I believe I have undiagnosed DID. Dissociation has mixed feelings with me. I certainly can't dissociate like I used to, but it's also not gone.
When I dissociate, it's more of an attack. It takes the form of DP/DR (unless, of course, it's meditative, like switching or something). It strikes most easily when I'm tired, and being an insomniac, that's not all that uncommon. But for these attacks, usually it will start with things just feeling... off. Things just feel strange, like something is wrong. It usually comes with a feeling of dread. Oddly enough, this feeling of dread isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, the feeling of dread is what clues me in that something is wrong with me, and I'll get over it. Sometimes, I feel like something is wrong with the things around me. Each time is different. One time, it struck as soon as my friend left the apartment and I was alone. Right where I was standing, I sat down on the floor and was just gone. I don't remember anything until about 3 hours later, my friend walks back in the door and I haven't moved from the spot. Another time, I swore that my world was not really there, and it was fading away around me. The only thing that didn't seem to fade out was the music that was playing, and I swore I could almost see the music floating through the air. Then I started to panic because I was sure that if I didn't do something, I would disappear too. I don't remember how I snapped out of that one. Another time, for no apparent reason, I had the mental image of ripping my skin apart. No idea why, I felt no pain, as though everything except my hands was completely numb. It felt relaxing. I don't remember snapping out of that one either, but I remember being called for dinner in the middle, and mentally I just kept going, but somehow I managed to get dinner eaten and back to my room with absolutely no memory of it. These episodes usually don't last more than an hour, unless it's a trance, in which case it will literally last until something triggers me out of it. I have only had these attacks during the time that my alter was missing.
The other type of attack that I get is completely emotional. I just... snap. This, I love. I think it's the freedom. I don't think it's triggered by my environment, but I can feel one of these attacks coming for days before it hits. I try to keep busy, because it hits when I'm alone. When I wake up in the mornings, it's always worse, so it's always just a matter of time. And when it hits, I just... stop. Emotionally, I just turn off. I still go through the actions and people rarely notice. But I am not mentally there, I remember little, and I get nothing that takes any thought accomplished. My friend discovered that during these times, I can generally be found at home ripping apart an old sock, if I'm not doing something. And if I am doing something, I know I generally get restless. But I feel like I'm just gone. Sometimes I laugh if someone notices, but that's about it. My friend has told me that I don't speak coherently in these states - my words make no sense. I can't remember afterwards to tell her what I meant, so it generally remains a mystery. But when I'm in these states, I don't want to come out of them. When I feel them coming, I look forward to them, except that I know I won't get anything accomplished. These states can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days. It's an escape. No idea where I go, but again these attacks only happened when my alter was missing. When my alter is here, I generally go inside often enough that I don't have these attacks.
But I'm never fully present in the situation. Ever. It's like when you drive a long distance in a car and you zone out and don't really quite remember the trip when you get to your destination. That is normal dissociation. But I have that regularly. I never notice detail, I am never fully involved in anything. I have only been fully involved a couple times in my life, and if not for those moments, I wouldn't even know I'm so zoney. It's seriously a normal thing to me now.
Sorry for the long, weird post, but describing my dissociation is hard. I don't generally think about it when it's happening, and afterward, things are fuzzy. So I'm sorry if it seems sporadic or confusing.
- F, main host, 17-20.Jen
- F, Spirit, 2nd host, 23.LEll
(pronounced "Elle") - F, 6-7.Teen
- F, Caretaker, 14.Little One
- Mute, Nongender, 3.James (Jay)
- M, Twin, 13-16.Janice
- F, Twin, 13-16.Introject
- M?, Silhouette/Shadow.Katie
- F, 9-12.???
- F, 17-30?.???
- M?, 15-17?.
- F, Fey.