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will i ever get out of my depression? *TW*

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will i ever get out of my depression? *TW*

Postby month-old-soda » Mon Nov 14, 2016 3:22 pm

tw:suicide

Hello I am very new to talking about myself online so sorry in advance if i ramble!


The first sign of having a mental health problem for me was at the age of 9 i started skin picking (dermatillomania) which is something that has stayed with for all my life. There was nothing significant that happened in my childhood that seemed to have caused this, i had (and still have) quite a neurotic and coddling mother which may have contributed.

Then when I moved into secondary school i found life more stressful i suppose, with a bigger school my self esteem was getting lower and lower and i started to develop a phobia of speaking aloud in class. skin picking was now a big part of my life, as soon as i came home i would spend hours in front the mirror just picking away at my skin. My phobia of speaking got so bad that i started staying at home on the days that i would have had lessons that required me to speak. However the school picked up on this and started to force me in so i could reach their government quota of good attendance from pupils. I think it was this accumulation of stress and also a major skin picking episode the night before which strained my eyes so badly that they hurt the next morning, that caused me to have my first panic attack in which i vomited aged 15.Then I got it into my head then that I could have a panic attack anywhere which would lead me to vomit and in public so I became mortally terrified of being in social places which i couldn't leave easily, hence i left school. I wrack my brain around whether my depression started as the result of the anxiety or vice versa. Prior to skin picking i was a normal healthy child and my mum said that it was a surprise that I developed depression. Anyway, from leaving school i became socially isolated and was definitely depressed for about two years of keeping myself at home hidden away and I lost enjoyment in most things. After a failed attempt in 2011 of joining sixth form i got back to education the next year, when i was 17. However my depression didn't lift and my councilor has said to me that my depressive "i don't care about anything" attitude has been a way to cope with my anxiety which was always about caring too much. To cut a long story short I don't think the depression has ever left, not even momentarily, it pervades every second of my life. I am just coming out of a year of long depressive episode of being in bed (no exaggeration) (goodness when i write this down it upsets me because I realise how extreme it sounds!) and I was suicidal a couple months ago for the first time in my life and had to go to hospital.

The reason for me being suicidal was this extreme anxiety that I will never come out of this numb depressive state and feel normal and experience normal emotions. I am worried that I have gone far too deep into the hole of depression that I will never be able to get back out??! Because I cant remember what it felt like to be happy therefore I don't have the will to keep on living. I am receiving treatment (medication and therapy) but nothing in my brain is clicking to want to get better because i cant conceive what that is like because I have never been it?? I feel like I am just going back to the numb emotionless state that made me suicidal in the first place? Is there any hope for me? I am almost 22 now, so this has been with me for most of my life and i don't feel like it will leave because it is engrained into me, it is all I know. Sorry this is so long, thanks, Kate
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited to add TW
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Re: will i ever get out of my depression? *TW*

Postby month-old-soda » Mon Nov 14, 2016 8:44 pm

Also sorry my grammar isn't very good in all of this, my brain is chaotic all the time which I suppose is a symptom of depression, actually my inability to think straight is the most debilitating part. If i could have a clear head for just a small part of the day I would be more content but I don't ever get a break from this white noise in my head. Does anyone else experience extreme difficulty with focusing?
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Re: will i ever get out of my depression? *TW*

Postby Kdoc » Mon Jan 02, 2017 6:43 pm

I know your part was back in November but it caught my eye. I just wanted to say you are not alone. I take Ritalin with Viibryd to help with energy and focus. It does help. Without it I sleep all day.
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Re: will i ever get out of my depression? *TW*

Postby month-old-soda » Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:23 am

Hello Kdoc, thanks for your reply. I am currently on Sertraline and I do think it has taken me away from feeling suicidal. Can I ask if you have experienced an increase in anxiety when you take Ritalin? This is something I am afraid of.
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Re: will i ever get out of my depression? *TW*

Postby Kdoc » Sun Jan 15, 2017 3:30 pm

Regular Ritalin (methylphenidate) does not make me feel anxious but Ritalin LA (long acting) does for some reason. I think it helps me get out of bed and helps me focus. I forget to take it some Saturdays and I'll sleep on and off until 3pm before realizing I missed a dose. When I take it then, I feel like I can actually wake up and go do stuff.

Of course everyone reacts differently and the medications will interact differently. It is hard to know how until you try it. It is pretty short acting and inexpensive though. You could try it for just a day to see if it makes you anxious.
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Re: will i ever get out of my depression? *TW*

Postby month-old-soda » Mon Jan 16, 2017 5:37 am

Thank you for your reply, I will bare that in mind. At the moment I am feeling unstable so don't want to try anything new incase I rock the boat lol, but definitely will think about it!
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