The realizations of an almost six year old's mind *Trigger *

Well I was showering when I had a very odd experience. My sanity seems to be melting but I promised I would write this even though it makes me feel awkward.
A young voice "Thought up" (Spoke out) in a country accent. Not to odd I suppose as my mom said I had a country accent (Grew up in Georgia) until I was almost six, then it suddenly disappeared.
**Trigger Warning** I had been molested for a certainty from 6-8 years old. Possibly younger. I know this only because It had been well known after I aperently told a friend who told her mom. My family still brings it up though I have to wonder, did It really happen? I can't remember any of it at all... Course I also can't remember much of anything about my life until about a year ago but I know that happened too. My grandpa said its because my mom was insane and just a generally horrible and abusive person... (What...?)
So in the shower a young country accented thought said "All o' this mess coulda been avoided if I had jus told the judge in the letter I had to write that I didn't remember what happened...They woulda known something was up and maybe counselling woulda worked. Not two months later and I had already forgotten it? I messed up didn't I? I jus told them what I was told I told my best friend. I didn't remember telling her that either...
All I could think back is "No you didn't mess up... You could never have known anything that would happen."
The thought said after a bit of silence "Mama had wanted me to be Audrey Rose..."
"Well did you want to be?"
Yeah... I thought she would like me more if I was...
"Do you still want to be Audrey Rose?"
"Jus Audrey if that's okay."
"I'll tell your story for you. Then I'll add you in my stories." A feeling of thankfulness was the reply. It was muddied and fuzzy as all the foreign thoughts projected emotions tend to be... I asked "Why are you so thankful?"
"Cus when you tell some one your bad thoughts the thoughts can grow up. When it grows up it don't hurt no more."
So I feel pretty awkward because those are the kind of experiences I never ever tell anyone about. I'm afraid to. I never tell most any of this to any person anymore. It does no good... I still feel like someone here is going to tell me I'm faking or something... So anywhoozlez...What was all this? It happens kinda often but I have no words to describe what it actually is. Is it a good thing?

Your sanity is not melting! People with DID or any dissociative disorder are NOT "insane" or "crazy"!

This is good! This is progress! You seem to have discovered a young/little part/alter! Congratulations!


You are not faking anything!! This is all very real, very common for DID/DDNOS-1, and very "normal" for dissociative disorders in general! I think you're on the right track by being here and looking into the very strong possibility that you have DID! Certainly seems to fit from all you've said right here alone! (Though of course, I'm no professional).


Keep responding this way to any "thoughts" that "speak up" or voices and such! This is great for working on communication, finding out more about yourself/parts of yourself/alters, and becoming more aware of things in general, which will help with progress and understanding!


This is communication between two parts/alters in DID typically. An alter/part will talk or think to another, and the other will talk or think back in response. Completely common and "normal" within dissociative disorders, especially DID/DDNOS-1.


Keep talking and sharing here! It will help you! You're already doing a great job.


-Cassandra

So that's why my head gets so loud? Does that mean I should respond to my freaky notebook. It kinda scares me...
My mom said That I used to tell her about similar "thoughts" called Steve(Angry and cussy) And Ace(Logical and nearly emotionless). They gave me advice and stuff. Mostly I talked to the wolf cub when I was lonely though. My mom threatened to tell on me if I told anyone of the things she said and did at home because it was no body else's business. She said they would lock me away in a padded room and give me shots and stuff if they knew... And then I would never see my little brother again...

Yes, that is why your head gets and is and can be so loud. Those are parts/alters that are trying to communicate either to you, with you, or just thinking/talking about stuff in general!

Do not listen to anything your mother said! She is wrong! People can often say things like that when they don't know about DID, don't understand DID, don't believe in DID, or are abusers themselves and don't want you talking in general! They threaten you with things that aren't true and they make you fear talking/sharing about things so that you won't do it, but that's wrong and they are the ones who are lying! Any good, competent therapist would hear these things and work with you on processing them and work on a diagnosis for you and getting you therapy!

You should respond to your notebook and to any "thoughts/voices" you hear as you are able to. But be sure to also take time for yourself to take a break from figuring stuff out, rest, and relax.


