Confused?

About a month ago I had a fair level of communication with the other parts, I could here them, I could communicate with them (mostly), I was very, very aware. One part of me, was obviously in distress, she was screaming over and over, I wanted to help her, needed to even, but I wasn't capable nor did I know how. I asked the another part of me for help and was told I needed to be the one to help her - but I didn't know how. She has a memory that she won't show me and tells me I'm not ready for it - but I know by the fact I didn't end up in hospital that it can't be worse than what I know already. She became problematic and started hurting us - nothing major but enough to be a personal concern.

Either way now for a few weeks I haven't had the slightest hint of their presense. The absolute most I've had is a thought or two that might not have been mine - but it also could have been. I don't want to go off on a denial phase, so I've kept an open mind, but it seems that nothing is coming through. I've tried actively communicating but I can't tell if any responses are my own imagination.

My concern has always been, I have a very vivid imagination and obsessive thoughts. I definitely do have a problem with dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation. It's not that I don't believe they are or aren't real, but what if it is that I want them to be real enough that I imagine them there? How do I know I haven't subconciously named/labelled the different aspects of my own personality as a matter of deep compartmentalisation.

Sure this could just be us working all together really well - so well I don't notice. Or maybe I'm in a good enough patch that no one needs to come forward, even enough to be heard or live externally. Maybe I'm just wanting/wishing to hard for my experiences to be as clear cut and decisive as some people on here when they're more of an indistinct blur. Maybe they are there but I can't hear them again. Maybe they are there, but they can't hear me again. Maybe they were never there to start off with.

Any or every thing that I have thought has been definitive proof that they are real, could have just been me pretending to myself. Not pretending, but scared and trying to explain other symptoms, confusion within my self. From what I gather it's fairly ordinary for people with PTSD to have a child part and emotional parts, so maybe it's just that. I really don't know. It's like a dream now, a story created by a desperate mind in an attempt to understand.

My sister has said she has seen me change not to anyone hugely different, but like a sudden alertness or something. But how do I know that is just not me reacting to something suddenly or a mood shift? How do I know if I'm lying to myself, or if they're real, if it's PTSD or something more?

Feel dizzy and can't see properly. Might type more later. Unlikely. Feel free to respond now, I shouldn't imagine there will be more. I don't know. Thanks for reading and stuff. x

Our system has gone through similar thoughts and confusions as well, you are not alone in this frustrating matter.

It sounds like you may be in a bit of denial over things, which is very natural. Denial helps protect us from realizing that there are things in our past that hurt us. It is easier to brush them aside when you tell yourself that it could not be real. I would take things slow, and not pry into her memory too far, often times Alters do what they do (in choosing to share memories or not) for a reason, whether for their own reasons or protective reasons.

Kas_Can_Fly wrote:I've tried actively communicating but I can't tell if any responses are my own imagination.

I believe every single member of our system has said this at one point. Since the answers are being heard from the inside (as opposed to the outside), their voices are often easy to mistake for the imagination. There will be times of clear communication, where you will be able to identify their voices with ease, and other times where their voices may seem "blurred" or even known right before they speak, and this can create these feelings. Alex and I are sometimes able to complete each other's sentences due to being very closely connected and having very open communication with each other. Sometimes asking someone a question about themselves and having them answer can shed some clarity between the these boundaries, you will notice that some alters will know things, or say things that you could not possibly have known or made the connection to.

Kas_Can_Fly wrote:Sure this could just be us working all together really well - so well I don't notice. Or maybe I'm in a good enough patch that no one needs to come forward, even enough to be heard or live externally. Maybe I'm just wanting/wishing to hard for my experiences to be as clear cut and decisive as some people on here when they're more of an indistinct blur. Maybe they are there but I can't hear them again. Maybe they are there, but they can't hear me again. Maybe they were never there to start off with.

In our experiences, we have all noticed we tend to think of other's experiences as more "clear cut" or even "legit" than ours. I believe this is also a very natural response. It is normal to wish for clarity on a confusing situation, and there is no shame in this. I would hazard to say that it is more possible that you are just not able to hear them for the time being, instead of them not being there in the first place. Communication between everyone is rarely a stable thing and will tend to come and go depending on a variety of factors including mental state, stress levels, even physical health.

I wish you clarity on your concerns.

Is it normal not to hear them then? I thought most people switched on a daily to weekly basis or were co-conscious - which I usually am to some degree or another but it's so quiet here now. Yes, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I am curious.

How much should I expect to hear them? Why have they gone? Will they come back? I know it's all very odd, but it feels so wrong to be so disconnected from them and as a result alarmingly out of my control. I'm scared that when they come back they will do something, or I'll lose all control to them, that there's an internal problem I don't know about or if they're ok? I'm worried for their sake as well as mine!

I don't switch all the time or even that often and when I do, I'm usually partially aware of what's going on or at least have some "key frames" that allow me to piece together what had happened. Then usually if I really want to know more it's like it comes back very slowly and methodically. Mostly I don't think anyone really notices and even more scary frequently even I don't really notice.

I'm scared of us being truly noticed. My social worker is really open-minded about the whole thing and I think maybe that really scared me, because if he accepts then I will have to too.

I mean I feel pretty normal at the moment and am appearing even more normal externally than I feel, I'm lucky to be in a supportive, safe and understanding environment. I still don't share too much or let what's in my head be portrayed on the outside. The thing is I'm more scared that someone might come forward than is actually likely and that even if someone did, the chances that anyone knew other than me is even more unlikely.

I'm scared of losing control to another completely or for any significant length of time - enough that anyone else really notices. But I'm still not sure. I'm scared.

They will be back. I remember when I had a period of two weeks without hearing from them, but they always come back when they go. Something is probably going on on the inside or they can't contact you because of stress or denial.