READY TO DIE...

IThe problem is when therapists/psychiatrists keep emphasizing a certain disorder or dysfunction that it becomes VERY depressing. I have had so many diagnoses over the years (many of which were inaccurate) that it lowers my self esteem each time I hear something new.

i can understand, try not to get to hung up on labels though. be more concerned about treating the symptoms your dealing with.

The problem is when I'm naturally neurotic/depressed it's naturally part of who I am

doesn't mean it can't be alleviated. also it sounds like your too used to the depression if you believe it's part of who you are. i'm the same though, and i wonder, if you get happy moments does it feel fake and uncomfortable, like it's not you?

either way, it can be helpful to remind yourself your misery is not who you are.

It can be diminished/controlled - I have been there done that in the past. The problem is that when it isn't I pretty much feel dead inside.

yea i get that too, like anxiety and misery is the only thing you feel, and you feel numb or not much of anything when you don't feel them. it's like the saying "i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all".

Through relaxation, working out hard, therapy, and a deep depression as the result of the death of a loved one, I sank into a deep state of apathy and my adrenaline literally shut off. I was no longer scared of anything. The problem is now that all of these repressed memories and emotions have come flooding back to when I was on antidepressants and the feeling of pre-hypochondria.

sorry too hear. this is something a therapist should be able to help you with. also, how long have you been in therapy and what specific therapy have you been in.

At this point I feel stuck and don't know what to do. Basically I can repeat the entire TAKE MEDS >>> GO THROUGH (HELLISH) WITHDRAWALS >>> EXPERIENCE SEVERE ANXIETY/DEPRESSION >>> HAVE IT EVOLVE INTO HYPOCHONDRIA/INTERNET ADDICTION/ADRENALINE ADDICTION >>> COME DOWN FROM THE STATE OF FEAR GRADUALLY >>> AND START BACK AT SQUARE 1.

why are you so certain that the meds won't work and that you'll eventually get hypochondria.
also have you tried wellbutrin, there's no withdrawals when you get off it.

While I was in the "fight or flight" state of hypochondria and extreme adrenaline, it felt a helluva lot better than being depressed - I thought this would last indefinitely. I was able to overcome it and it was very painful to experience. When I made it through, I felt as though I had conquered the world.

now you just have to work on getting there without the adrenaline.

If there's anything I learned from the experience other than how much my life sucks is that I can expect very sh###y times ahead in my future.

you sound to sure of that. and be careful, the mind is a powerful thing, it sees what it expects, you don't want to create a self-fulfiling prophecy.

I usually try to have no expectations, but the anxiety just creates them for me in my head. I'm already disappointed and basically just avoid all socialization (which is unhealthy and makes me feel lonely). However, the anxiety is literally unbearable - I can NOT take it so I stay lonely vs. actually engaging.

understand. when the anxiety creates them, let it do it's thing as it's not worth attempting to control and try to go in the situation anyways, the worst that will happen is you'll be nervous and may look stupid to some people, but it will get easier over time no matter how hard it is at first.

also it's certainly hard to socialize when your depressed, i know for me sometimes it's not even anxiety it's just a feeling of wanting to be alone, but then i feel really lonely

Tons of things including: 1) Loneliness - I don't want to live alone or be alone for life. 2) Not having any friends. 3) Not having a social job or job that I want due to my mental health. 4) Going through the cycle that I've explained of meds, withdrawals, hypochondria, addiction, etc. It is EXTREMELY PAINFUL. 5) Feeling deeply suicidal all the time.

those are all things that can be fixed though, though i know when your that low it doesn't feel like it, it's just a matter of getting the help you need.

It's what I've always somehow managed to do. The problem is that I feel like I can't learn any life lesson or gain wisdom because I am at the mercy of my genetics. No matter how hard I try or what I do, I know that I will eventually return to homeostasis - a state of natural functioning in which I am: Introverted, Anxious, Mentally Slow, Depressed, Extremely Lonely, and Suicidal.

no matter what your genetics are, the environment plays a big role too. so even if anxiety and depression are in your genes, doesn't mean your doomed.

I guess I can only pray/hope that I end up dead.

why not instead hope and pray you get through this?

Just when I thought that I was going to be depression/anxiety free for life - everything crushed me back down and make me feel ready to die

but the problem is you weren't really depression and anxiety free, if your referring to that adrenaline period. instead of being resolved it was just covered up and waiting to come through again.

