I'm 28 now and feel like my entire life has just been a massive failure. I have been overprotected by my parents, bullied at school, never had one person I could look up to. Being a Christian and having been brought up in church I have always led a morally correct life which has meant never drinking, smoking, taking drugs and saving sex for marriage. I have had a few serious relationships and been on numerous dates with different girls but end of the day right now I am still single and painfully lonely and still waiting to experience sex with the right woman.
I think ever since I was around 13/14 I have been battling a depression/sadness, a persistent negativity and anxiety which has stayed with me ever since. I went to a great school and then finished university in 2005 with a theology degree and since then the only jobs I've ever done have been boring administration temp jobs, the longest of which lasted 4 months. In total I've only worked about a year in total and so been out of work for a total of 6 years and counting. This is NOT because I am lazy. It is partly due to the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life along with this overwhelming sadness, apathy and a complete and utter lack of desire and interest to do anything. I just don't care about anything. I have NEVER had a sense of ambition, I have no goals, no real aspirations, I just have nothing to live for, absolutely nothing. Just feels like my entire life has been a complete waste and I keep thinking that the best thing to do would be to commit suicide. I always thought that finding the right woman would give me a real purpose and happiness and joy in my life. But that hasn't happened and because I feel this way and never seem to get better, I fear I never will. Because afterall, don't they say you have to be happy with yourself and your situation and circumstances before you can be with someone. Well if that's the case I haven't got a hope. It already feels like I've missed the boat. I have a good personality, I'm decent looking, I'm easy going and intelligent but that doesn't seem to be enough.
I've tried everything. I've been on anti depressants, seen therapists, counsellors, career counsellors, spoken to career advisors, done career tests, written down all my interests and skills, voluntary work all in an attempt to make a decision on doing something, but I still can't figure out why I seem paralysed and unable to move on with my life. The voluntary roles I had I just simply lost interest in. The medication didn't seem to alter my mood. The career tests just made me go round in circles and the counsellors and therapists I saw actually made things worse. There was only one counsellor who really understood me. As a Christian I thought that at least my faith should give me hope to continue and to keep believing that God does have a plan for my life. But due to all the rejection and setbacks over the years my Christian faith has suffered and now I hate God as a result.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? Is it just severe depression or something else?
Obviously I have condensed my life story here in brief but from what you've read give me one good reason why I should not end my life? I have absolutely nothing to live for whatsoever. Despite my best efforts nothing ever seems to change, infact life just seems to get worse. Not existing anymore seems to be a far better option than having to endure the pain and agony of having to face each day alone, empty and lost, without hope or purpose. I know I need a focus, an aim, some sense that my life is going somewhere and that I have purpose but I have tried to find it for so many years and failed. I am so fed up of it all.