I've dealt with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I'm currently looking for a therapist but thought i'd post on here to see if anyone else has been experiencing what i've been experiencing before i go into that therapist and get diagnosis after diagnosis shoved down my throat again.
Depression came after years of untreated social and general anxieties. I tried CBT for nine months then quit. After my studies in psychology i created a hybrid version of the "mindfulness" techniques i was taught and for a couple years i regained the identity i'd lost by myself. My depression lifted and although i still had much of my anxiety, i could at least get out of bed in the morning to face it. I fear i'm falling back into a hole, but this time i'm spiraling deeper and with stranger experiences.
I get a lot of mood swings from elation to rage to depression now, and i'm not looking for anyone to say oh you have bipolar or borderline, what i'm asking for is if anyone experienced this particular thing in depression--i mean . . . when i'm extremely depressed, whether it was triggered or just came out of no where which is frequent these days, i get these very loud negative thoughts shouted through my head. Now, i'm used to negativity, i've dealt with this for years. But whereas i used to feel these thoughts were from my lower self-esteem and were of my own doing, i'm not so sure anymore. It's mainly one person and i can't definitively say this "voice" i hear is my own. It's not external, but internal. It doesn't sound like the voice i think in, and sometimes there are others but not all the time. This only happens during my depression, which is why i'm curious if anyone here has experienced the same thing. It gets very loud, shouting really. When it shouts i envision an unfamiliar woman shouting at me and i feel the voice belongs to her. I don't see her in front of me, this is all in my head.
I've always been the type of person to day dream senarios. I'm always, always in my head and i wonder if this contributes to the elaborate experiences. She'll say things like . . . honestly, it can get extremely derogatory. I get called an F'n c-word a lot, worthless a lot, piece of f'n $#%^ pretty much every day, and sometimes when i'm not depressed or when I might be shifting to a depressive episode soon, i'll wake up to the insults. Sometimes it'll be stuck on a broken record, just saying the same thing over and over again and no matter how hard i try i can't stop it. I swear it's not my own "thinking" voice, it just doesn't feel the same.
I don't know what's going on, but if anyone has experienced something similar it would be nice to hear. I haven't told everything in detail and i'm not entirely sure i'm going to tell my new therapist everything in detail, not until I see if she's a pill-pusher or a diagnosis-pusher, you never know with these people these days.