switching while retaining sense of self?

Yes, well, do normal people have people in their head mad at other people in their head for changing what they wrote? And do said mad people in their heads yell at them to go back and fix it until they do?

Does your T even know the SCID-D? It’s a pretty niche thing to know, it seems, so if your T doesn’t specialise in dissociative disorders, he may not even know the SCID-D. This is the advantage to the MID because it does not require training. The DES is recommended as a screener, including by the creators of EMDR (because EMDR apparently brings out dissociative tendencies), but I don’t like the DES, and neither do at least some people who practice EMDR. It does not do a very good job of diagnosing dissociation, which is why it is recommended as a screener. I think the MID does a better job. The MID also tells you what kind of dissociative symptoms you experience, so it could help clarify what kind of dissociative experiences you experience.

On the other hand, I understand your caution. If the right part of me is not answering the questions on the DES or the MID, they will say we don’t experience dissociation at all. And afterwards, when I remember that I do experience other symptoms, I wonder why I wrote what I wrote. This gets especially worse when I know someone else will be looking at it. Also, when we took the MID, they kept arguing because some of them experienced it and some didn't. Some of it experienced it most of the time they were out, but how much of the body's experience does that account for? And after a while (there were 217 questions), some part just started putting down their answers and not asking everyone else because they got annoyed with how long it was taking. This is another reason why the SCID-D, which often triggers a switch, is preferred. So I get why it makes sense just to say, yes, I have it, and be done with it.

Just because you weren't able to answer yes to any of the questions I asked about memory does not mean that you don't lose time, I think. Personally, I remember buying stuff, but I don't remember why I bought it - sort of like, yes, I was there, but only along for the ride.

I didn't realise how often I switched either until I try to post here or read journal entries from the past year or hang out with other people. For me, it all still feels like me, but the reaction/emotion(al capacity)/cognitive capacity/knowledge/memory/behavior is so wildly different from other times that... I'm now pretty sure it's a switch.

But I can't figure out how I could think for so many years that I am the same type of person all the time. For example, we had a host change (no one knows exactly when). We conceptualised ourself as the old host, even after the old host temporarily disappeared. So everybody would be like, you don't act like that. And we didn't. Sometimes we would think that we'd changed somehow from the this person we were for so many years and be unsure how (the host changed), and sometimes we would think that we had always been like we were now (as an alter, we had not changed). We didn't realise what had happened until the old host came back, and we learned DID terminology.

michiru7422 wrote:But I can't figure out how I could think for so many years that I am the same type of person all the time.

I think I'm now at the same place. For example, a certain place (sort of a club) I go to every week is probably handled by someone else. And I sort-of remember the holiday of one and a half year ago (I mainly know it happened, but I don't really know where we went to. So maybe that counts as time loss?). On that holiday, I probably was (almost the whole time) switched to someone that could handle my parents better.

--- Next day.

I'm now switched. Or something. Maybe I'll post more when I'm really back.

I'm back now. I was aware the whole time - at least I have memories of the whole time and I have been conscious often. So, well, I do switch, apparently. But that's a whole different thing for a different thread.

I do have memory issues, I think, but I'm not sure whether it's DID/DDNOS related. This is one of the things I am still figuring out. (Btw, unrelated, but when I look back, I have made a lot progress the last weeks).

Yeah, I'm just not sure whether it will help in any way to use a test. My therapist seems to know the SCID-D. I think it's just more productive to work on the issues I have now. I totally get what you're saying about parts arguing over what to fill in. This happens so often with (psychological) tests I take!

shay
always
there.

through
any
switch.

sometimes
shay
behind
"glass"
and
can
only
watch.

sometimes
shay
can
fight
for
control.

sometimes
shay
can
share
control.

sometimes
shay
give
up
and
leave
because
shay
stuck
behind
"glass"
anyway.

but
shay
always
there
at
first.

cassandra
get
memory
updates
and
think
"that
cassandras
memory?"

and
shay
have
to
go
"no!
that
shays
memory!
cassandra
know
of
it
now
and
it
may
feel
like
cassandras
memory
but
that
shays!"


sometimes
cassandra
think
cassandras
faking
because
cassandra
can
remember
all
if
try
hard
enough.

but
just
because
cassandra
can
recall
memories
doesn't
mean
they're
cassandras
memories!
or
that
she
was
out
for
them!


