I really don't know what is wrong with me because it often seems like everything and nothing at the same time. I don't come from some kind of awful background, just as bad as any other average middle class home with an alcoholic father and depressed mother. I grew up shy and fearful of others. I wasn't a mess, but I was a very nervous sort who would try to avoid anything that would scare me, usually things that involved other people. So, I barely had friends, at least no one that I ever saw outside of school. I never had any relatives and my parents never had friends. We never went on family vacations or did much of anything together. It was always just very quiet, unless someone was screaming. Basically, the charm of a psychiatric hospital.
Somehow I never realized the importance of talking to others and trying to make friends. No matter who I got to know, there was always a distance that grew bigger as time passed. I couldn't make friends because I had nothing to say and I had no zest for life. I was acutely aware that I had absolutely no idea why I got up each morning and went to school. But I more or less did it anyway because I felt it was expected of me, and that sense of responsibility was the only thing that kept me going. It was never clear to me whether I was just shy or if I was depressed, and I still don't even know.
I sort of have a problem with talking, or specifically, not talking. In college, I would go through entire semesters never speaking in my classes. If a professor was the type to randomly call on students, I would drop the class. I'm not incapable of talking to people at all, but I constantly choose to be silent and even though it clearly makes other people think I'm odd, I can't seem to change because I frankly don't want to. I hate myself for not being normal and just forcing myself to talk and smile, but I want to be silent. And I don't know how to defend that. I know how to act "normal" and what I can do to make things easier for myself, and I'm not afraid to do it, but I'd rather sit in a corner silent while everyone else chatters away. I've always wanted to disappear.
I don't understand my situation because even though I have all the symptoms of depression and I've been to psychiatrists and I've tried to commit suicide, I feel like I'm not quite like a lot of depressed people. Because my biggest issue of all is that I don't like myself, and I don't think I ever will. I've always thought that I'm boring, ugly, fat, dumb, and generally repulsive. I've never been in a relationship because I can't think of myself in that way -- as someone worthy of being loved and considered sexually attractive. I tend to think I'm not even worthy of dining in restaurants or taking a walk in my neighborhood. I'm not so much fearful of most things anymore, I just generally think that my presence somewhere is negative thing, like I infect people around me with my emptiness. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
I finished college last January and ever since I've just been living with parents doing absolutely nothing. I had no job and no health insurance, no friends and no hobbies. I spent most of my day in front of my computer doing not much of anything. I know that it would make me feel better to eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, attempt to get out in the world in some way, and especially get a job, but I feel inert. When it comes down to it, I don't want to help myself because I don't like myself. I don't know how to consistently try to make myself feel better when I keep remembering that I think I don't deserve to like myself.
Most of the time I just think that if I could just find a job where I pretty much don't have to talk to people and it keeps me busy without stressing me out too much, that's all I really want. But I don't know how to get that when it seems like everything requires so much schmoozing and social #######4. I don't think I'm ever going to change, which is why I just want to find some place for me where I can get by. If I can't find a place, I don't think I have any choice but to actively pursue suicide. And doesn't that sound stupid? I want to be mute and alone, and if I can't have that, I want to give up.