focusing problems anyone?

hi pretty new heres ~

so I'm at school to become an electrical engineer... but.. it's really hard. ^^; I'm mostly doing it because I know it will a profitable and easy to get into field... (plus my damn parents want me to do it)

but... shadow (my protector alter..) is really really big on wanting to go into art and my other alter heart (another alter) is a complete lazy bum who wants to just sit around and read manga all day >.>

they are seriously making it impossible to focus on school work... this was my first semester of college... and I had calculus, chemistry, macroeconomics, and a class on how to program python...
In the end I had to withdraw from chemistry because I had such bad grades >.> like... a horribly shameful F.

because... I just.. can't focus in any way on my school work. I sit down... and start arting, or chatting, or indulging in some manga/anime... and I would not be able to put it down... or I'd only be able to focus for 5 minutes on my homework before suddenly getting distracted and find myself looking at a video of a parrot eating a burrito...
@_____@ it's all just completely HORRIBLE procrastination and it's only getting worse!

and... on top of that I'm starting to doubt that I could actually get my engineering degree or once I get my engineering degree I'd be a horrible engineer or since it's a male dominated workplace that I'd face a lot of sexist stuff... (sexist stuff sends Shadow instantly into a rage...) I know my art is like "ok".. but I'm really bad at marketing myself so I think I'd be horrible as an artist too... it's like... I can't actually find a job I would be any good at doing...

T__T
I'm pretty sure it's because Shadow wants to be a artist and heart thinks we could survive with an entry level job since I'm not planning on having a spouse or kid. but I want to make my parents proud :c and listen to the advice that adults have been telling me my whole life...
but in the end we just do stupid stuff that no one's satisfied with because we can't decide..

does anyone else have really bad focusing problems like this that could help me out?? and any tips to actually stay focused?

I've struggled with some short term memory problems, believe that writing things down and studying chess helps/helped me out.

I really want to tell you my experience with going to college, as it's extraordinarily similar to yours.
So, somewhere around the last year of highschool, my alter "X" (his name is horrible and X sounds better to him, even if it is a bit silly) became more dominant. Well, he's a scientist so his entire focus is on science and logical things. He's also highly unethical, so of course he wants to go into biotech as a field.

Throughout all of this, my parents are pushing and prodding me to be "successful" and get a fancy job. Nonetheless, I graduate highschool with a full ride scholarship to the college of my choice. And I go there for SIX years. At the peak of my performance I was enrolled in 16 credit hours, had a part time job at the college, and also was making fursuits on the side to satisfy my art needs.
The whole entire experience was an intense struggle. I could only take one difficult class per semester, ie; one math class, basic english, basic sociology, biology, and something else that was easy. That was probably the best method for me. As things became increasingly harder, I began failing courses left and right. And being that the whole entire science thing was due to ONE aspect of the group and not a consensus, sabotage occurred. Not only that, but the constant egging of my parents didnt help at all. I'm an artist. Most of us are on the artistic side. We've been making money through art since highschool. why the heck would I want a science job?

So one day I just started laughing in class, threw the papers at the teacher and walked out. I failed every single class that semester. I also ran away from my parents' house and was homeless for a while.

Currently I make about $3000-$4000 a year and rent a room at a commune. I cant hold any jobs, and am poorly self employed. But honestly? I couldnt be happier. I can function here. Even if it's just momentarily. I can survive on my own and I can do what I want, when I want to do it.

You dont really need a degree or a career to make it in life. All you need is enough money to survive in the way you want to survive. I have friends who are happily employed at subway who have no drive to get anything "better". Because why? If you're happy where you're at, then what should it matter?

I say, look inside you, find out what everyone wants out of life, and go with it. Maybe take a break with college and work various jobs to get a feel for things.
College isnt always the answer to everything, and you dont need it to make money. Also, if you decide to stay in college, make sure you meter everything out, and only take one or two difficult classes per semester. Heck, maybe even just take one or two classes per semester. Get to know yourself and everyone inside, know your limitations, and be easy on yourself. The last thing you need to do is rush into college without a game plan. Take an art class, take a sociology class, take different things and get a feel for what you like. Dont go into engineering if you dont enjoy it.

@no-mans-land
^^; I suck at that cuz I never actually read my notes I make.

@zrcalo

thank you ^^ I must say our stories are a bit similar. Although my family is poor and don't want to fund my college... except my crazy grandma... and I'm really bad at getting scholarships because I am absolutely horrible at writing essays... and the only thing I got going for me really is that I'm female going into engineering and that I'm poor...

But what's really holding me back..... is that I don't know how to break it to my parents... I'm kinda scared to tell them on my multiple personalities, because my case isn't a very extreme one and I don't want to do unnecessary emotional harm to my mom... even if she is reason I have DID. She is just a person that's just as messed up as me >.> but I don't think I'd be able to explain why I want to drop out without telling them, or at least my explanation wouldn't be very convincing.

It really doesn't help how much that they tell me how proud they are when I'm home... and how I'm doing the right things in life... I'm a total sucker for that sort of stuff...

I was going to tell them I didn't think college was right for me during thanksgiving break, but... I just couldn't do it.

maybe I should tell them I'm thinking that college isn't right for me over the phone now...

@nexx

I think it's very important to tell your parents you dont want to be in college. Or at least, be in college for that profession. You dont actually have to tell them you're DID. All you really have to say is "I do not enjoy engineer work and working in that environment is not healthy for me."

Also, the sooner you get out, the less debt you will have accumulated, the less time you would have wasted, and it's easier to quit in the beginning than towards the end. I say tell your parents sooner, not later.

Have you maybe thought about going to a community college and working? You can still get the college experiences and degrees without having to go into a rigorous program. Plus, classes are cheaper and if you're poor, you could go to college for free on a pell grant.

I'll just say this... college or not, that courseload you took? Even when I was at the peak of my performance, I would have failed all those classes even if I studied. That is an impossible workload.

@zrcalo

*religious and political trigger*

hehe I must agree with it being a impossible workload XD

the electrical engineering department have like their own counselor? and it was a crabby male... I've face a lot of discrimination actually because of my gender for going in this field... I took went to a free tradeschool half time while in high school? and I could tell that people just didn't think I had what it took to be a engineer and they would all try and help me with everything (I was the only girl in class) and one of the boys was even very verbally sexist to me and would thump his bible at me saying that I should know my place as a woman... the engineer world... is VERY conservative with their views sadly.. which I'm not used to coming from what I call a hippie community I 'm very liberal (my middle name is freaking Sunshine XD not sure how much more hippie I can get)

but ya I tried swapping out the classes I had for some easier ones since I was a freshman and there was a lot of core not so hard classes I needed to finish first... but... the counselor gave me a sort of glare and told me that I was going for the wrong degree is I was afraid of math or science U__U;
the counselors here... all really like to yell at me I feel.. than help me.. It makes me not like going to them. XD

I have thought about community college... I'm not too sure I'd be very good at holding down a real job, community college, and my sanity... (and I can't drive... don't trust myself enough to drive lol) It's really hard because I can't live with my parents because they live on an island, and there's no work there. (plus my dad that once I left high school I was pretty much kicked out from his place, and I hate living with my mom.. they're gonna really make fun of me and tell me that grandma will always take me in.. which is the last thing I want to do on the planet as well)

I guess if anything I'll do everything but sign up for spring classes. Hopefully I can pluck up the courage to explain to them that I can't do it (I um haven't told them I withdrew from a class yet as well... ><; I hate being the bearer of bad news so hopefully I can do this)