I actually was more motivated, in more control, and was able to derive pleasure from certain activities like listening to music/conversations with others.

try to keep those times in mind, as it can give you the feeling of a state to work towards and what it's like to not feel so miserable.

Now I feel so introverted that my mind goes blank during convos. Additionally my income sources have gone way down and I feel trapped there too.

depression is likely the result of that happening during conversations. and you can always make money and work on that kind of thing, but your depression is the thing that needs fixing and will very likely fix those two things as you will have more energy/motivation.

I have Xanax and some other relaxant that he has prescribed, but dislike taking them very much because I don't like feeling drugged up.

yea it's not good to rely on those as it's addicting and some of the worst withdrawals to go through on a drug (unless you taper i suppose). i would save them for the worst of times, like panic attacks.

but the main thing i wanted to say in this post is look into traumatic release exercises

it was developed on the idea that when animals in the wild encounter traumatic experiences, like being chased and almost eaten by a predator, they start shaking and trembling which releases the trauma/stress then they go on with their lives.

so while it was developed for ptsd, it can greatly help anyone and it doesn't require reliving the past or any memories as it releases all the truama/stress through the body.

i don't have any experience with it (hope to change that soon), but i pm'd lily82 to try to get some more details and she claims it's the only thing has helped her BPD. if she responds all forward the message to you if your interested.

also here's her post on it (starts at halfway on the page) borderline-personality/topic83179.html

i'm also trying to find instructions online, but there's a dvd and book by david berceli you can check out

also what can help is subconscious repogramming
http://billyjury.com/subconscious-repro ... er-centre/

it involves things like visualization and affirmations. sounds silly but it supposedly works. so like when you go to sleep visualize yourself being happy and say in your head 'i am happy' even though your not. the idea is doing this daily, overtime your subconscious will start to believe it and work with you to do the things necessary to become happy, instead of working against you.

also check out the ted talk on youtube 'the happiness advantage-linking positive brains to performance'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXy__kBVq1M

i can understand, try not to get to hung up on labels though. be more concerned about treating the symptoms your dealing with.

Yep. I agree that's what I need to do. Very tough for me at the moment because all I keep thinking about is how most people I know are normal and how totally messed up my life is compared to them.

doesn't mean it can't be alleviated. also it sounds like your too used to the depression if you believe it's part of who you are. i'm the same though, and i wonder, if you get happy moments does it feel fake and uncomfortable, like it's not you?

The depression is part of who I am. I really am depressed and/or anxious literally all the time. It's just a matter if I am able to function with it and push through it. I don't get any legitimate happy moments. It's literally all depression and/or anxiety and these won't go away. I have had legitimate happy moments in the past, but that was when my adrenaline got so high that my depression/anxiety was totally masked and covered up so I didn't feel it. This allowed me to actually feel happy and experience it.

either way, it can be helpful to remind yourself your misery is not who you are.

It's really tough to remind myself this when it's really how I feel nearly all the time. Literally the ONLY thing that helps slightly is my girlfriend. But I don't want to have to rely on someone else for my happiness. I want to be happy and be able to contribute to the relationship as much as possible. It kills me inside to know that I can't just be normal and have "fun" like others.

yea i get that too, like anxiety and misery is the only thing you feel, and you feel numb or not much of anything when you don't feel them. it's like the saying "i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all".

Yeah it's so tough because in the past when I felt "nothing at all" or apathy, I wanted to feel something - even if it was pain. And when I feel intense emotional pain as a result of depression/anxiety/both I would rather feel nothing at all. Ideally, I would like to be in a pretty good mood most of the time and just be a normal human being - able to handle the full range of emotions. However, I will take drowning out my dysfunction with adrenaline any day of the week.

sorry too hear. this is something a therapist should be able to help you with. also, how long have you been in therapy and what specific therapy have you been in.

I was in CBT for awhile - didn't do sh!t - if anything made me feel worse. At the moment, I'm not sure what type of therapy I'm involved with, but I get so emotional and depressed during therapy that most of my session is spent crying and feeling like crap. My therapist assigns me some stuff to do for homework each week in attempt to help me make progress and improve my life.

why are you so certain that the meds won't work and that you'll eventually get hypochondria.
also have you tried wellbutrin, there's no withdrawals when you get off it.

