About half a year ago/late 2008 I always felt happy. I had a high self esteem, there was hope. I had my self control and anger in check 100%. Everything was good. Towards april I noticed that I started to lose it. I was beginning to feel slightly depressed and as time went on I noticed it only got worse. It just came out of the blue, nothing triggered it.
Whenever I get angry I want to damage something. I have had this anger before for years, but it's at it's prime now. Throw, punch, stab or shoot, that includes people to. People that give me a hard time. I grew a revenge-streak. Anyone that pisses me off, I can't feel even until I yell in their face or shove them around. Even afterwards I don't feel good. Sometimes I feel like killing them and taking myself. Life is too long to just end it like that, but that's what I feel like doing, everyday.
Nothing makes me feel happy anyone. I tried everything. I feel a tight knot in my chest alot and I always have a frown. Smiling is hard to do unless if there's something funny to laugh at, even then I feel like crap a minute after.
I have taken various personality disorder tests online. This one website I tested on probably the most accurate, I scored Very High for 4 different disorders. Scored High for 5 other disorders and Moderate for 3 others. I think the main source of my depressions is SPD. I feel lonely even when I am with people. I always feel emotionally dead these days and I feel depressed on and off. One thing that I know I have had for years now is Paranoia. I always feel it when I'm in public.
There's really nothing BAD about my life. I just feel like crap ALL THE TIME. And I can't take it anymore. I exhibit symptoms for many personality disorders, I discovered recently. And I am positive I have them. I don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe this depression is because of my boring summer? Maybe it's hormonal. I'm a 17 year old guy. Whatever it is, I just NEED it to stop. What should I do?