phychiatric hospital?

I've been a having some what of a break down the last week or so, and a couple days ago I started to consider admitting myself into a psychiatric hospital. I'm a sophomore in college, but I'm 17 (18 in march) because I dropped out 1/3 of the way through 10th grade after a depressive episode. I eventually recovered from that, but then 7or 8 months later it started again. i tolerated it for a long while, until several months ago when i could barely function. I found a psychiatrist and I'm on medication that keeps me from sleeping all the time, but most of the other symptoms are still here. Also, I haven't been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but after my doctor mentioned it to me as a possibility, I read a couple books and if I don't have it i don't know who does. About a year before that I had learned about it in one of my psych classes, and thought that I might have it, but ignored it because our teacher would never shut up about the "medical student syndrome" wear people think they have everything they read about, and spectrum's of symptoms with no clinical significance bla bla bla

I've been suicidal for a long time, never attempted, it's all just ideation. I've written about 15/16 suicide letters over the years (starting in middle school) not with the intention of doing anything, just to be prepared if i ever decide to, and to express why I am interested in dying. About a year ago I put them all together in a binder, and over the past 6 months I have picked through them to put together one big composition, of only the relevant information. 2 months ago I threw away the originals, and have since written a few more letters. I don't think I am a threat to myself, but honestly I don't know. I've scene 3 psychiatrists and a dozen therapists in my life, and not one of them thought I was at risk of killing myself either. The thing about it is, I want to not exist, but I can't do that, and I don't want to force my family to handle me having killed myself, and for years that has been keeping me alive, but if there wouldn't be any suffering involved for the living, I would kill myself in a heartbeat. so it's like I don't really know whether tomorrow I will suddenly get over that. It's unlikely though. I would never do it rashly. I would plan as carefully as possible to ensure my success. A few days ago though, I was researching what has to be done to purchase a gun, thinking maybe id buy one when I turn 18. It was just a passing fancy though.

Other than that, I just feel unstable. I have extreme anxiety problems. I hide them well, but interacting with people terrifies me. I am desperate for them to like me so I am always watching their body language, listening to their tone, trying to find the feeling behind the words, and more often than not I jump to ridiculous paranoid conclusions. It sounds normal when I explain it like that, and I use to think it was, but after talking to people about it I've realized that my anxiety is way out of proportion. I have anger issues, not violence, just screaming at people who did nothing wrong, like my mother when she is trying to help me do something. I am easily irritated, very judgmental, just picking people apart. I have a lot of "friends" as in people I hang out with who know about the superficial me, but no close friends, no one who I would dare call at 3 in the morning just because I needed to talk to someone.

I'm stressed up the wazoo cause I don't really want to be in school. I am here because I know this is what is expected of me as a middle class white kid. My parents were so disappointed in me when I dropped out of of high school, and this was my redemption. But I don't want a job either, I find the prospect of work almost sickening. I think of midlife crises and pointless redundancy and I just don't ever want that. I've also been cutting since 6th grade, but I have a fear of people finding out. I stopped swimming, something that I love, just so that people wouldn't see the scars on my ankle.

My question is just, do I even qualify to be admitted? I have had these problems a while, but they just seem to be escalating. There's so much anxiety involved with the process of admitting myself, that I don't feel like I can judge whether or not it is a good thing for me right now. I'm really unhappy, and hiding it all these years is just starting to get to me, and I don't know what's gonna happen if I don't get some serious help. The fact that i even considered this also makes me think it might be the way to go, because I hate therapy and shrinks and psychology in general. I only tolerate my doctor for the meds, cause I have a fear of failure, of not meeting expectations, and without it I would probably fail out of school, or at the very least end up with a 2.0 or something, which would kill me inside.

I'm just looking for a little bit of advice because I'm getting no wear trying to figure this out on my own. If I thought I was going to harm myself this wouldn't be a question, I just would have gone, but as it is I just don't really know how to evaluate my own mental status. I learned to function by playing everything down as much as possible, and only accepting my mental deficiencies when I'm alone. So should I look into having myself admitted, or just trudge through. or will i pay for ignoring this in the long run, regardless of whether it's a true crisis. I could find a therapist again, but i don't think that's really intense enough to snap me out of this, and I don't really want long term therapy, for a number of reasons that I won't go into.

-sorry if this is the wrong category. there are just so man. it is about depression, but there's a hodge podge of other tings thrown in, so I'm not 100% sure

Hi,

You don't have to go this alone at all... ...there's no 'trudging' to be done. You should really try to talk to those closest to you - i.e. your family. However, you should also talk to your family doctor about what a psychiatric hospital is actually like. I know what they're like because I was in one, but you should ask questions about them. On this note, I think that you should go into one. It's apparent that little improve for you from this point as you seem to be completely 'deflated'. Therefore, take the time out now while you can to try to get better. What can you genuinely lose?

Psychiatric hospitals are actually busy places and you might be placed on a waiting list. Looking back, it was a scary time for me, but I basically gave up control of my life to my paretns and did everything they and my doctor said. I had tried to kill myself and had written letters just as you had. I was going nowhere in life. However, once I came out of the hospital, my life rebounded and now - 5 years later - I've just started a PhD.

Keep me updated. i'm here for you.

