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I can't relate to myself

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I can't relate to myself

Postby CyNICAL ME » Mon Nov 18, 2013 12:55 am

***I previously posted this in the DDNOS section because that is my current diagnosis, but someone said I should try posting here for more replies. I hope that is ok***

My therapist recently diagnosed me with Dissociative Disorder NOS. There are several symptoms I suffer from, but the one that bothers me is a feeling of separateness. I'm not sure when I first noticed this separateness...but how I describe it is as NOT being able to relate to myself. It feels like there are several parts of me, or different states of mind. There is the emotional parts, the normal parts, and then the detached part. Currently I am NOT diagnosed with DID.

First let me explain the emotional parts:

The first part is what i now newly named as "the rebellious teen". This person seems to have a lot of symptoms of BPD (which I was also diagnosed with at one point) and often times this person is very defensive, angry, annoyed, indirect (has trouble communicating feelings and thoughts). This person doesn't care much about others feelings. While like this I usually hate everything and everyone, sometimes even myself. While in this state of mind or part, my therapist said my eyes looked hardened and my facial expression sharper. While in this state of mind, I feel like this is who I really am, and the other versions of me are fake. I say things like: "I don't care what I said before, because that's not what I think. This is the real me. Why do you hate me when I finally decide to exist?!" My thoughts inside are usually like this: "They don't understand. No one understands. This is stupid. Why do I even try? I hate everyone."

The next part of the emotional cluster is what I call "you". You is my anger, and rage. This is when I get violent, abusive, throw things, and cuss people out. I hate everything and everyone. Often times this state of mind clings or latches onto other parts, mostly onto the rebellious teen.

Then there is the "sad one". This part of me is very sad. Often thinking the same thoughts as the rebellious teen, but it is no longer with that annoyed attitude, it is now with a disheartened and given up kind of attitude. The sadness ranges from extreme despair where silence completely takes over and suicidal urges are strong all the way to just being kind of sad, but still being able to communicate it.

During these times I feel I no longer relate to "those other parts" (the normal and detached part). Suddenly my thoughts, goals, opinions and access to memories change. While in emotional states I can access memories and feeling more.

Now let me explain the Normal parts:

There are two states of mind that I have become aware of.

First is what I just call "Myself". This part of me has no problems. Usually is in a good mood and polite to others. This part can discuss things objectively, but not completely non-emotional or numb. While in this state I can acknowledge more...Like I know I said or did something, but I no longer relate to it, but emotional parts and memories seem very far away. What I said while in an emotional state of mind usually is very foggy and distant feeling. I have little or no access to memories. Often I forget what I had just said a second ago, or what I was saying. Sometimes I stop in the middle of a sentence unable to remember what I was even trying to say or just said. This part is sometimes a perfectionist and has OCD like tendencies (not counting, but having to redo things until it is perfect).

Next is the "Social Mania" This part feels like what I would imagine being manic would be like. While in this state suddenly I just want to do everything. I have so many ideas and thoughts. I ant to relate to others and be close to others. I don't mind touching others (usually I hate physical contact). I can look people in the eye and even talk to strangers with ease. I feel like I have so much to say. My speech is often fast and loud. My attention span seems to be low. Changing from subject to subject. Sometimes shaking, lips trembling with excitement. I feel very impulsive. I also have a lot of creative urges. While in this state sometimes I would write or draw for hours forgetting to eat meals sometimes. (11/17/2013 EDIT: I wonder if this belongs in the emotional parts instead?)

Last is the Detached part:

This part I call "Nothing". This part is all about logic and matter of fact. I say things as they are. Emotions don't matter. What are the facts. I feel numb. No emotions, and no pain. Not interested in socializing, sexual activities, or physical affection. Rather not talk if not necessary and rather would like to be alone if possible. I can't relate to the emotional parts at all. If you ask me about why did I just throw something, or what I said earlier, I often say: "I don't understand. What are you talking about? Well that doesn't matter anymore. It's already in the past. I don't know what I was thinking." I have to try and figure out what my intentions from before were. This part is very analytic.

