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I don't want to die but I don't want to live

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I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby Girl from London » Fri Jul 17, 2009 10:41 pm

I am scared of death and I don't want to cause my loved ones pain but I have been causing them pain unintentionally all my life. I can't remember the last time I was happy.. it must have been many many years ago. I often take overdoses but not enough to kill me, just enough to make me sick and pass out... I don't know why I do that, I think at the time it's because I just want someone to understand and help me. No one I know understands, they tell me to snap out of it and that I'm a selfish attention seeking bitch... people are starting to resent me because I am making there lives miserable and they don't believe it's an illness just an excuse. I feel trapped, if I have to live then I want to enjoy it but I can't. This is torture.. I'm very lonely and scared ='( Life shouldn't be like this.
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby Chucky » Sat Jul 18, 2009 12:02 am

Hi,

You're right: Life shouldn't be like that. I can see that you've had the 'attention seeking' label attributed to you too - that's not helpful. The truth is that you are attention seeking, but you're doing it because you're in so much pain. It's a cry for help really. I don't know why some people view 'attention seeking' as something to be frowned upon. I guess it's part of the 'pack' mentality that comes with the human mind.

I'm rambling a bit - sorry - but I think that you have to: 1) Recognise that you're not going to kill yourself any time soon and to just get on with improving your life as best as you can (at the moment, you're like a car that keeps cutting out and never really makes any substantial ground); and 2) realise hat you may have to leave some of your current 'friends' behind if they are unwilling to understand your pain.

Is there anyone in your life who DOES understand you, by the way?

Kevin
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby Girl from London » Sat Jul 18, 2009 10:46 am

Thank you for replying. I speak to a guy on msn and he understands me the best he can, he listens to me and doesn't judge.. he lives about an hour away from me and I haven't met him yet because of anxiety, he will be busy at uni in a few months time though. Apart from that there is no one who understands, I am completely alone. I don't understand why people can't support me and be there for me.. they don't believe depression is real but it is and I don't know what I have to do to make them understand how much pain I'm in ='(
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby Chucky » Sat Jul 18, 2009 8:51 pm

You're not alone here anyway, and I certainly understand you. Why don't you try to talk about stuff here? Like, where did it all start, do you remember? Growing up, were you always an unhappy kid? Please talk and don't be afraid about how much you write - I'll be here to read it.

Kevin
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby Girl from London » Tue Jul 21, 2009 7:39 pm

Thank you, that means a lot to me =) I'm not feeling as depressed atm, I'm trying to be possitive but if I become depressed again then I'll be sure to write my story on here.. it's very comforting to know that there are people who understand x
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby Chucky » Tue Jul 21, 2009 8:06 pm

It's no problem at all, Girl from London. Explore around the website if yuo have time (or if you want to) and I think you'll find that there are many people out there who understand what you're going through. I felt really bad today when I got home from work - I mean REALLY bad - but I'm a bit better now. You have to have little things in place to take you out of these bad moods. Everything will settle for you soon enough I'm sure.
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby Parador » Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:13 pm

It can be draining on friends and family when someone is not well for a long period of time. They can get compassion fatigue. I'm sure they care. But they have their own problems and can get frustrated.
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby ThatWeirdKidd » Sat Sep 05, 2009 1:55 pm

That in between feeling of not wanting to live but not wanting to die is beyond painfully frustrating. I've felt that many times (and im sure ill be at the point again someday)

It's tough...I'm glad u have someone to talk to and I wish u the very best.
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby WistfulWanderer » Sat Oct 10, 2009 6:54 am

I know how that feels. I don't want to commit suicide. I've never tried and I don't think I ever will, even though I think about it. It seems like it would be nice to just fall asleep one night and never wake up though, no pain or drama.
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Re: I don't want to die but I don't want to live

Postby swal34 » Wed Apr 18, 2012 1:54 pm

This is my first post here, so i hope i don't say the wrong thing... I just googled similar to what you just wrote, and came across this, and I was so comforted, and I hope you will be too, that as cliche as it is, I'm not alone, which means you're not. It's so hard, and I don't know what to do either, but you get to a point where you just feel stuck, and you wish someone else would choose for you and take on all the consequences. Anyway... I just wanted to let you know that in your title, in what you just said, I promise you're not alone, because I'm in it too... and as selfish as I must sound... I'm hoping it's a little comforting.
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