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Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

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Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby moongazerlily » Sat Dec 18, 2010 5:53 am

"Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?" -- SENG article about existential depression

All I want is to meet others I can relate to or whom have gone through what I am going through. To start with 6 years ago I went through an existential crisis. It all began when my computer was broken down (yes, pretty pathetic) and I was stuck isolated in my dorm room for about 2 weeks. One night I was sitting on my bed alone watching TV when all of a sudden I felt a ton of bricks hit me and I realized for the first time the reality of the fact that I was someday going to die. I always knew I was going to someday die but this was extremely different. From there on out I felt an impending doom following me wherever I went and constantly felt nauseous from fear. Whenever I would leave my dorm to go to classes I'd imagine everyone I saw in coffins. In between classes I had go into bathrooms just to cry because I felt so scared. I barely ate and became a zombie. I was stuck in this zombie like state for almost 2 months. Eventually it passed and I let go a little but the realization and some of the feelings have stuck with me ever since.

Every now and again I have anxiety about death but now a days it also is fuel for my depression. I have more recently become despondent, again, the same way I was 6 years ago. Except I am not feeling nauseous all the time like I was back then. I keep thinking that no matter what I do in life, whether I live happily or sadly, the end result is still the same, nothingness. Every one says I should then focus on the here and now because it's what matters.... but in my eyes it does not. "Why bother doing anything? I am just going to die someday anyway" is how I often feel. I am the only atheist I know who is unhappy being an atheist and wishes for there to be more than what I know there to be. I don't want to create meaning for my life, I wish it had already been there and I wish I had been born for a reason other than two people decided to have sex and oops there I was. I feel like I am the only one whom death bothers this much. Even when I don't let it bother me, even though death is thrown in my face every day via televsion, or I don't think about it nearly as much I am still very despondent and disheartened in life. I feel this empty hollow feeling very often, wikipedia describes it well, "Emptiness as a human condition is a sense of generalized boredom, social alienation and apathy". Is there no one out there that relates to this at all?
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby EYPICSYL » Sat Dec 18, 2010 2:02 pm

I have the same thoughts now and again.I am able to see my life as a total waste because all i accomplish even if it was fame would most likely be for what i see as nothing(if i build a statue or write a book i might get a couple of hundred years out of it lol).
Then i have days when i am feeling a bit brighter and i see opportunity to enjoy what life there is out there.
So i am in the last few months transitioning from my habitual thinking to a much more positive state of mind.
At the moment i still drift into this way of thinking if i forget and/or dont eat the right foods.
Im working on not sitting in my room all day for a start.Soon i will be trying to make an effort to be more social with groups,but thats a big step for me annoyingly.
Your certainly not alone.I think its just that people with these kind of issues end up isolating themselves so easy just to cope that you never meet them.There could be someone like you in another dorm thinking the same things for all we know.
Do you have any idea where it all started for you? during that two weeks why were you alone and was it prefered to be alone at the time?
Maybe you naturally have an introvert type personality aka right brain dominant thinker.Alot of right hemisphere users are creative but also suffer from dark thinking,its yin and yang to me so its all good :)

For what its worth i have thought about death alot myself over the years.I first had a breakdown when i was about 23 so ive been consider death at least 10 years or so on and off.
In those ten years ive more or less come to terms with the idea that this could be my one reality or experience and i may never get another chance to exist with these memories with me at least.So ive been given the gift of experience.And i figure i might aswell get as much experience in as i can because i am here for a short time only.
Playing online mmorpg's has helped me realise the situation better.If i consider life to be like one of those games i find it easier to step back and look at life in a different way to what i was seeing from "down there".
The experience itself is what matters,not the end of the journey.
So until death catches me i will be trying my best to survive this game,build my character up and interact with as many other players as i can before i have to log off for good. :D
Depressed,confused,anxious? Maybe a solution is here --> http://www.psychforums.com/depression/topic53818.html
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby moongazerlily » Sun Dec 19, 2010 6:07 am