There is also other parts that pop in rarely which is Me and Self Love. Me is a child version of me and Self love is a part that comforts and encourages me.

I have researched several things like complex PTSD, DID, and even schema modes. But I don't really understand what is going on. I recently tried revealing these parts to my therapist via a mind map I drew out...but while talking about it, the rebellious teen came out and basically said he/she doesn't relate to this crap and doesn't know why I think like that.

Obviously....because I am a logical person I know that these parts are all...."me", but I don't relate to them. These parts sometimes have different goals, opinions, intentions, and attitudes. They relate to the world differently and have different levels of access to memories as well as different levels of relatability to other parts.

I just wanted to share what was going on with me, and see if anyone else relates...also if they have any idea what the heck this is.

Also, I do not suffer from amnesia, black outs or anything like that. The only memory problems I have are different levels of accesss to memories at times and temporary short term memory loss. I do not feel exactly that I have separate personalities...but for now I do feel I have separate "parts".

Thanks for reading...I appreciate any feedback.
Dx: BPD, Major Depression, PTSD


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Re: I can't relate to myself

Postby katana » Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:26 am

If this is on the dissociative spectrum you'll find parts either have problems that need to be resolved to be able to integrate, or that they don't have issues and the issues preventing them from being part of you are held in opposing parts. My advice would be never let your mind tell you threre isn't an issue because there is always an issue somewhere. It isn't just about the conventional idea of "trauma", depending what particular issues you have sometimes you might find your ego also fights you like hell in trying to get to the root of the issue. An idea of separation can help with that stuff too though.

Afaik, in BPD for example that isn't the case and the changes/fragmentation are different, I don't understand so much about that and haven't seen the same kind of changes in people I know who have BPD - they can be very changeable in mood but even if their sense of identity changes or is unclear they still seem to be "the same person".
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Re: I can't relate to myself

Postby niva » Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:06 pm

Short on words, but I can very much relate (also with DDNOS here). Good luck in your healing :)
-Big N (usually grounded/OK/the host)
-little n (depressive child part; aka 'Jane')
-Aiden (obsessive/thinker part; no feelings)

Integrated:
-Sonja (preteen; happy/optimistic/good girl/social part)
-niva (teen; aggressive/frantic; lust/passion)
-ninchen (brave child; 9)
-Cedar (spiritual part)
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Re: I can't relate to myself

Postby CyNICAL ME » Wed Nov 20, 2013 12:45 am

Thank you for your replies.

Yeah it seems my mind is very compartmentalized.
But instead of filing things in chronological order (such as memories)
My mind seems to put them in categories such as "Good, bad, angry, childish, teen, adult, etc"

Oh my mind...Its really strange knowing I think or feel something
but no longer agreeing with for a period of time, then having it be important again
Makes therapy really hard sometimes...

Sometimes I try to do what my original intention was, but that makes me feel frustrated inside
because the inside me doesn't agree with what is going on outside.

So troubling. Thanks for replying!
Dx: BPD, Major Depression, PTSD


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Re: I can't relate to myself

Postby katana » Wed Nov 20, 2013 1:08 am

Its not how I experienced things. My mind didn't file things in categories like that, it was more like different time periods and experiences would be filed together and other time periods would also be filed together. When I needed to move on to a different kind of something in life, I would create a new version. What you're describing sounds different.
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Re: I can't relate to myself

Postby Camelidae » Thu Nov 21, 2013 1:37 pm

I´m a singleton dx´ed with BPD (borderline) and can relate perfectly. Ill get into states of minds where I dont feel like myself at all. I try to ignore them because I simply cannot act like a 4 yo at work or sth, but when I get like this its like me (like I am most of the time) is pushed back inside. Im still there, I know on a rational level this is all me, but at the same time.. its not...? lol. Doesnt make sense. Just thanks for posting. Its good to read sth I can relate to. :)
"If you're using half your concentration to look normal, then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you do. Just pointing out something that could save your life. You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself.", from X-Men: First Class
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