~s
h
a
y~

Thank you Shay for posting that!

I was certainly conscious often. I often tried whether I could move (and couldn't, just as if there was some missing connection between my brain and my muscles) and sometimes I managed to break through - one time with the help of (positively) triggering music (it hasn't helped much more, and it didn't help that the one out didn't want to play it but it didn't help anyway so why bother). Whenever I was present, I didn't feel DP/DR (except possibly that I couldn't move and it felt like someone else was in control).

Maybe memories of the time do feel like my own when the aren't. Maybe they are filled in with memories from someone else. Maybe I was there the whole time but just not entirely lucid (or I was lucid). Time will tell once I figure this out more.

I'm not sure if any of this is helping you... If I am intruding on your thread, I am sorry.

What you are describing sounds like co-consciousness, as far as I can remember from what I have read. Also, you personally could also be like shay without having someone else do it. But what you described about the vacation sounds like maybe not...

Some ways that I know the memories aren't mine is that I'm not acting right in the memories. I don't feel the emotions that I would normally feel in the memories or feel something that I don't normally feel. I notice stuff and get stuck on stuff that I normally wouldn't give a second glance to and forget stuff I'd normally remember crystal-clear. My memories get hazy, and I don't remember much either. If I can't remember something straight away and I have to fight to remember, that's also usually an indication. It's the same sort of thing that helps me recognise an alter as being out.

Michiru, you're certainly not intruding this thread!

I have sometimes thought, maybe I'm almost never really in control, that it's just illusion. Or maybe only acting through. I have sometimes noticed that things didn't go automatic then when they did usually (I really had to think about it). It's one of those things I still have to figure out.

I'm not sure about the memories... Most/all memories are very hazy. Not clear at all. I almost never have an emotion attached to a memory (or I know there is an emotion, but I just don't feel it).

shay
have
almost
all
memories.

shay
was
not
out
for
almost
all
memories
though.

shay
usually
in
background.

shay
only
start
to
miss
memories
after
recognized
by
others.

shay
begin
to
leave
control
room
and
explore
other
places
inside.

but
shay
always
return
to
control
room.

before
recognized
shay
never
leave
control
room.

that
how
shay
there
for
everything.

that
how
shay
remember
through
all
switches.

cassandra
think
acting
or
faking
because
shay
remember
and
shays
memories
get
shared.

sometimes
cassandra
like
shay.

sometimes
cassandra
in
background
but
not
control.

sometimes
cassandra
feel
fake
because
still
aware
of
things
but
not
in
control.

shay
have
say
"no!
not
fake!
not
lies!
all
real!
WATCH!"

and
then
shay
take
control
and
not
let
anyone
help
so
cassandra
can
see
and
feel
and
deal
with
shays
tics
and
not
be
able
to
stop
tics
and
know
it
real.




~s
h
a
y~

Thank you Shay, once again.

So, I've noticed something different from the 'full' (?) switching (when I'm only watching and influencing). I can be in control... but not really. When I try to move my fingers (or anything really), they move, but not exactly as how I intended it. It's like, instead of 'saying' they should move in a certain way, I only say that they should move. As if I'm only giving more abstract, 'higher level' (if you know what that means) instructions. Sometimes, when I try to do things more 'directly', I can't do that, but other times things still go this weird way.
My theory is that I'm not actually in control, someone else is, and I'm only sort-of unconsciously (for both?) telling what to do.

Can anyone relate? Is this acting through?

Edit: oops! Wrong thread I think. It was meant for the thread here: dissociative-identity/topic105549-10.html