We feel we've woken up today. We read a friends blog where she's struggling with anorexia. She wrote about her determination to get better. It got us thinking. We hadn't thought of getting better, we've stopped thinking of the future, of being well enough to work again, well enough to stop self-harming. Well enough to wake up one day feeling refreshed, full of energy and motivation, wake up wanting to do something. We're merely existing. It's not a life. We're back to the stage of frustration, depression over the fact that all we ever seem to do is go round in circles. Circles of feeling better, doing something, enjoying something, crashing, sleeping, getting depressed, having bad thoughts, feeling low, existing, feeling better, doing something etc. I don't know how to break the cycle. I feel that I do try. But at the moment I feel I have no reason to try, nothing to look forward to, no reason to get up in the morning and do anything because I'm not going to get better. When we get better, feel better, someone eventually turns round, says they can't cope feeling like this, and shuts us back down to nothingness
Reading what I've written, looks like depression. I've tried about 6 antidepressants over the years, now I'm back to considering trying again....trying, because I've often given up on them because I can't stand the side effects. Maybe I don't have a choice, maybe I have to face the fact that I'm not going to get better with therapy alone, maybe I need medication intervention in order to be able to live, to feel the fresh air running through my body, that energy, the drive to get up and do something. Now I just want to cry, I feel so alone and stuck in a rut not sure where to turn or what to do I hadn't realised that I wasn't living, I had blanked it out, just like everything else in life.