I am 18 years old genderfluid and I study games in the university. Just to make it clear: It looks like it's easy, but it isn't. My friends and all are dedicated to studying, some are even recommended to teachers, praised, and stuff. And of course, they judge me for not caring. I am nothing like them. And I have the time and ability to surpass them.
I don't study, I couldn't pay attention to class after two weeks of learning. I got lost and don't know how to learn now. There is a way, but I just don't care.
I don't feel happy about ANYTHING I do. As a game artist, I forced myself to make a really good drawing today. But I just look at it and don't care. It's whatever.
I read, I played piano, couldn't watch any show on netflix, and I played RPG games. Each activity lasted no more than 10 minutes.
And soon I found out I couldn't even talk to people without being internally stressed out with any tiny detail. I couldn't talk to my mom. Sometimes I just disappear completely from the internet for around a week, no communication with friends or anything. Just staying home, being useless and sleeping most of the time. I call it just "stopping to exist for a while". But I'm tired of it when it happens. It feels like hell to be so useless and bored of life.
And when I talk to my friends about it (online, and outside of the university) I feel ashamed by the way they support me. Because they probably have way worse mental suffering, and still manage to be good people, and achieve goals. I don't. My life is really good, I have many things I want. People think I'm cute, I get hugged, I make jokes along friends, I have many positive things here.
But I'm just here watching everyone around me shine without doing anything about it.