SO Startail .. Personal Support Thread

Hey Startail, Sam gave really awesome insight and things to do.

Sam, your answer had a big impact on me.

riverside wrote:You are your partners outside protector and part of your job is to communicate, openly, no matter how hard the subject matter is to tell. She needs to be able to rely on you to be her true protector, her rock. She needs you to be the parent to her littles that they never had-

What you wrote here, is so true. Thanks for writing it man.

I also liked very much what River comment, write what other parts of her tell you and whenever she feels like reading it, she will. I heard a talk of a therapist that also emphasized this. He said, that sometimes some parts tell him not to tell other parts, but he answers that he cannot do it, because he needs to contribute to communication within the system. However, before communication, he works on safety and trust first.

Here is his talk:

Therapeutic Approach needed for working with DID - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5T2CBkqy6QY

7:23 - Safety first
10:56 - Telling all within the system, letting every part talk, process and heal.

And here is another talk by him as well:

Working Within Outpatient Services - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfqjaluixog

Here is the page where I found those talks:

http://www.dissociation.co.uk/

I believe he is Remy Aquarone

Hope it works the best for you two.

Sea

-- Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:40 pm --

PS: It's awesome that last part that River mentions:

"We also have our own journal where all our alters write, we can look back when ever and find out if we want. If not we can't actually read!"

Thanks for all the great insight and advice. I will no longer withhold information from her.

Monday night her oldest daughter was in town and I was away at work. They were talking about some stuff DID related which ended up causing her protector to come out. At the same time I was texting my girlfriend when the switch happened. Her protector gave the phone to her daughter and he said he can't text me or talk to me. This is something that has been happening for over a week now.

He tells her daughter that he doesn't want to cause problems between her mom and me so he doesn't talk to me anymore. This is not something I want though. I want to work together with him.

Her protector started to say that my girlfriend doesn't need a man in her life (its not just me personally). Her daughter said that her mom is happier then ever. That I am so good for her mom. She questioned her protector asking him who else would be so accepting of what her mom is going through. Telling her protector that I care so much for her mom and her kids. Asking him out of all the men that have been in my girlfriends life actually truly cared for her and didn't run away when things got tough.

Her protector finally accepted it and told her daughter that she was right. Hearing this was huge for me. All I want to do is love my girlfriend and her kids. I just want to be there for them and make them feel special. Be the rock and strength that she needs.

Also the same night her protector showed more of his personality than usual. He joked about the booty shorts he was wearing and asked why my girlfriend likes to wear them. He even smoked with my girlfriend's daughter .. which my girlfriend hates cigarettes. Said he is a big time smoker. I was actually intrigued to hear more about him. Would love to have a guy to guy night just talking normal with him .. instead of the usual teying to push me away.

That same night also had some bad stuff happen because of her daughter and her protector getting into a fight. The next day my girlfriend told me that her protector is grounded for his actions the night before. Her protector told me a few times before that if my girlfriend wants him to back off and not come out he will back off. He says my girlfriend's will is very strong and she can stop them.

I know I can never fully understand the dynamic between her alters but I try and learn as much as I can. She is only fully aware of them for 2 months now so this is still very new for all of us. I appreciate everyone's help and support.

Read up about talking through. Even when this protector guy is not fronting he may be listening. Which means you can talk through the host identity or whichever other identity is in front at the moment, directly to him. Does he have a name? If he doesn't, or won't tell you what it is, give him a nickname, and use it!

DID Forum: How do you to talk through the host to an insider?

Hey Startail,

I'm so happy for you and for your girl.

I'm truly glad that her daugther talked to her protector, and I'm glad that some walls are breaking down, and you've been able to get a bit closer.

I wish you keep finding ways to get to know him, and working with all of them.

Sea

Una+ wrote:Read up about talking through. Even when this protector guy is not fronting he may be listening. Which means you can talk through the host identity or whichever other identity is in front at the moment, directly to him. Does he have a name? If he doesn't, or won't tell you what it is, give him a nickname, and use it!

DID Forum: How do you to talk through the host to an insider?

Yes he has a name. All 4 known alters have names.

Her protector is Robby which he told me his name after a few times asking him for it. Her and Robby often do co-consciousness together which often times she can see and sometimes hear when he is fronting. This only started once she became aware 2 months ago. She describes it like she is in the background looking through someone else's eyes. I believe he has control over this aspect because sometimes when he wants to talk about things he doesn't want her to know she doesn't remember a thing. Robby is constantly in the background when my girlfriend is out front. Robby told me that the others remain away while he is always there and always watching. They are in constant communication. I once asked how they communicated but my girlfriend told me not to ask her about it. There has been many times where he will describe things I have said or text my girlfriend that he finds stupid and insulting which they aren't and my girlfriend has assured me they weren't.