I guess I'm not certain that I'll get hypochondria again, but in the past, meds have been nothing short of a nightmare. Most made my depression WAYYYYY worse, made my anxiety WORSE, made me a basket case and HIGHLY SUICIDAL. Then again, most of my life has been a nightmare so I don't have much to lose at this point. Medications have messed me up so much in the past, but at the same time, I guess the fact that they increased my anxiety a lot helped me make it through certain life situations. I'm not against meds, but they have never really been very effective at helping.

now you just have to work on getting there without the adrenaline.

Literally impossible. Growing up I never felt good on the inside. I had good parenting, friends, etc. - but emotionally I felt "off." After realizing that I was an introvert with social anxiety, it all made sense. This caused a lot of depression and I literally felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. My friends really all moved on and I never was able to maintain a quality/deep relationship with anyone throughout high school or even elementary for that matter. Every time I did something with a friend, I felt extremely UNCOMFORTABLE on the inside.

When I started thinking that I might be going crazy, the adrenaline built up. When the adrenaline built up, I stopped taking my meds because I started worrying about every little thing. Eventually my worries snowballed and my brain literally kicked into hyperdrive - thinking at such a rapid pace that I was living in a state of constant FEAR. This fear built up more and more and I started thinking tons of things were wrong with me - hearing loss, schizophrenia, cancer, etc. (none of which were). Eventually I became so preoccupied with those fears that all social anxiety and depression disappeared. When I overcame those fears through desensitization and my brain slowed back down, everything I originally had to deal with - social anxiety/depression/introversion/emotional sensitivity came back in full force (which is what I am dealing with now).

you sound to sure of that. and be careful, the mind is a powerful thing, it sees what it expects, you don't want to create a self-fulfiling prophecy.

The mind is a powerful thing, no doubt. But so are genetics. In my case I have accepted defeat. I no longer wish to fight or try. I mean what should I try? Medication? Did. Therapy? Did. Alternative therapies? Did. I know what my problems are. It's a combination of having social anxiety and introversion - when coupled together make me depressed. What the adrenaline/fear did for me was helped me be more outgoing and took away both my social anxiety and depression. This essentially made me normal - and more quick-witted/motivated than the average person.

understand. when the anxiety creates them, let it do it's thing as it's not worth attempting to control and try to go in the situation anyways, the worst that will happen is you'll be nervous and may look stupid to some people, but it will get easier over time no matter how hard it is at first.

The thing is that I know what it's like to suck at socializing and have had years of my life when I thought I was great at socializing. For me it's really a matter of what state of consciousness I'm in. If my life is being run by social anxiety/depression/fear/etc then I'm not going to be good. I can still "act" my way through social interactions, but I hate "acting" because of my anxiety - it's not who I am and it feels FAKE. When my adrenaline built up, I felt like I could be myself and felt comfortable in my own skin. The thing is that it NEVER gets easier unless I find a way to change my brain. I agree that experience with socializing helps, because it has helped me in the past. But at the same time, depression/anxiety in combination with introversion really is like a total smackdown that makes me want to die.

also it's certainly hard to socialize when your depressed, i know for me sometimes it's not even anxiety it's just a feeling of wanting to be alone, but then i feel really lonely

Totally agree. The thing is, I don't want to be alone. I want to be around people so bad that when I'm by myself the loneliness and internal pain eats away at me. This is part of what makes me feel so damn suicidal. I WANT FRIENDS, I WANT FUN, I WANT A GOOD LIFE, I WANT TO BE HAPPY (FOR THE MOST PART), I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE, ETC. I just feel like I have no control over my life at all.

those are all things that can be fixed though, though i know when your that low it doesn't feel like it, it's just a matter of getting the help you need.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. They can only do so much. I talk to my parents, I talk to my girlfriend as much as I can, I force myself to be in situations that make me uncomfortable. I work out. I try to stay as normal as possible, but I am soooooooo depressed /anxious /suicidal /lonely /introverted that I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual state of self-loathing all the time.

no matter what your genetics are, the environment plays a big role too. so even if anxiety and depression are in your genes, doesn't mean your doomed.

Yep I agree. I think genes can be altered via environmental factors, hormones, and medications/chemicals. I have had anxiety for nearly all of my life and no matter what I try it seems as though I don't get relief. So even when something works, it is basically a temporary mask that doesn't take away the underlying problem.

why not instead hope and pray you get through this?