I understand truly someone wanting to make the best of the time they have here while they are here, but to me it still doesn't matter. The end is the end. I was thinking last night it's like knowing full well ahead of time that you are going to fail an exam, so why take it if you know you are going to fail? That might be a bad example but that's how I see death. No matter what I do in this life, it all, to me, gets canceled out in the end. I am currently not in college anymore btw, I graduated 4 years ago, so I too have been dealing with these thoughts of death and dying for about 10 years now. Definitely off and on. Even when I am not facing my fear of death, I still suffer from depression. Depression defined as "a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity". I think I am also experiencing anhedonia, the inability to experience pleasure. Nothing is pleasurable anymore. Even when I am out having what should be a good time I usually am not. During those two weeks I was alone because I have never had friends, I did at the time have a boyfriend but was just starting to become unhappy in the relationship at that time as well. The existential crisis included questions of, "Is this really who I am going to spend the rest of my life with?". For some reason relationships and commitment now bring up thoughts of death and finality whenever I think about getting into another one, so I almost avoid them or avoid commitment. I suffer from social phobia and also avoidant personality disorder, so that might answer some questions, however I am also introverted as well. I don't often enjoy interacting with other people and when I try my brain gets jumbled up and I cannot form a coherent thought, most likely due to anxiety but it seems even with family I have trouble putting thoughts together. I definitely do not prefer being alone, I am extremely lonely and at the same time unfulfilled and empty. I find that nothing fulfills me. Even when I was happy in my relationship with my ex there was always a feeling that something was missing and I always felt like I was searching for something, something I would never find. I don't really think in the end it matters if this is my one and only experience of this reality and when I am dead it won't matter much if I never get to have the same memories I had when I was alive. I don't remember most of my life anyway and I feel as I get older I won't remember much of now.... so frankly for me I barely have memories to hold onto. I feel my depression that I have been dealing with for the last 14 years of my life has basically given me some sort of amnesia. I don't recall days very well........ oh well I am rambling and this is a pointless response. All I know is that even when I am not weighed down my thoughts of death I still don't feel good or happy. I seem unable to experience happy feelings anymore. So this existence I currently lead is definitely pointless.
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby EYPICSYL » Sun Dec 19, 2010 10:55 am

Its undersandable you feel that way.I dont think there is an amount of time this goes on for before it changes.I would probably be the same if i didnt search for ways to get passed it.
In the end changing my diet was the key to the root of my problem with anxiety and depression.Have you a good healthy diet to start with?At least we could conclude its not your diet if thats ok.By healthy i mean a low carb and sugar diet.
Depressed,confused,anxious? Maybe a solution is here --> http://www.psychforums.com/depression/topic53818.html
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby moongazerlily » Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:45 am

I really don't have the motivation to care about my diet as much as I should. I basically during the day eat whatever I can find at the time. There definitely isn't a lot of sugar in my diet but there may be a lot of carbs. I bought some apples to snack on during the day since I learned that they are a negative calorie food, meaning that your body burns calories digesting them and thus they end up being 0 calories.... but I cannot stand to eat them most of the time. I always buy things because I want to eat them but then when I eat them I don't really want them. I have a hard time most of the time finding food I am even interested in eating.
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby EYPICSYL » Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:22 pm

Well before i say anything else i would suggest you check through the symptoms for candida to make sure its not what is effecting you.
Carbs if refined or even normal complex carbs are transformed partly into sugars aswell.Because i have candida myself i have to stay away from carbs and sugar or eating too many will result in depression and tiredness again.I just thought you should get that common illness out of the way before you look any further for solutions.
It would be a simple fix(healthy diet) but worth looking into just in case.
In general i have learned also that carbs that are refined and sugar wllmess with your mood even if you dont have candida.
Im trying to switch to a primal diet mostly protein and fibre for more energy and less depression/anxiety.
The diet to me is the first place to look with chemical imbalances and depression in general.Quite alot of people notice a difference when they eat well and get plenty of exercise.I think in my case i need the exercise just for my immune system and digestion.
It seems to make a big difference for me anyway.
Depressed,confused,anxious? Maybe a solution is here --> http://www.psychforums.com/depression/topic53818.html
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby moongazerlily » Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:34 pm

