everything was so fascinating.

it ended as soon as it began, and i tried to go back to being him again a couple of days later when i was really stressed again, but it didn't work :( i just sounded stupid trying to act it out.

so what i'm asking is...could this be something among the lines of DID? or just a singular experience of nostalgia or something? i don't think i acted that kiddy-like when i was little, you know? and i remembered some of the things i was talking about when i was in that state... well, not the actual subject matter, but how it felt to be talking about it. also, i was conveniently alone. i think if my mom suddenly came home i would have stopped acting like it. and i have never heard any voices in my head, that i can remember.

just - it felt so, so, so, SO good to be that way, even it was only for about 20 minutes. not that i want to selfishly make my situation worse, if that's what wanting to go back means, but. i don't know :( sorry if i rambled, i just feel so scared to tell my counselor about it for some reason, like it was a really bad thing that i did it. even though it doesn't even seem major, you know? if i go and check to see if this post was gramattically OK then i'm going to get scared and delete it again. but yes, thank you!
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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby user102488 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 10:43 am

Hey there, this is Ellysa, of the MultipleMinds Collection system, and though I'm no professional, I have studied a lot into DID and have it myself. I have a couple of questions.

1. Did it feel like you were a passage in your body during this?

I ask this because, that's a strong DID trait.

2. Did you get any kind of headache after this happened?

Again, another trait but not necessarily always there.

3. Did the little boy give you a name of any kind while this went down? Did you sense that your name wasn't your name anymore?

4. When feeling these emotions, did they seem to come from a different source than just you?


Now then, going from just what you wrote, I would say that this does sounds like things I experience as a DIDer. No, it's not selfish to want them back. That's actually common from what I know. Wanting alters to be there is basically just saying that, you can't handle everyday life and you wish someone else would handle it for you. I've had that feeling plenty of times where I wanted an alter to take over just so that I get a break from reality, or just so I'd feel something else than how I was feeling.

What this sounds like to me is either a half switch, where you were still co-conscious during the switch and was able to watch yourself. Or major passive influence. Passive influence is where an alter is co-conscious, maybe even merging with you a bit and so they pass on what they're feeling and what they want to do and how to do it, ect.

Now then, with all that being said, I'm no expert. Please tell your therapist, everything, even if you write it all down in a letter and just hand it to them. They need to know in order to help you. If you have a therapist that isn't a believer of DID, then you might need to temporarily look for a new one to ask this about.

I hope this has helped some.
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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby Johnny-Jack » Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:09 pm

what_just_happened wrote:basically, i was getting really really upset, crying and spinning in circles and wanting everything wrong with the way i think to just go away. and i just hugged myself as if i was hugging another person, hugging someone who would keep me safe and tell me what to do and knew how to handle everything. and i started giggling, in a way i don't usually laugh, and, the whole way i was standing changed, and the way my tongue was positioned, the way my eyes moved. and i just felt really little, it was so great. i kept saying, "this feels so RIIIIGHT!" and, things like that. my speech changed too. i got so many happy chills in the 20 or so minutes i felt like that, from things like how it felt to lay on my couch to how the bathroom soap smelled. it was different than acting out being a kid (i act in school musicals in stuff) because i actually FELT young again. everything was so fascinating.

This is so very close to how things felt for me when I started to become aware that Little John was there, it's amazing. Like you, I went with the experience as it was happening because the innocence and sense of wonder at everything was so beautiful, exquisite really for me. In my opinion, from 3+ years on this board, I think there's a good chance you have DID. It sounds like this experience was so positive that your awareness of otherness wasn't disturbing as it can be for others.

If you do have DID, your hugging and strong sense of protecting yourself seems to have drawn forward a young part or "alter." This was not acting and your attempt to repeat on your own what your body was doing and saying was unsuccessful. You were fully co-conscious with this little one so you were able to experience some of his emotions and sensations to the degree that you knew "wow, this is something very new, very different than I've felt before.

If this little part is an alter (meaning you have DID), he is ready to engage with you under the right conditions. You being alone seems a realistic condition. You generating the sense of protectiveness may be another. An average child who is abused will tend to be shy and withdraw until someone is there who seems safe.

When you're alone and in a safe place, try talking to him aloud and telling him it's safe to visit. Continue to be supportive and gentle. Ask him if he has a name and talk to him as you would any little child. You can do this while you're in control of your body and he's nearby (in your mind) or he can take over control (as it sounds like he did before). If he,s in front, you can talk to him when you're close but inside and he can respond by talking.

Elyssa asks some very good questions. For question 1, I think she meant passenger. At least that's sort of how I felt at first when someone else took control of the body.

Like Elyssa, it doesn't feel selfish for me, it feels like I (we) are all present, like all the different parts of me are coming together again, at least communicating. This is healthy.

