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I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

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I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

Postby murder for hire » Sun Jul 12, 2009 11:07 pm

About half a year ago/late 2008 I always felt happy. I had a high self esteem, there was hope. I had my self control and anger in check 100%. Everything was good. Towards april I noticed that I started to lose it. I was beginning to feel slightly depressed and as time went on I noticed it only got worse. It just came out of the blue, nothing triggered it.

Whenever I get angry I want to damage something. I have had this anger before for years, but it's at it's prime now. Throw, punch, stab or shoot, that includes people to. People that give me a hard time. I grew a revenge-streak. Anyone that pisses me off, I can't feel even until I yell in their face or shove them around. Even afterwards I don't feel good. Sometimes I feel like killing them and taking myself. Life is too long to just end it like that, but that's what I feel like doing, everyday.

Nothing makes me feel happy anyone. I tried everything. I feel a tight knot in my chest alot and I always have a frown. Smiling is hard to do unless if there's something funny to laugh at, even then I feel like crap a minute after.

I have taken various personality disorder tests online. This one website I tested on probably the most accurate, I scored Very High for 4 different disorders. Scored High for 5 other disorders and Moderate for 3 others. I think the main source of my depressions is SPD. I feel lonely even when I am with people. I always feel emotionally dead these days and I feel depressed on and off. One thing that I know I have had for years now is Paranoia. I always feel it when I'm in public.

There's really nothing BAD about my life. I just feel like crap ALL THE TIME. And I can't take it anymore. I exhibit symptoms for many personality disorders, I discovered recently. And I am positive I have them. I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe this depression is because of my boring summer? Maybe it's hormonal. I'm a 17 year old guy. Whatever it is, I just NEED it to stop. What should I do?
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Re: I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

Postby Ravine » Mon Jul 13, 2009 8:55 pm

hi murder of hire,

It is really shocking that you all of a sudden lose control on yourselves. What happened at that time, when you started feeling loose?
Something must be there. But now, you have try to control yourselves. Give up anger or bad things. Just concentrate on your life. You can go for meds, if you want. But in my opinion, you need to consult some therapist, who can help you to control you.
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Re: I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

Postby murder for hire » Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:25 am

Hmm I remember years ago, when I would get angry I would actually turn hot. Adrenline too from anger in general. I don't know. Sometimes I have happy days, other days I feel like crap. Maybe it's just me, or I'm thinking about it too much.

I'm not sure how old you need to see a psychologist or thearpist but I will go. I'm 17 years old going on 18 in 11 months. I don't want my parents to know most of all. I know they care but it's embarassing, to me.
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Re: I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

Postby face » Tue Jul 14, 2009 10:08 pm

man i can relate to you so much. iI went through a long phase of wanting to kill people when I was angry or wanting to harm myself. I know how it is to feel tense a lot and not feel connected with even your 'closest' friends. you just want to be alone and when you're alone you can feel even worse. tbh I'm too embarassed to talk to people about it, I havent done anything about it and I don't plan to. You can sometimes convince yourself to be happy. i.e. look the part and act the part. (a lot of actors find it difficult to return to normal after acting a role) and eventually you might start convincing yourself and really changing to be happier. When you're feeling down it can be so easy to just stop caring about how you look and about the things in your life. You might even stop caring about how you feel. But while you do care about how you feel, which is clear because you are posting on this forum, you can do things to change your lifestyle. Depression is more than just a lifestyle thing though. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain that stops transmissions of messages throughout the brain and it might be more accurate to think of it as a physical disability rather than a mental disability (I think physical and mental are essentially the same anyway). That means medicine can be essential to 'treating' it. where i live i can phone up my doctor and book an appointment without my parents knowing and I'm not yet 18. good luck
Last edited by face on Mon Apr 25, 2011 2:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

Postby face » Tue Jul 14, 2009 10:42 pm

just wanted to add another important point. there isnt just one type of depression. the type i mentioned above is the biological type which can be due to genes, drugs, allergies etc. The other type is the subconscious interactive depression which is a learned behaviour or thought response to stimuli. that means it is possible to learn depressive behaviour from parents and also for thought patterns caused by biological activity to 'stick' after the biological state has returned to 'normal' and vice versa. A lot of people experience depression at some point in their life, but what marks us out is whether it hangs around for ages, either in terms of your brain chemistry or your thought patterns. That's why it is important to use medication and therapy in conjunction with each other.
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Re: I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

Postby Ravine » Thu Jul 16, 2009 7:27 am

murder for hire wrote:Hmm I remember years ago, when I would get angry I would actually turn hot. Adrenline too from anger in general. I don't know. Sometimes I have happy days, other days I feel like crap. Maybe it's just me, or I'm thinking about it too much.

I'm not sure how old you need to see a psychologist or thearpist but I will go. I'm 17 years old going on 18 in 11 months. I don't want my parents to know most of all. I know they care but it's embarassing, to me.


See, murder for hire, as you think for you best. But know this: At least you need to be adult to go to psych. According to my knowledge, it is 18 yrs old.
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Re: I feel miserable all the time and I hate it.

Postby Butterfly Faerie » Thu Jul 16, 2009 3:15 pm

a psych for therapy? 18 no you don't have to be just that..... I started at the age of 16.
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