I'm probably going to be a bit scatterbrained here, not to mention very long, and I apologize.
The thing is, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. There seem to be several things, social anxiety, excessive anxiety in general, ritualistic patterns of behavior, and so forth. I've been deeply depressed since my sophomore year of high school, so around 7 years now. I can't really remember feeling happy for a long time. But usually, I'm not sad either. Most of the time I'm just empty. My main positive emotion seems to be contentment anymore. I find myself engaged in a task and I don't really want for anything else. Occasionally I'll feel excited about something, and maybe I'm happy then. But for simplicity sakes, most of the time I just feel empty or bored.
Well this weekend for some reason I've felt a terrible sadness. It aches. I feel mostly better now, but "better" is feeling hollow again. I almost want the aching back, because I want to feel some intensity. This probably sounds confusing, but I think most depressed people will understand what I mean.
I've always been a reserved person, but there were times when I was happy. Let me offer an example. For some reason or another I was running somewhere one day years back, and I saw a crack in the pavement. And for whatever reason I jumped over it. It seems stupid, and it is, but back then I felt happy, optimistic. I felt free enough to be exuberant, at least when no one was around. My problem is that I can't see myself doing stuff like that anymore. I can't see myself acting so freely, just being happy for no reason at all.
Now on to the second part of my problem. I lack empathy for others. I don't like other people, and even most of the few people I consider my friends are more or less distractions for me. I've seen them hurt, and at best I try to help them to alleviate my own boredom. Their problems are a curiosity to me at best and an annoyance to me at worst. Generally I'll try to help them for a little while and get bored if they're still upset after I send a few encouraging phrases like "I'm sure things will work out" their way. I know rationally that I'm supposed to care. These are people who are good to me, after all. But I don't, and I can't make myself care. It's funny, because there is someone who I emphasize with, and that's pretty much the only strong connection I have. So I tend to cling to it. But other than that cherished connection, I dislike most people, but I crave their approval. I need them to acknowledge how special I am. If even a person I dislike sends a rude comment my way, I tend to get hurt and depressed. What did I do wrong, to make them dislike me? This quickly turns to anger. They're trash anyway, of course they won't appreciate me. But it still hurts, because I need to be perfect from all angles. Everyone must view me favorably or I feel terrible. I've always been hypersensitive to criticism, and even the slightest correction is enough to have me obsessing for a day about what I could have possibly done wrong.
The above all sounds like Narcissism to me. However, I posted something similar to this in the Narcissistic forum before, and someone pointed out that Narcissists tend to have high opinions of themselves, and that's a pretty big part of the disorder. I clearly don't. I have pretty much no self esteem, and am always sure I've screwed something up. I see myself higher than other people certainly, but only in that I see myself as slightly shiner trash. Sure I'm better than them, but trash is trash.
This was mostly for venting I suppose. But my question is, for anyone who can help me, could I be a Narcissist despite this lack of self esteem? And if I'm not, what is my problem(Other than me being a jerk
) And yes, I'm trying to see a shrink, but I really struggle with it. Talking about my feelings is bad enough, but I also don't know where to start. I have like 4 serious issues I need to address, and no clue on how to begin. But I may get around to it eventually.
Thank you all for reading, and I'd appreciate any input.