I've done that too many times, never got better. I really do hope that everything ends for me as soon as possible. Every single day is a struggle for me.

but the problem is you weren't really depression and anxiety free, if your referring to that adrenaline period. instead of being resolved it was just covered up and waiting to come through again.

You are right, the adrenaline was the best treatment for my depression/anxiety/introversion that I've ever encountered. It was painful too, but I at least felt socially confident and was very functional. It did essentially cover up the problem, but I will take a cover up any day rather than have to deal with the pain that I have trapped on the inside. It's really a personality/genetic problem that has led me to become the person that I am.

try to keep those times in mind, as it can give you the feeling of a state to work towards and what it's like to not feel so miserable.

I'm trying my best. I have had good times. The problem is that none of the good times I've had were just me "as is" without chemical/hormone influence. I had a good year on Paxil CR back in the day. Then when that drug wore off, it was 2.5 years of straight HELL - literal HELL. Then the next 4 years were pretty darn good because they were all masked by high levels of adrenaline. Every little situation felt like a competition and like I had to be ready for any type of action. Although the adrenaline is uncomfortable and I still had some anxiety, I was way more functional than I am right now.

depression is likely the result of that happening during conversations. and you can always make money and work on that kind of thing, but your depression is the thing that needs fixing and will very likely fix those two things as you will have more energy/motivation.

I totally agree. When I wasn't depressed, I was working and SUPER motivated to make money - and that I did. I would have never guessed that I would have reverted back to my "homeostasis" consciousness if someone would have asked me a year ago. Now that I'm here, I wish I would have been able to do something to prevent me from returning to this state of discomfort.

yea it's not good to rely on those as it's addicting and some of the worst withdrawals to go through on a drug (unless you taper i suppose). i would save them for the worst of times, like panic attacks.

I don't like taking Xanax - at all. It actually makes me more depressed and my mind goes blank - a very bad combination. I haven't been having panic attacks really, but I do have moments when I cry for 30 to 60 minutes a day and all I can think about is wanting to commit suicide.

but the main thing i wanted to say in this post is look into traumatic release exercises

it was developed on the idea that when animals in the wild encounter traumatic experiences, like being chased and almost eaten by a predator, they start shaking and trembling which releases the trauma/stress then they go on with their lives.

so while it was developed for ptsd, it can greatly help anyone and it doesn't require reliving the past or any memories as it releases all the truama/stress through the body.

i don't have any experience with it (hope to change that soon), but i pm'd lily82 to try to get some more details and she claims it's the only thing has helped her BPD. if she responds all forward the message to you if your interested.

also here's her post on it (starts at halfway on the page) borderline-personality/topic83179.html

i'm also trying to find instructions online, but there's a dvd and book by david berceli you can check out

also what can help is subconscious repogramming
http://billyjury.com/subconscious-repro ... er-centre/

it involves things like visualization and affirmations. sounds silly but it supposedly works. so like when you go to sleep visualize yourself being happy and say in your head 'i am happy' even though your not. the idea is doing this daily, overtime your subconscious will start to believe it and work with you to do the things necessary to become happy, instead of working against you.

also check out the ted talk on youtube 'the happiness advantage-linking positive brains to performance'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXy__kBVq1M

Hey I appreciate the traumatic release exercises. I did some trauma therapy called EMDR and I have also done systematic desensitization. Both worked - but took awhile. My baseline level of arousal had to drop from being "high on fear" to a lower level for me to process the emotions that led me to experiencing a level of extreme stress. From there, eventually I was able to get my body to relax. It was only a matter of time (about a year) before my brain finally slowed down back to homeostasis as well. Now I am back to Square 1 and feel like I am going to go crazy. All of my emotions have come full circle and re-surfaced in full effect after the adrenaline depleted them. I literally don't know what to do besides continue to go to therapy and see my psychiatrist.

I want to say thank you for trying to help me out. I know I am a good person, want to make others lives better, and I want to have a good life for myself. I want to get married, have a good job, and just have fun living life. I guess I can at least dream. I cried all morning because I am so depressed and feel like a boring person. I don't want to be boring. I want to be fun and have at least a few friends that I can enjoy myself with. I have my family and girlfriend - both of which I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for. I guess I just don't know what to do. Everyone else's lives seem to be moving, friends, jobs, experiences, fun times, good memories, etc. And then there's me, just breathing and waiting to R.I.P.

