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I just want to die

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I just want to die

Postby john2190 » Wed Feb 01, 2012 9:38 am

I'm 28 now and feel like my entire life has just been a massive failure. I have been overprotected by my parents, bullied at school, never had one person I could look up to. Being a Christian and having been brought up in church I have always led a morally correct life which has meant never drinking, smoking, taking drugs and saving sex for marriage. I have had a few serious relationships and been on numerous dates with different girls but end of the day right now I am still single and painfully lonely and still waiting to experience sex with the right woman.

I think ever since I was around 13/14 I have been battling a depression/sadness, a persistent negativity and anxiety which has stayed with me ever since. I went to a great school and then finished university in 2005 with a theology degree and since then the only jobs I've ever done have been boring administration temp jobs, the longest of which lasted 4 months. In total I've only worked about a year in total and so been out of work for a total of 6 years and counting. This is NOT because I am lazy. It is partly due to the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life along with this overwhelming sadness, apathy and a complete and utter lack of desire and interest to do anything. I just don't care about anything. I have NEVER had a sense of ambition, I have no goals, no real aspirations, I just have nothing to live for, absolutely nothing. Just feels like my entire life has been a complete waste and I keep thinking that the best thing to do would be to commit suicide. I always thought that finding the right woman would give me a real purpose and happiness and joy in my life. But that hasn't happened and because I feel this way and never seem to get better, I fear I never will. Because afterall, don't they say you have to be happy with yourself and your situation and circumstances before you can be with someone. Well if that's the case I haven't got a hope. It already feels like I've missed the boat. I have a good personality, I'm decent looking, I'm easy going and intelligent but that doesn't seem to be enough.

I've tried everything. I've been on anti depressants, seen therapists, counsellors, career counsellors, spoken to career advisors, done career tests, written down all my interests and skills, voluntary work all in an attempt to make a decision on doing something, but I still can't figure out why I seem paralysed and unable to move on with my life. The voluntary roles I had I just simply lost interest in. The medication didn't seem to alter my mood. The career tests just made me go round in circles and the counsellors and therapists I saw actually made things worse. There was only one counsellor who really understood me. As a Christian I thought that at least my faith should give me hope to continue and to keep believing that God does have a plan for my life. But due to all the rejection and setbacks over the years my Christian faith has suffered and now I hate God as a result.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Is it just severe depression or something else?

Obviously I have condensed my life story here in brief but from what you've read give me one good reason why I should not end my life? I have absolutely nothing to live for whatsoever. Despite my best efforts nothing ever seems to change, infact life just seems to get worse. Not existing anymore seems to be a far better option than having to endure the pain and agony of having to face each day alone, empty and lost, without hope or purpose. I know I need a focus, an aim, some sense that my life is going somewhere and that I have purpose but I have tried to find it for so many years and failed. I am so fed up of it all.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby MrMental » Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:55 am

Don't lose faith, keep searching for something that will help you. Therapy, medication or maybe a renewal of faith. Persistence and faith in yourself is the only thing that is going to get you out of where you are, you have to rely on and have faith in yourself. Keep trying talk therapy
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Re: I just want to die

Postby Rawiyah » Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:40 am

There are thousands of reasons why you should not end your life.
However, I completely agree with MrMental, that you need to find the faith in yourself.

I know it feel absolutely hopeless right now, but trust me, it gets much easier with time and it gets better. Things always get better. Also, if you can, please bring this to your therapist. They don't want you to feel like miserable, and if you communicate everything to them, they can help you much better.

My heart goes out to you, I know how it feels.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby lancetrot » Wed Feb 08, 2012 7:33 am

Dont worry. you are still young and plenty of life to lead. Be positive. Hope for the better years to come.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby imdepressed » Thu Apr 26, 2012 5:59 am

I am sorry that you're going through a tough time from February 1. I can relate since I have been going through something similar in my life. It's tough, I know. I think about taking my own life, but going up as a Christian myself I don't want to go to hell. I am driven to find a job. I get out by helping others with education and the environment. I have a passion for that. I think in ways of how I can give back to society. Oh yeah, there were/are times that I think I am just taking up space. But I indeed keep going. In a deep and sorrowful time in my life, I went walking. It was hard to step out of the door and make that effort. I didn't want to try, but I did it and within a week, I was feeling a lot better. I listen to my favorite music and go walking along a park, next to a lake. Spending time with friends helps too. If you don't have many friends, you can join a club (a club that may spark interests). I have done it and made friends because we have/had the same interests.

