Hi, a brief intro...
I'm Ashley. Dont want to scare the kids, but as the protector, I'm scared. I wanna be strong for them, but the one inside that doesnt give a flying ###$ feels omnipotent. Why does our abuser feel the need to reside within us? Taunting, haunting, scaring us into hiding. I want to retreat into the inner world, but nobody wants to be out, besides, maybe, him. This will be incoherent, I can't make sense of who I am. Constantly switching, dying, rebirthing, dying, rebirthing. Too much for one system. I want to exact vengeance on the ones who created this mess. I am trying not to succumb to my vices, to not retreat into hiding the way I grew up hiding (starving, snorting, inhaling, mutilating). But without these behaviors I am lost-- we're all lost. My body is rejecting us, my stomach aches, I can't help but remember the tearing of the souls and the leaking of the spirit. I'm so hurt, I am so scared, I am so lost. There are a lot of changes that the system does not want, but is being forced into. We don't know where to turn. Theres no one who understands that the medical procedures, the moving into an unfamiliar place with scary roommates, the re-entrance into school, is wreaking havoc on our being. We can't share right now. We don't want to share. I want us to just get along without needing, without wanting, without resigning to maladjusted behaviors that keep us stuck. I just want to not feel alone with so many souls in one body. How does one feel alone with so many companions?