Have you tried to stop thinking?

Stopping thinking = death, which is what I want to try. I've reached a new low. I realize that when I first started this thread, my depression was much different than the type of depression that I am experiencing now. The initial depression had me with a lot of anxiety and adrenaline energy. At the moment, the depression that I'm experiencing has sucked all of the energy from my existence - leaving me with no adrenaline/fear energy.

I believe that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. What's worse is that I just lost my insurance which means therapy and psychiatrist appointments aren't going to happen next month. My parents no longer give a flying f#ck about me (and I don't blame them - it would be annoying to listen to a depressed f#cker all the time). To make things worse, I ended up splitting with my girlfriend - who really was the only one that cared an inkling about me. Tried getting back together and really ruined everything to an unsalvageable relationship.

My therapist wants me to: A) Get a job and B) Volunteer. I haven't done either because I can barely get my sorry @ss out of the room each morning because I'm in a haze of crying/loathing. I know the horror of being on antidepressants and re-experienced it again when my psychiatrist threw me a script for Wellbutrin and I became so dizzy that I could barely walk within the first few days.

I know that the best predictor for the future is the past, and my past is full of trash. I eat healthy, I work out, I have tried to maintain friendships but it never works because my anxiety always f#cks me up. I don't have ANY friends at all. The only social contact that I get in a day is from family members / relatives. Last year I didn't have any problem and was at least socializing fine and enjoying it despite the fact that I was suicidal and anxious as hell.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but seeing as most of the kids I went to college/highschool with have significant others/are married, seeing how they have good social support networks, seeing how they have AT LEAST ONE FRIEND, makes me feel so damn hopeless. I've been through more psychological pain than anyone should have to deal with. Depression and social phobia in early teens, suicidal thinking and antidepressant withdrawals at age 16, hypochondriasis and extreme anxiety in later teens, and extreme fear throughout my 20's (I would say akin to PTSD); constant adrenaline rushes and hypersensitivity to noise reminding me of the traumatic loud event that caused me to temporarily lose my hearing, several addictions to computer/gambling/gaming/etc., becoming a workaholic and more.

At the moment I have ZERO energy, am sleeping 10+ hours a day (ridiculous), feel tired all the time, am crying all the time, am lonely, have AvPD (officially diagnosed via MMPI-2), and don't know how to end the pain. I guess I don't care if anyone responds to this thread, I just want to share my life so that if someone is having a bad day, it may make them feel better about their situation. I have been thinking myself in circles and realize that having friends and good social support/contact is probably the most important thing in fighting depression/loneliness/fear. I have NONE.

And now that I am done with school, friendless, I have no hope of meeting anyone. I am isolated, I am fearful, and I am SEVERELY DEPRESSED and suicidal more than anything. I am not in control of my life at all - and therefore submit to my genetic predisposition of being a f#ck up.

What do I wish I could have had in life?

1. GOOD FRIENDS/SOCIAL SUPPORT - throughout my teens, into my 20's, etc.
2. NO SOCIAL ANXIETY / DEPRESSION - this would have helped me make friends/maintain relationships
3. NO PERSONALITY DISORDERS - everyone is unique, but damn, I need some friends
4. FUN TIMES - Nothing is fun. NOTHING. Not a DAMN THING. Nothing brings me a spark of energy or excitement anymore.

*Looking back, there were some times when I made a breakthrough (when Paxil worked and I still was in highschool) as well as when I developed extreme adrenaline rushes (similar to an adrenaline high) and was still in college, but all of this faded away.

I am truly back to Square 1 of genetic homeostasis and see absolutely no way out. In the past I had "hope" and right now I have nothing but hopelessness. It's almost like I'm in a room where I have 2 options: A) Continue to tough out this sh!tty existence and be a depressed f#ck that wants to die OR B) Find a way to end my existence.

Anyways, my apologies for the rant. Never did I think I would hit this new "low." I thought I hit rock bottom awhile ago, but I guess I just got smashed further down. I guess if I was a gambling man, I would say that if I manage to live another 20 years, there's a chance that I will have about 4 quality years of existence. That's based on my past. When I was on Paxil, I had one full year of good existence - when it stopped working, I hit a new low.

