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I don't like myself.

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I don't like myself.

Postby aureum » Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:04 pm

I really don't know what is wrong with me because it often seems like everything and nothing at the same time. I don't come from some kind of awful background, just as bad as any other average middle class home with an alcoholic father and depressed mother. I grew up shy and fearful of others. I wasn't a mess, but I was a very nervous sort who would try to avoid anything that would scare me, usually things that involved other people. So, I barely had friends, at least no one that I ever saw outside of school. I never had any relatives and my parents never had friends. We never went on family vacations or did much of anything together. It was always just very quiet, unless someone was screaming. Basically, the charm of a psychiatric hospital.

Somehow I never realized the importance of talking to others and trying to make friends. No matter who I got to know, there was always a distance that grew bigger as time passed. I couldn't make friends because I had nothing to say and I had no zest for life. I was acutely aware that I had absolutely no idea why I got up each morning and went to school. But I more or less did it anyway because I felt it was expected of me, and that sense of responsibility was the only thing that kept me going. It was never clear to me whether I was just shy or if I was depressed, and I still don't even know.

I sort of have a problem with talking, or specifically, not talking. In college, I would go through entire semesters never speaking in my classes. If a professor was the type to randomly call on students, I would drop the class. I'm not incapable of talking to people at all, but I constantly choose to be silent and even though it clearly makes other people think I'm odd, I can't seem to change because I frankly don't want to. I hate myself for not being normal and just forcing myself to talk and smile, but I want to be silent. And I don't know how to defend that. I know how to act "normal" and what I can do to make things easier for myself, and I'm not afraid to do it, but I'd rather sit in a corner silent while everyone else chatters away. I've always wanted to disappear.

I don't understand my situation because even though I have all the symptoms of depression and I've been to psychiatrists and I've tried to commit suicide, I feel like I'm not quite like a lot of depressed people. Because my biggest issue of all is that I don't like myself, and I don't think I ever will. I've always thought that I'm boring, ugly, fat, dumb, and generally repulsive. I've never been in a relationship because I can't think of myself in that way -- as someone worthy of being loved and considered sexually attractive. I tend to think I'm not even worthy of dining in restaurants or taking a walk in my neighborhood. I'm not so much fearful of most things anymore, I just generally think that my presence somewhere is negative thing, like I infect people around me with my emptiness. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I finished college last January and ever since I've just been living with parents doing absolutely nothing. I had no job and no health insurance, no friends and no hobbies. I spent most of my day in front of my computer doing not much of anything. I know that it would make me feel better to eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, attempt to get out in the world in some way, and especially get a job, but I feel inert. When it comes down to it, I don't want to help myself because I don't like myself. I don't know how to consistently try to make myself feel better when I keep remembering that I think I don't deserve to like myself.

Most of the time I just think that if I could just find a job where I pretty much don't have to talk to people and it keeps me busy without stressing me out too much, that's all I really want. But I don't know how to get that when it seems like everything requires so much schmoozing and social #######4. I don't think I'm ever going to change, which is why I just want to find some place for me where I can get by. If I can't find a place, I don't think I have any choice but to actively pursue suicide. And doesn't that sound stupid? I want to be mute and alone, and if I can't have that, I want to give up.
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Re: I don't like myself.

Postby jasmin » Fri Nov 06, 2009 5:00 pm

Hi, aureum! It does sound like depression to me. You probably think so little of yourself because you were made to feel that way. Don't feel guilty for having problems even though your situation wasn't "as bad" as others, any human being can be affected by this kind of thing. Could you talk to someone so you can get a little treatment? You know, there are other people who'd like to have a job where they wouldn't have to deal with people and I'm sure it's not impossible. Maybe look for something on the internet.
I think it's possible to become really quiet when we've been made to feel like we might get in trouble or get hurt if we talk. That happened to me too.
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Re: I don't like myself.

Postby Brumble » Sat Nov 14, 2009 6:30 am

Hi Aureum & Hi Jasmin, you know aureum I'm in the same boat as you living with my parent's doing nothing and the way you grew up sound's similar and dang dare I say it your feeling's and experiences are the same, I've had an online friend help me figure my self out with research on symptom's and such. I didn't ever go to college or even high school and see no body looks down on me for it, your having intrusive thought's along with your depression.. so what if you don't do anything the thing you deserve right now is time to figure yourself out.
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Re: I don't like myself.

Postby D. Sardo » Wed Nov 25, 2009 11:09 pm

What did you major in Aureum?
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Re: I don't like myself.

Postby quietly black » Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:19 pm

hi aureum.. it could have been me you were writing about. word for word. except that you seem to know what is going on and can articulate it quite well. i feel like i like you because it makes me feel like theres one more of me somewhere and that im not so odd. i force myself to be oh so loud and fake funny and happy in front of people because its a heavy price to pay if you are singled out in my world. but in the end i do get left out an awful lot and the words are usually hollow or offensive. and i have found ways of being content by myself. i dont like being around people because almost always i end up hurt. i would also add to this the constant obsession my head has with my self and its problems and it really will not stop. so .. thank you for existing. it matters to me that you do.
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Re: I don't like myself.

Postby aureum » Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:11 pm

quietly black, I'm glad my existence can do some good for you, but I still haven't figured out how to live this life the way I am.
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MANIC IS IN THE BUILDING

Postby manic666 » Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:06 pm

You were brought up in a bad place for a kid to be, all around you were half dead minded people . So you finished up the same thats all.. only you can break that spell , if you dont talk to people why will they talk to you . My old man was a distant prick, so i was the opposite . I still felt like $#%^ but i didnt act it,i put on a show to be the guy who people liked. But i didnt have to act they did like me, but if i stayed like my old man i would never have known. Im mentally ill so what im not dead ,an neither are you so ###$ em all get on with it , you have had enough of being on a downer . It carnt get much worse, so just do something crazy an kick start your life. Jion a gym or something ,met people slowly in your own time ,but dont be shy away from conversation or you will be alone for ever. It wont happen over night, but it wont happen at all if you do nothing like your doing now. 8) 8) 8)
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Re: I don't like myself.

Postby rrp777 » Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:04 pm

Always focus on a project. Take a course, write a memoir, etc. My attempt at a book has finally made it into print. The year-long process was the most cathartic experience in my 34 years as a manic depressive.

It has made friends and relatives much more understanding toward me, as well as helping me understand my own life.
I am interacting with my loved ones again instead of being ashamed of past episodes and avoiding the reminder of them. The book itself may be helpful to you or a loved one, and encourage you to write one too.

'Manic Episodes and the Dark Side - a Memoir of a Bipolar Life' draws the reader in with an autobiographical sketch of a misspent youth, then plunges into the terror of bipolar illness. Rich Patton travels the rocky road from the darkness of seemingly hopeless depression to the frightening experiences of manic psychosis.

Following the sometimes humorous, but more often tragic, thirty-four years of the author's experiences with psychiatric wards, a state mental hospital, arrests, criminal incarcerations and trials, broken marriages and suicide attempts, the reader will be heartened to find there is hope.

Those who struggle with this illness-either personally or with a loved one-will benefit from learning how the author has successfully coped and achieved in spite of his illness. Included in this book are Six Pathways to the Light-a guide for surviving the darkest hours, including the embrace of a spiritual life.

Check out my website: http://www.richard-patton.com
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