Kevin

I do want to go, but my anxiety is interfering. I have this intense fear of being told that I don't qualify to be admitted, and that would be mortifying, to call my psychiatrist and my parents, and then to be told that I'm an angsty teen who doesn't have any problems. I don't know if I could handle that. and I've been trying to research experiences and qualifications, but I really haven't found many, and I haven't found anything that explicitly outlines the requirements for being admitted, which might ease some of this anxiety, but then again probably wouldn't because I lie to everyone. I have never admitted to the severity of my suicidal ideation. (to people who physically know me) I mention it in a nonchalant way to therapists and what not, and am able to convince them that it's not a serious problem, so they never ask about it again, and they never bring it up. and I have this nasty feeling that I won't be able to tell the truth, and unless I am honest I doubt I will be admitted.

and because I lie to myself about things so often, I end up with a fear of telling the "truth" because in the back of my head I'm wondering if it is true or if I'm just blowing things out of proportion. I haven't left my dorm in the past 30 or so hours, except to smoke, and my thoughts are just racing. I appreciate your response Kevin, but I really wanted a feel for what people in general thought about it, and instead I have one who agrees with me, which just creates more anxiety, because now it feels like it might be a mistake, and that the only reason I think it's right is because you validated me, and I'm loosing more faith in my ability to accurately make this decision. and I'm not very close to my family. I'm extremely distant with everyone except my mom, and she doesn't have a good grip on the nature of my mental problems, so once I mention it to her things are going to spiral out of control, and I don't want to put her through unnecessary stress if this isn't necessary.

You could always call your local psych ward and ask them if they think you need to be admitted, and if they say you do, go to that hospital.

you can do that? just call... I doubt I qualify for being admitted though, because I'm not really in any immediate danger, or if I am I don't recognize it. I'm just unstable. I think I'm going to call my shrink tomorrow morning and try to make an appointment for as soon as possible and then make an attempt to discuss this with her.
thanks guys.

I'm pretty sure that you can actually just do that, but I do'nt recommend it. Just let the 'cat' out of the bag dude and olwn up to your parents about what's on your mind. Do what I do and put control of your life temporarily in their hands. If you cannot say it to them, then write one of them a letter and ask them to read it. In it, explain everything that's on your mind. Do'nt just continue your life as it is, because you know that things will reach progressively lower points.

Kevin

I called but no-one answered, and I didn't want to leave a message. Then I got really really drunk, did some stupid shit, did a little self mutilating (all shallow and harmless), woke up in a panic, freaked my roommate out with a psychotic outburst. Then I calmed down a bit and called my mom and told her I wanted to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, and she took it well, and recommended I go to the psychiatric unit of this near by hospital. I didn't explain anything though, I don't feel that this is really the time for that. But the problem is we have a shit tun of snow right snow. probably only 3 or so feet, but there are 40 mph winds and it's still snowing, and we haven't had this much snow in like 10 years,

so the only way for me to get there would be to contact the national guard, who apparently are out and about to assist with hospital transportation and what not, and I really don't want to do that, because the stress would be too much, and I hate to blow things out of proportion. My condition has clearly deteriorated since I first made this thread, and I feel extremely anxious and unstable, but I don't feel that I am at any risk of anything, cause I'm just stranded in my dorm room. I don't have access to any lethal weapons or 15 story buildings, and I know full well that if and when I attempt suicide I'm gonna give it my all with something that will most likely end in me actually dying.

So I'm technically "safe," but this stress is killing me. I've never felt this horrible, so I want to go right now and get some help, but the idea of that just magnifies my stress level cause I'd have to do it in such an extreme way.
It's supposed to stop snowing around 7 tonight, so they should have time to clear the roads, to a degree, by tomorrow, and I figure I can try to get there then, but that feels like forever away. and I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. So I'm just sitting here agonizing about this because I don't want to drag people out in this snow for something that I can certainly handle till tomorrow, but at the same time the pressure in my chest is almost unbearable.

-patricia

Patricia, this is insane. You are not 'safe' now - If any person read your last post they'd say that you need to get exterenal help immediately, and that is my opinion too. I appreciate that you called the hospital, but you are going to have to talk to your parents or someone else about this too.

Please.

Kevin

no man I'm good, and even if I were wrong, my room-mate is right here with me, and she's not going anywhere in this snow. and she has been informed of the situation. We have similar issues/understanding of the world, so we have talked a lot about my condition in the last... 4 or 5 months I guess it has been. but unlike me, she has the ability to handle them. so there's nothing to worry about. I am sane enough at the moment, and hopefully I can resolve this tomorrow. trust me, I wouldn't do anything impulsively, because I respect the people in my life who may or may not be severely impacted by the things I do. Even though I didn't explain anything to my mother, I at-least told her that I want to be hospitalized. I'd like to believe my mother knows something about me after all the years we've been together. and I think if I had sounded like I was gonna do anything when we were on the phone she would have called whoever she needed to and gotten me out of here asap. but I'm good for now. If I deteriorate further then I probably will set some things in action before tomorrow, but as it is, I'm handling this as best as I can, and with as little stress involved as possible. And I only called my doc's office, not the hospital.
-patricia

well, my shrink wasn't available, but I was on the phone with the on call guy wear she works,(couple hours ago) and he told me I was fine. He added the whole if this is an emergency go to the hospital, but that's just an instinctual response to cover his ass. So I told him he wasn't being helpful and hung up, because this happens to me all the time. I just get some dumb ass mental health care worker humoring me like I'm a small child. I guess I'm not theatrical enough form them, because clearly, if I am capable of speaking calmly then I've got everything under control. That's what he told me at-least. and now I don't know what to do. This is what I was afraid of, that I'd get my parents involved and then they'd reject me. and now I've lost more of my faith in psychiatry. I always hated it, but I had this twinkle of hope that maybe they could help me this time, and that douche ripped it away. How can I work with people who don't trust my judgment.