I went through 2 years of hell, developed hypochondria (extreme fear), which fueled my body with adrenaline/fear. This fear built up inside my body and coupled with a few traumatic events sent me into sensory overload. This made me emotional, fearful, and hypervigilant. This extreme anxiety fortunately wiped out my depression because it sped up my brain. At one point I became so stressed out that when I looked in the mirror and said I need to do something about this to slow myself down.

So I started working out, eating healthy, facing my fears, and became more social. As I became desensitized to my fears and realized that there was really nothing wrong with me, I became more relaxed. Over the course of the past year and a half, my adrenaline slowed and eventually came to a halt. My parasympathetic nervous system took back over control from my sympathetic and my brain slowed, body became more relaxed, I became less hypervigilant, etc. and random long term memories re-emerged. I became more introverted, less social, less fearful, more relaxed. Eventually though, I reverted right back to Square 1 of Depression and Social Anxiety.

I know there is such thing as "adrenaline addiction" and I think I experienced that at one point. Although it's not healthy and can lead to addictions, etc., the excess adrenaline numbed my emotions to the point that being alone didn't bother me nearly as much. Additionally it gave me extra energy for social situations and events that I had to experience in college.

When I tried medication, I took it from 2003-2005. Since then, I had gone through so many changes in consciousness (many of which were riddled with pain). Now I just want to get some relief. My natural self is introverted/shy but I have fought it for most of my life to fit into society and adapt. After taking medication (Paxil) I became a social beast and when the effect wore off, I panicked. I tried tons of other medications hoping they would emulate the same "fix" Paxil gave me. After trying and failing tons of times, my doctor mumbled something about pre-morbid schizophrenia and I assumed I was going to start hearing voices.

He prescribed an antipsychotic and I threw the whole prescription away. I then went on to develop hypochondria, adrenaline rushes, and literally had myself thinking that I was in fact going to go crazy. Eventually I started to think "maybe I have a brain tumor" or "maybe I have this problem", etc. Then another incident happened with loud noise that really sent me over the edge where I temporarily lost hearing and experienced tinnitus. This put my entire brain into hyperalert hypervigilant status and I was in "fight or flight" for years. Literally years. I became quick witted, funny, more social, and less SOCIALLY anxious - although I was severely anxious in terms of potentially developing cancer, hearing loss, schizophrenia, etc.

As I began to think my way out of this hypochondria with the help of a therapist/books/etc. I realized there wasn't anything to fear. I just said "so what if I have this" blah blah blah. Well it took me awhile, but I fully came down from all of the hypersensitivity and desensitized myself to loud noises, partying, and more (in part thanks to my girlfriend). Well when I became desensitized, the emotions came back full force, and here I am back to being depressed as f#ck with no motivation or zest for life.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm avoidant and schizoid (not schizophrenic). I do care what people think of me which would not be schizoid, but I don't have jack sh!t as far as social relations go. Anyways, I wish I could get prescribed epinephrine or something to re-stimulate my sympathetic nervous system. I honestly don't know what was going on in my brain or body during the 2 year come down from being as I would describe it "hype as f#ck" but I experienced a lot of depression when I realized my brain was slowing down. Now that there isn't an inkling of adrenaline left and I'm SEVERELY depressed back at the initial square of depression and social anxiety, I don't know what to do.

Should I go on medication again? Should I go kill myself? I have felt good in the past, 4 years of my life have been what I would term either "contentment" or at least (artificially induced via adrenaline) happiness. Part of me wishes I could just flip a magic switch and get back to the state of consciousness that I was in when I was happy, but I can't.

And although I DREADED the hell out of going to highschool when I was on antidepressants and experiencing extreme stress, part of me KNOWS that the social interaction was good for me. I always put on a good show and tried my best to make people laugh and interact with others; ALWAYS. Now that I'm out of school and am not required to do anything, I sit at home and mope, like a lost depressed f#cker. I have pondered starting my own website with my own mental health blog just to document/journal how sh!tty I'm feeling and progress in life. I know others have it sh#tty too, and I want a cure for this insanity. I honestly just don't know how much more of this BS I can take.