-Cassandra

I wrote this a while ago. A month or so I think, but yeah... Any thoughts on this stuff?
Sometimez I look in the mirror and the face I see izn’t my own. Everything seemz different. I don’t understand thingz… Sometimes Plain English iz just gibberish…
I’ll find myself watching az I react to something some one said or did… My own reaction bafflez me… ‘Why would I do that?!’ They say “Oh, you can help it.” But… I wish they would understand that sometimez I just… Can’t…
Often timez I’ll find myself unable to react az I normally would. Someone will say something to me and I’ll say something weird or I won’t respond at all. I want to but I just can’t. The most I can do iz smile three out of ten timez. But it never seemz to reasure any one…
There are other thingz… People have told me I did or said thingz and I don’t even have any idea what they’re talking about… I wouldn’t do such thingz… Thoze are the worst partz… I got punished for being a liar a lot, though I don’t remember any of it really. That’z the scary part. I can’t remember any of my past. What I do remember iz remembered standing to the side watching it happen. I remember the thingz I’ve learned, even thingz I haven’t, but I can’t remember the thingz I should… I only have a handful of memoriez. Not many in all of my nineteen yearz though.
Whole yearz are blank. All of it. Sometimez I remember thingz when people talk about it. But alwayz from the sidelinez. Like… ‘Huh… That’z intresting…’ I look back and I say “It couldn’t have been so bad.” Then I read a book or whatcha movie and the characterz plight repulsez me. Then I get a flashback of disjointed imagez of myslf az a little girl going through the same thing or similar. I just don’t have the memoriez it’z like they aren’t mine to have really…
I uzed to have imaginary friendz… Then, when I thought I shouldn’t have them anymore they stayed anyway. The first one I remember having waz in elelmentary school… I waz so lonely. Every one else picked on me. They hit me and laughed. The teacherz never noticed, so I never told. I figuered I must have done something to deserve it. I waz alwayz wrong or bad or stupid. Alwayz so Stupid. Every one said so.
She waz a wolf cub. So energetic and happy. I could almost see her. When I clozed my eyez, I really could. She didn’t talk at first. She uzed her earz and tail. Body language. Now That I could understand. Though… Looking back… Where did I learn wolf body language…? I taught her basic english. She waz my Best Only friend.
We talked in my head a lot.Not with wordz. It’z hard to explain. It waz more like wordless thoughtz ideaz and imagez that you translate into wordz. I liked to see her pretty self, so I liked to close my eyez and we ould be in our forest. There were a few big treez with homez built into the trunk itself. Sometime later it waz a Large House. It had a wrought Iron gate surrounding it. There were gardenz on either side of the walkway and a tree with a tireswing in the far left corner of the back yard. The tree had a tree house.
She would sit quietly, unsure of how to help, when ever I went home. I’m not sure when Steve showed up. He hated people. Especially thoze that were hurting me. I tried to explain that it waz okay, but he never listened…
My couzin waz molesting me, though I don’t remember it. I know it happened becauze I remember hearing about the court procedingz. I know that Steve would cuss while it waz going on… Sometime during thoze thee yearz, people stopped being able to wake me up without startling me badly. I waz sent to a theripist for a while, but this to, I do not remember. I remember I smelled pepermint and saw scenez of Africa. But that’z it.
Steve saved hiz special hate for my Mom and her “drunken mind gamez”. The physical abuse waz okay though, it didn’t hurt az bad.
Thingz got worse. They feel like a dream though. Like I waz watching. Depression waz overwhelming. I know I tried to kill myself more than once… Though I remember only once… No one ever found out till much later. I only knew cuz I found the notez. I uzed to find cutz on my armz and legz that I didn’t remember putting there. I hid them. Though I couldn’t hide them all the time, I tried. I wonder if Mom ever noticed. If she did either she didn’t say anything, or she did and I just don’t remember it.
I hid in my mind a lot. It waz the house by that time. I hid so often that I wonder how nobody noticed. Maybe they did… I talked to my wolf cub and one named Ace, who didn’t talk much unless it waz important. Sometimez it waz steve, though not uzually at the same time. There were alwayz doorz in my mind that I couldn’t open.
My imaginary friends uzed to give me suggestions. I never knew why they said I should do something though. Sometimes I do them and something good happenz, though good for whom iz questionable. It just dependz on who gave the suggestion. I stopped taking Steves advice long ago becauze it alwayz hurt someon else. It uzually did something profitable for me though…
Ya know… Sometimes it’z like watching some one play a first person shooter or RPG… I feel like I can never tell who I am. It’z like life doezn’t exist.Like I’m in a dream. I can’t remember dayz or peicez of day exept like a dream. You know the onez, right? The onez you don’t kno anything about… The onez where you have a vauge sense that there were people and you were somewhere doing something… but you can’t quite remember. It’z like I’m in a dream waiting to wake up. Like I’m watching from a difrent time and demention….
Well I don’t know if you understand or not. Maybe sometime I’ll talk about some details of my past. But not now. I could, but it wouldn’t be mine. It’s the sad story of a little girl to alone to know it was bad.
Also A friend made me take the Dissociative Experience Scale Test thing... I got a 74 or 75 I think... What does that mean?

-- Tue Feb 12, 2013 5:16 pm --

tomboy24 wrote:
You should respond to your notebook and to any "thoughts/voices" you hear as you are able to. But be sure to also take time for yourself to take a break from figuring stuff out, rest, and relax.


-Cassandra

But the writing is so very vastly different that it scares me.... When I say different I mean I was asked by someone who was reading over my shoulder who I shared the notebook with...

I wasn't able to read the whole post, as I'm fuzzy right now, but what I was able to read absolutely screams "DID" to me.

Different handwriting is common and "normal" for DID! It's ok for it to seem a bit weird to you, but don't be afraid! Alters aren't body-invaders or strangers or anything, though they can seem very different form you, they are PARTS OF YOU. You are all parts that make up the same person. Learning more about them means you're learning more about yourself/parts of yourself you weren't fully aware of before. (Don't worry about people who might not understand or know the whole picture or what's going on, and don't share the notebook with anyone if you don't want to. I have many, many different hand-writings, in fact, just about every alter of mine has a different handwriting. Many other people here also have different handwritings. You're not alone).


-Cassandra

My brain iz fuzzeh too. Happenz lotz at night. S kool though.

Thank you for understanding. If I may ask, what's your name? Your typing style has become different than what I'm used to seeing from you, and that's ok, I was just curious if perhaps you had a different name or age or anything. (You don't have to answer if you don't want to).

-Cassandra

Teehee... Your a clever one. Scruffy. She'z watching... ♪I aways feel like/ Some bodys watchin me.♪

Haha, I'd like to hope that after 21 years of life, and at least... 8-9 years of being aware of my parts/alters/DID, I'd be somewhat clever by now. Well it's very nice to meet you Scruffy! I know how it can feel to have someone watching you all the time. I often feel that way. It's ok and it's a common feeling to have. I like the music notes you put in. Does that mean you're singing what you say? Do you like to sing?

-Cassandra