Her physical protector is Roger which I have never met. His is very angry and full of hate from what my girlfriend and Robby have told me. Robby told me Rogers name but my girlfriend originally thought Roger was just herself when she drank too much. He has protected her from an abusive boyfriend but had also caused other unneeded problems so both her and Robby keep him from coming out when its not absolutely necessary.

Her sexual protector is Linda which we knew about but never knew her name. One day my girlfriend was texting about her and mentioned Linda. I asked her who is Linda and she was like .. what do you mean Linda? She hadn't even realized she typed out her name. Linda just like Roger has caused a lot of problems including a lot of guilt and shame. So they both don't let her out either. I have met her a few times.

The last known alter is Rosie which is a 9 year old girl. Robby told me her name. She is stuck in time during the abuse and often relives it when she takes control. She has told me so many things. She also shares her experiences with my girlfriend and makes her feel, hear, live it all. Every time I have seen this my girlfriend is in so much pain .. so hard to see but Robby always steps in and suppresses the experience and my girlfriend doesn't even remember it happening. My girlfriend said this is the only alter that pushes or shares her emotions with her.

Another alter was mentioned recently named Brandy .. I wasn't there when it was said. I am assuming Robby was the one who said they are waiting for Brandy to come out. I asked my girlfriend about it but she says she can still only sense the 4. Robby also told me in the past that there is only 4 but he might have just told me that because that's what my girlfriend sensed. Knowing what my girlfriend went through I find it hard to believe there is only 4 but I'm not going to push that discussion.

Hard to get more information lately because Robby was a huge source of information for me but stopped talking to me because he was only coming out during times of need. Which during those times he was mad at me or someone else. Only a few times I have asked to speak to him and he was allowed to come out and talk to me. During these times I had a lot of my questions answered. I tried to have him come out today but my girlfriend wasn't interested in doing that.

I know he listens and reads so I email him sometimes and have my girlfriend read it or have him read it. Often times my girlfriend just wants to be treated normal and be allowed to be herself. So I have to be careful when I choose to talk about it ... usually a good time is when she initiates the conversation. She is still struggling with everything at times and if I tried to explain that she is an alter herself she might flip. I have tried to get her to embrace online support but she says you can't believe everything you read on the net and just doesn't want to face it.

At the same time I can't force anything into her. I need to let her learn and accept this at her own pace. So I just continue to be supportive and look for opportunities to learn more about her system.

So I have been reading about Talking Through. I kind of want to know the best approach. Do I look at my girlfriend and say "Robby, can we speak for a little bit?". I would love to open up communication again with Robby. Especially have a conversation where he is out without the need to protect or deal with a conflict. Thanks for any advice I can get

hi there, this is riverside and Sam....

Thank you so much for your reply to the post we both sent to you. We are so glad that it had such a positive effect on you .

FINGERS CROSSED that things in your life have continued to progress for the best.
Apologess for our own late reply needles to say our own life has been one of a roller coaster .


all the best and kind wishes

The team

Her protector says I am pushing too much onto her and she is not ready to know so much. My girlfriend says she just wants to be seen as herself...She doesn't want DID to dominate her everyday life.

--------------

Tonight I slipped up and made a dumb mistake bringing up something about her DID. This caused issues between us and she claimed I'm obsessed with her DID which I'm not. She ended up spending the rest of the night before I had to go to work away from me.

I am SO SORRY that I'm not offering advice, but that is EXACTLY what I've recently experienced. I met someone recently who just recently (as in a few weeks before I met them) learned of their alters/DID. We got into an argument over such like how yours went down. I'm romantically interested in this friend/one of their alters, but this has... Well, things have felt stilted to me since that 'argument'. They say they're over it, but it doesn't seem like they truly are. I have absolutely no idea what to do since I can't ask for help from their protector without them being upset at me. Worst thing is the protector and I were flirting and getting along, which furthered this being stressful for the host/my friend. I'm hoping I can heal this mess I've unintentionally made, I just don't know what to do since I can't actually talk to any of them.

MoonstoneCrab, let's deal with your situation in your own thread, okay?

Una+ wrote:MoonstoneCrab, let's deal with your situation in your own thread, okay?

I' ver very very sorry, I would delete it if I could. I was just amazed someone else had experienced similar. If I can offer you help Startail I will be happy to do so with anything I learn. Otherwise you have my support at least. Apologies again.