What is the best sight for looking at the symptoms? Because the site I am currently on these symptoms could be for just about anything. Although majority of them don't apply to me. I don't have migraines or mood swings, I lack any mood really, just apathy. I am constantly tired but that can be depression alone and in itself that could cause excess fatigue. I don't crave alcohol but I do drink every 2-3 months because I enjoy it. I actually don't crave sweets and mostly hate sweets. Whenever I get any sort of chocolate I get 60-70% dark because I love the bitter taste more so than sweet. However, I have had a bar of the stuff for a month or more not that I haven't touched because I just don't care to eat it. Too much sweets make me feel really ill, so I avoid candy and such. If say I have a candy bar by the end of eating it I feel extremely ill. "inability to think clearly or concentrate"-- that again can be depression itself, I am constantly asked about this symptom of depression when I see the nurse at my psych place. Poor memory and low sex drive are also symptoms of depression. So, really I don't know how someone can know specifically if they have candida... unless they have some of the other non-depression related symptoms. I wish I had the motivation to exercise but I just don't care enough.
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby Marc » Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:19 pm

How can anyone be sure that this life experience is all there is?

What if consciousness is a function of an immortal soul rather than of a brain?

What if our soul is timeless, existing before birth and after death?

There is no proof either way.

There may be a hidden mystery underlying the human experience.

Or there may not.

My intuitive insight tells me that in my essence I am timeless.

But I will only know when I do.

Or know nothing at all.
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby Marc » Wed Dec 22, 2010 9:20 pm

But I will only know when I die.
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Re: Existential crisis and depression; need others who relate

Postby EYPICSYL » Thu Dec 23, 2010 1:43 am

Since i wont know until i die if its going to be nothingness or somethingness i prefer to play it safe and live life in this reality.At least i know im experiencing something, so something is here at least where if i cut it short it maybe be the last something i ever experience ever.Thats enough to get myself to kick me in the ass lol

Regarding the candida, if you want to know if you have it there is a spit test you can do at home into a glass of water in the morning before you swallow or brush your teeth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IVVxuKm1PQ heres what oral thrush looks like in a glass which is the oral form of candida albacans.
The candida that causes most if not all of the symptoms mentioned on these forums is a systemic infection in the gut that spreads through the whole body and leaks through the intestinal walls into the blood stream bringing toxins from your gut into your brain.
This causes alot the mental health issues that can be misdiagnosed as a chemical imbalance or depression.
If you search online you can find out more about diagnosing to be sure.And another way to see if you have it in your gut is to take two weeks off all carbs and sugar or anything like that(if you have candida in your gut it will scream to you for carbs and you will get worse symptoms before the die off is complete and toxins are flushed out).This includes breads, wheat,gluten,aspartame,corn,fruit but not berries etc.Basically you switch to a primal diet.Meat veg and nuts and berries.

I really hate to be mentioning this so often in alot of threads.I feel like it makes me look like a fanatic focused on one illness.
Its just so common in the western world because of the over use of anti biotics and horemones in food that many people get this and never realise.They then go onto doctors meds and get sick possibly die.So i hope people dont mind me mentioning this alot on these forums.I feel its best to cancel it out when i see a similar case than to let unspoken and possibly have someone suffer needlessly.

Ps i know how you feel about exercise.I needed to reach 30 and have a mini mid life crises to get my ass into gear and go out and live life again.My motivation too is that because i have a candida flare up with my diet not strict enough i really need the exercise to fight off depression.every day i dont exercise i feel a dark cloud getting closer ^^
Half my battle after that is just staying off sweet snacks after and between meals.Oh and smoking weed LOL

PPS i dont use any particular site for researching symptoms.
When i found out i had candida it was from searching many sites on google search.I basically had to sit and clear my mind for a minute then focus and try to think of all the physical things i had be it an itch or pain or discomfort etc.
It was just a matter of narrowing it down then.At the time i was severely depressed i showed only symptoms of several mental disorders and no physical symptoms apart from alot of indigestion over the years.Which didnt seem to be of importance at the time.This ment that the doctor automatically diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and prescribed harmfull meds which i had been on for about 6 yars at least! after that i got more sick and the physical symptoms popped up alot more then until i couldnt walk with cramps.My advice is to attempt a diet that is suitable for candida for 2 weeks.If you see no change you know your good then and can move on to other ideas then.
Candida is the most common infection/illness that causes depression from what ive been reading.not sure what other ones match your symptoms that well, but once youve covered them all it is only a chemical imbalance(doubtful to me) or psychological issues that are left.
Im away tomorrow to visit family.Sorry for the massive post.It may not be helpful.
But i wish you the best over the holidays.Chin up :)
Depressed,confused,anxious? Maybe a solution is here --> http://www.psychforums.com/depression/topic53818.html
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