I have thought about a potential Bipolar II diagnosis, but I don't think that's what I experienced. What I experienced was going from depressed/introverted to Paxil (worked yay... then stopped f#ck) to other antidepressants (really effed me up mentally) to being scared sh!tless (schizophrenia/hearing loss) to hypochondria (imagining everything is wrong) to increased adrenaline/addiction to poker/etc. to happier than average (due to adrenaline) to feeling unhealthy and trying to change to becoming super healthy to depression coming back and me going back to Square 1. Now I don't know if all of this would happen again in the same cycle if I started medication, but I do know that I am not getting any relief at the moment from anything.

Sorry for the major venting. Blah.

omg...ive found this thread googling and i came up here reading this...so ive just registered in the forum to say 2 you one thing..

as i was reading the posts you wrote since last year, i was constantly thinking i was reading myself because i have so many similiarities with you its just impressive..


all that anxiety, depression, lack of motivation to do anything, lack and dificulty of socializing/friends, no one to talk to...we are survivors life is no fun for us like for so many others seems all so natural...

all that part u say we put a mask when socializing and dont like it because seems so fake..thats also me... i have the luck to have 2 brothers to talk 2 but they re all i got, and we dont even live in the same cities

I have sat and read all 14 pages of your posts and I really feel your pain.I think you are a brialliant witter. You must be, as I dont read that much. Most things are not that interesting. I dont cry..ever, but I cried reading your posts. Im a 41 year old male, I too suffer from terrible depression, and I think it is partially genetic (my mom has all sorts of emotional issues), and some is my childhood. I was pulled from England and moved to America when I was 12. Could my mom have picked a better age? I mean Im glad she did as there is nothing left in England, but it was really hard making so many adjustments all at once at that age. I planted some good seeds before the depression really took hold. I got married to a good woman, and I started a small business that is doing well in Las Vegas. I used to have a few friends that I used to do stuff with me, and it sadens me to no end that they just kind of disappeared and wont talk to me. They live in the same city. Ive never been mean to them or said anything unkind. I suspect its because I was doing really well in my 20s with my own business, and I think its the fact they thought I was somehow different, and no longer in their classification. What they dont know is I have the same basic needs as they do, I still really wonder to this day. I even tried to contact one of them to invite them for my wedding in 2005 and he said he would go, and did a "no call, now show". What Im getting at is I think being alone compounds the situation , and makes depression way worse. I am horrible at being social too, and just want to come home at the end of the day and be left alone and be with the wife. I am really realizing that doing that over and over again has some serious prices. Like you , I feel stuck. Ive taken medication like cymalta, and it helps a little in the way that I dont have very hard lows, but I just go through the motion of work, sleep, home, work, sleep, home, again and again, and its really taking its toll. I dont feel suicidal, but I feel like im trapped on and really slow moving treadmill, and I dont know how to make it stop. Calling my old friends I havent spoken in 7 years is not an option, as I dont want to get burned again. Besides they would think Ive gone mad, calling them after 7-10 years of not speaking ton them. Its Too painful. I do have the resources to take a vacation, but I really dont think it will matter, and I really dont have any interest or energy, and just want to be left alone, but being left alone is making me feel worse. Well, my story is different than yours, but its the same. The one thing that keeps me going is I keep telling myself that the medical field is advancing daily, and one day they will find something that works. The medical field has come a long way , even in the last 10 years, and there IS hope. It just really sucks that we have to suffer until then

I read your words and my heart breaks. I want to say so much, but for now just throw this out there -

Have you heard of Daniel Amen's clinics? Not that you really want to try yet another thing, but - this might be different from all you listed. It certainly takes some of the pressure of the ill person to DO and instead looks at the physical reality. He has helped a lot of "hopeless" cases. He has pioneered actually working with images of your live brain and to see what's going on - what is working right, what's underactive, and what's overactive. Instead of just making guesses from the outside and trying stuff.

You can google "Change your brain change your life - Daniel Amen" for an 8 segment youtube series on the topic.

If anyone can help, I would think he could, as he's actually looking at the physical matter to see what's wrong. I feel like this is a new paradigm in mental health. I hope it or something you and those supporting you closely come up with soon will be the puzzle pieces you need for long-term relief.

I hold a bit of hope for you in my pocket.

I've been where you are, I'm not going to promise you will get better, but I will say keep trying. I know how much it sucks, you just feel tired of trying. Its too much to ask any person to deal with that kind of pain, but just keep pushing through.

You're not alone in this

Hugs
Millie x

Just read this post and I'm wondering how you are doing now.