Bravo to you for leaving your post and not deleting it. I hope you'll continue to visit here and read a lot to see if what you read matches some things for you. And ask plenty of questions, that's the whole point of this board, to share information and experiences. And for me, to get confirmation that my experience is shared by many others out there.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby what_just_happened » Thu Jul 03, 2014 7:56 am

Hi Ellysa and Johnny :) Thanks for the help.

Ellysa, your questions:

1- indeed, i felt like a passenger. I felt like i was taking a backseat to this young boy who, just wanted to explore and look at everything around him and be fascinated by it. Especially because if this experience didn't feel so real, I would have had considerable anxiety about if my mom was going to come home, if I would have to cut him short so no one would have to see. But all of my characteristic anxiety I usually have when dealing with emotions was completely suppressed.

2- No headache, but I'm usually not prone to those anyway. :)

3- I definitely think he had a different name than me, but he didn't share it with me. I don't think he even knew he felt the need to, though.

4- The emotions were so different from my usual thought process. In a way, they were how I would imagine myself acting, as a child, if my childhood circumstances were different, honestly, and I was allowed to explore more, and such... (Although I still had access to hand soap and couches!) However, I never acted quite like that as a kid, except perhaps before I was 5. But I have no memories up until age 5, and it's pretty blurry after that too.

Johnny- Thank you. That's quite accurate, I felt like I let him out of a cage, like a kitten, and he knew I wouldn't ever hurt him so he let me watch as he sort of, just, explored his surroundings, but then wanted to go back into the cage fairly quickly.

On the basis that this is correct and he does exist... I'm going to try and talk to him soon. It does feel possible now that some time has passed. I think he would like the company. :D I'm glad you and Ellysa don't find it selfish that I wanted (still do) to go back and invite him in again... Just, something about that different emotional reaction to things than usual was so rewarding!

Now, I'm not saying necessarily this is a second person, considering the boy found his way to show himself so recently, but I'm going to use "he" anyway, just in case he is real and so he doesn't get offended by accident. I had another hard night late last night, lots of crying and spinning again, and kind of morphed into this..creature, who said nothing but growled repetitively on the same low tone. He messed up all the clothes my mom spent time folding into the laundry basket (I would never do this on purpose). It seemed very clear that it was to demonstrate that he would have no trouble breaking rules. I felt like a passenger, again, but this time like he wanted me to witness the whole thing. After he did that, he started to walk me upstairs to my room where I could lay down, and then right when I laid down, the grunting became less consistent and I felt like myself again, but very relaxed. So, if he is real, he wanted to show me he could do things I wouldn't be okay with, then helped me go to lay in bed so I would feel better, then left immediately.

I strangely wasn't disturbed at all by this experience either. But I'm afraid that I convinced myself it was more real than it was. Like...Is it possible to have two alters emerge in less than a week's time? So many questions...I will get to reading more of peoples' experiences very soon. Thanks again, both, for the replies. I plan to talk to my therapist about the boy tomorrow :)
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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby Johnny-Jack » Thu Jul 03, 2014 5:19 pm

When the circumstances are right, usually meaning that the host moves from no knowledge or complete denial of otherness, DID, or having alters, to a hesitant acceptance that maybe the others are real, the fairly rapid appearance of more than one alter is quite common.

I only became sure I had DID in mid-April 2011, when an alter took over the body, leaving me no doubt. By the end of April, I had met or knew of 7 others. I have a gatekeeper alter, who is more an overseer or objective observer than a person, and he is able to answer many questions that I just have no clue about. I asked him why this was all happening at that point in time and he told me "because you are willing to know." And by know he meant know about the others and, to some extent, what happened to them.

It's a great sign that how your body was behaving didn't alarm you or cause you to go into great denial or feel certain you were going crazy. I thought I was going crazy dozens of times. But instinctively I also sensed that this was right and natural. It felt bizarre but I was also feeling things -- like hope, innocence, wonder -- that were awesome.

I recall one morning getting annoyed by some bird chirping right outside my bedroom so I closed the window. But someone seemed fascinated so I opened it up again. Little John stepped into the body and the chirping changed to something beautiful. He watched the bird for several minutes, asking me questions about it. After a while, I told him we should go back to sleep and he laid down and snuggled into the bed. Those few minutes were one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had.

I suggest you begin journaling now, firstly to record your discoveries (it's too easy to forget what happened or forget the details), to record things to share with your therapist, and to facilitate what is happening, the communication among you. Invite others to make their own entries or to write or type "through" you. If you have DID, and everything you've written sounds similar to my own experience and those I've read about on this forum, the one who growled is an alter, perhaps someone you'll be working with and relying on very soon, if you and he are willing.