I have been in relationships myself. But I haven't found the right person. I do too fear that I am destined to live alone. Scary? Of course! But I have to tell myself with positive confirmations that may be my purpose is to be or not to be with someone because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I would love to be in a committed relationship but I feel that I have to get myself better before I take care of someone in that way. In the meantime, I help others and build relationships based on interests and volunteering.

It's hard not knowing where you go from here. I have good days and bad days. But I think it takes courage and persistence to find something to make you feel like you do have a place in this world. I know I do because my passion is to help others because in return they help me to keep going.

I wish you well and hope you find what you're looking for.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby Chrona » Thu Apr 26, 2012 9:26 am

EDITED BY MODERATOR... Is there anything you would like to do that you have never done because of moral restraint, busyness, etc.? I am not saying do unethical things, but I think that trying to be good and perfect all the time might lead to depression because it is simply impossible. Might as well try something new. (as long as it does not hurt others/yourself or break the law)

What things do you like to do when you have absolutely nothing to do or worry about?
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Re: I just want to die

Postby Pondscum » Thu May 03, 2012 9:34 am

Chrona, forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I don't think you're God--so how do you know who goes to hell and who doesn't? If you think threatening a depressed person with hell is a good way to dissuade them from suicide, you need some serious education.

The moralistic tone of your "advice" makes me really wonder if you've ever been truly depressed. If not, kindly stick to dispensing "advice" regarding things you actually have experienced.
All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.~~Julian of Norwich
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Re: I just want to die

Postby ecstasydeprivation » Fri May 04, 2012 4:10 am

I'm 21 and feel like my entire life has just been a massive failure. I have been overprotected by my parents, bullied at school, never had one person I could look up to. Being a Catholic and having been brought up in church I have always led a morally correct life which has meant never drinking, smoking, taking drugs and saving sex for marriage. I have had no relationships and been on a few dates with different girls but end of the day I am still single and painfully lonely.

Also, I'm a college drop out, I was interested in Psychology and Theology. I've been isolated at home for the past 8 months because of my confusion and lack of will to participate in this world anymore.
I have no real friends.
I hate life and God.

I think we have a few things in common John, what do you think.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby vetols » Sat Oct 06, 2012 7:04 pm

Hi John,
I sometimes have the same thoughts. People could say positive things, but it wouldn't make me feel better. I got really tired of people saying that it will get better and be positive.

If you really believe that life doesn't matter, and no one and nothing can change that, you could end your life. About the hell thing, it seems like you're already experiencing it. Just know that most people who attempted suicide ended up regretting it in the last few seconds.

If all of your problems can be changed when someone loves you and/or when you have a career, you should not end your life. Those are very circumstantial things, if you wait for a little bit longer, you might just have it all.

If you need aspirations and hopes, make them. For example, move to a different country, where English speaking is such an essential skill that you can make a career out of it. A change of environment makes me feel better.

I guess my point is do whatever you want, but you have to contemplate the pros and cons of both living and being dead. Life definitely brings a lot of difficulties, but it also comes with worthwhile rewards.

You could give up both altogether, or take the difficulties and and take your rewards.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby delamo » Sat Oct 13, 2012 6:39 pm

It's extremely ignorant and harmful to tell people with a psychiatric illness they will go to hell...this idea belongs back in the middle ages. It's very sad that in this day and age there is still so much ignorance and judgment towards people who have a psychiatric illness...it's not their fault just like cancer is not the persons fault....anyone who knows even a little bit about psych illness know that suicide is not something the person wants to do, it happens out of despair when they can't cope with the level of despair, which is not their fault.....I hope and pray one day soon people will understand psychiatric illness such as depression occurs because of an abnormality in the persons brain , it happens on a physiological level the same way cancer diabetes etc does
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