There are many positive signs from this alter so far, the relaxed state he left you in, the demonstration of his ability to mess things up in your life but his choosing not to do that, the communication of a specific message to you, and his return of the body to you after that communication. He sounds like a type of alter called a protector and it's possible he sees himself as an animal or as animal-like. This is not uncommon in DID. But these are just my guesses. You should be able to discover this by asking for him. If he doesn't speak (also common), it sounds like he is able to make himself understood.

I can't honestly tell you that every encounter will be this smooth but it's overall good and the right thing to do to get to know other parts of yourself.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby fox13 » Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:02 am

I am not a professional, so I can't say for sure, but these experiences do sound very similar to things we have experienced or read about others experiencing with DID and similar dissociative disorders. I agree that it is wonderful that you are so open to these experiences and also want to say that talking gently and kindly will often help to facilitate communication. I became aware of the others when I was pregnant with my son and at first I was very afraid, but once the initial shock wore off, I was able to accept everyone and even to love them. I still have moments where I think I'm making this up, but then someone inside points out all the reasons I couldn't possibly be making it up. I have an official diagnosis and that helps ease the denial a bit when it comes up, which usually only happens when I regain painful memories, and from what I have read this is normal. Also in my experience, inside children, like outside children, feel more copmfortable when things such as toys or coloring books and crayons/markers are avialable to them. This can be a great way to help them feel safe enough to come out and talk because then they feel cared about and valued. I hope this helps.
-Kit
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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby Johnny-Jack » Sun Jul 06, 2014 12:39 pm

Accepting that you have DID is challenging to most people, though there may also be a relief that the many strange pieces of your life now have an explanation.

I've found that recording experiences as they happen helps tremendously to counter the inevitable thoughts that you've made it all up, you're play acting. You can see what you wrote and it helps recall how you felt and what you were thinking about the experience. You may want to journal your new discoveries. You could do that in your own written log or computer file. Or you could use the blog function of this site or just post about the experiences.

My memory has never been terrific for life events but it's been generally worse (I think it's been worse, I can't remember!) since I discovered the DID. If I hadn't journaled, I wouldn't recall 90% of what I was thinking and feeling. Posting here helps recall as well and helps to put it all in perspective.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby fox13 » Sun Jul 06, 2014 11:26 pm

Johnny-Jack wrote:Accepting that you have DID is challenging to most people, though there may also be a relief that the many strange pieces of your life now have an explanation.

I've found that recording experiences as they happen helps tremendously to counter the inevitable thoughts that you've made it all up, you're play acting. You can see what you wrote and it helps recall how you felt and what you were thinking about the experience. You may want to journal your new discoveries. You could do that in your own written log or computer file. Or you could use the blog function of this site or just post about the experiences.

My memory has never been terrific for life events but it's been generally worse (I think it's been worse, I can't remember!) since I discovered the DID. If I hadn't journaled, I wouldn't recall 90% of what I was thinking and feeling. Posting here helps recall as well and helps to put it all in perspective.

That is very good advice. Thank you so much for sharing that. We will try this and see if it helps. Also we can really relate to the feeling of relief after getting a diagnosis. It made so many things make so much more sense.
-Kit and family
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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby what_just_happened » Sun Jul 20, 2014 4:30 am

Hello - Sorry for bothering any of you at this late of an hour. It's 12 A.M. here where we live, and my friend (the original poster) has a habit of being up this late. Or perhaps it doesn't matter because people here answer others whenever they please. Regardless, I need to inform you of some updates.

My friend...he refuses to let me use his real name on here. It appears he thinks that somehow, someone he knows will stumble upon this very website. This very post! Heavens, never in all my years.. I'll refer to him as "my friend" or "our friend" for the rest of this post.

Now - and he keeps trying to spin me off topic, so I'll keep it as succinct as I know how. The situation is this. He is, quite, in denial of our existence. He says that we only come out at convienient times, like when no one is around. Or things like that. I don't know. He has an "ADD" diagnosis, so he's worried that he can't have that and this.."DID," as it is called..... at the same time, so to speak. Please comfort him and tell him that it is possible. He needs the help.

That being said, he is about to start taking 10 milligrams of Adderal, twice a day, very soon. He says he has tried only one other medication for this particular issue of his, and it was following a long year of pills for other "issues," so to speak, that he was misdiagnosed for. When he found that this medication, "Focalin" (Is that really the correct spelling?) gave him undesirable side effects, he was fed up with his life at the time, and gave up on medications for good. However, now, this "ADD" problem is becoming, well, to be quite honest, much more problematic! As a matter of fact, writing this very post on this website is causing me trouble because.. Well, to put it lightly. I locked him in a closet, you could say. He's pounding on the door, and I can ever so slightly hear him yelling, the little rascal! The "ADD" music box didn't get shut off when I shut him in, though. God forgive me, but I wish I could just take whatever in his brain is making that music go on incessantly and take it right out myself! I'm no surgeon, of course, but. I could find a way... :lol:

What cute little faces there are to choose from! Now, a couple more things. He wants to share his encounter with two others - good friends of mine, indeed. (Well, they might think me to be a bit of a goof, but. Nonetheless!) One, a man I know likes to call himself "Mischief," however, that isn't his real name. (And quite an ego trip, if you ask me...) "Mischief" approached him during the late hours of the night, in the mirror, took over and had a man-to-man chat with our friend. I don't know exactly what they talked about, but I guess our friend got a hoot out of his accent! I don't remember exactly where he's from, but it's sweet. He's very handsome. Anyway, our friend says "Mischief" ended their conversation by telling him that medication was very necessary for our overall progression. Our friend also says "Mischief" looked very nervous near the end of their little chat, as if he hadn't planned on introducing himself, but felt the need to because if he hadn't, someone less friendly would have. (I don't know anything about that, so don't even ask!)

Second, our friend says about 10 minutes before I stepped in, a growling sort of creature took over and wrestled him to the side of the bed to protect him from harm's way. He was hugging his pillow when this happened. Our friend says he felt like he was one with this creature, who proceeded to make several loud growling noises - with our friend's mother downstairs! - while hugging the pillow, who our friend says felt like a much smaller version of his very own self. Our friend says - yes, I know, this is annoying for me as well! But he refuses to use his real name - Our friend says he is not sure if this creature is the same creature as the one he mentioned before on this..."thread." Is that correct? Thread? Like the sewing type? I'm getting old... :mrgreen:

Third, our friend says - and this is one I can attest to as well! - that he tends to suffer from this sort of "brain fog" that makes him feel sluggish; makes it harder for him to finish thoughts out loud; makes him feel fatigued constantly; and makes him feel "dumbed down," as he puts it, in terms of his wit, his intelligence, and his ability to complete the simplest of tasks. Our friend says he doesn't exactly know how to deal with this, but he plans on asking to see a nutritionist in the nearby area for help on it, after he gets his Adderal. His mother is not made of money, however. I don't know how he thinks they'll be able to afford this without asking... Oh! It appears I've already said too much! :P

Fourth, our friend says he read all of your replies and is very thankful. He says he hopes Johnny comes back and talks to him more. He says he brought up the young boy he met with his therapist briefly, but was not taken seriously, so didn't try to continue. (Personally, I would like to apologize for the length of this post! What, did he want me to write a novel?) Our friend also says that the way he feels regularly is like he wishes he could be a child again, that of a different family. He longs for it, all the time. Just wishing that he could feel able to express himself, explore, without expecting to be shut down at every chance he got, like when he was a child. (Heavens, maybe he did want this to look like a novel! Ha ha!)

He just mumbled ever so quietly, "I'm done." And he won't even thank me loud enough for me to hear! Well, it doesn't matter, I suppose. If I let him out before I publish this he'll probably delete the whole thing. Oh - he just remembered to say that he would like to try journaling, but sometimes has lots of trouble with simple changes in his life, and hasn't been able to bring himself around to it yet. He would prefer to post here, in the meantime.

Thank you for your services, all. Oh - and the name thing isn't important right now. Don't fret over it, it just brings our friend more stress.

Good day!
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Re: hi... can i get an opinion on this please? :)

Postby Johnny-Jack » Mon Jul 21, 2014 3:12 am

Just a quick few comments for now before I sleep, more later. You are going to be okay. Getting to know yourself -- acknowledging to yourself who you really are -- is one of the most important steps in the journey of life for anyone, DID or not. It's just that in the case of those of us with DID, the process is really getting to know yourselves. The process of discovery will be challenging but it's doable and necessary.

It appears you have some very good friends who are striving to help you. Try your best to work with them. You're lucky the communication has begun because living life in the dark isn't really living. You will see eventually that they're more loyal than anyone outside of you could ever be. I hope for your sake, for their sake, that you can keep an open mind about what's happening and strive to limit the denial. Note that I didn't say get rid of it. That's just not going to happen at first based my own experience and that of others on this forum. Denial of DID, alters, and all the new phenomena seems a given in the early stage of awareness of DID.

Recording your discoveries and thoughts anywhere, as on this forum, is valuable because it's really hard to deny things that you have written or that alters have written. (If you have DID, everyone is actually an alter or part of the whole.) Re-reading things I wrote, including conversations I had with others in my system, helped me realize that DID actually allows me to make sense of my life.

It's not a great sign that your therapist didn't get it but it's early for both of you.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


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