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Depression and internal voices?

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Depression and internal voices?

Postby Alucard » Mon Jun 01, 2015 8:55 am

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I'm currently looking for a therapist but thought i'd post on here to see if anyone else has been experiencing what i've been experiencing before i go into that therapist and get diagnosis after diagnosis shoved down my throat again.

Depression came after years of untreated social and general anxieties. I tried CBT for nine months then quit. After my studies in psychology i created a hybrid version of the "mindfulness" techniques i was taught and for a couple years i regained the identity i'd lost by myself. My depression lifted and although i still had much of my anxiety, i could at least get out of bed in the morning to face it. I fear i'm falling back into a hole, but this time i'm spiraling deeper and with stranger experiences.

I get a lot of mood swings from elation to rage to depression now, and i'm not looking for anyone to say oh you have bipolar or borderline, what i'm asking for is if anyone experienced this particular thing in depression--i mean . . . when i'm extremely depressed, whether it was triggered or just came out of no where which is frequent these days, i get these very loud negative thoughts shouted through my head. Now, i'm used to negativity, i've dealt with this for years. But whereas i used to feel these thoughts were from my lower self-esteem and were of my own doing, i'm not so sure anymore. It's mainly one person and i can't definitively say this "voice" i hear is my own. It's not external, but internal. It doesn't sound like the voice i think in, and sometimes there are others but not all the time. This only happens during my depression, which is why i'm curious if anyone here has experienced the same thing. It gets very loud, shouting really. When it shouts i envision an unfamiliar woman shouting at me and i feel the voice belongs to her. I don't see her in front of me, this is all in my head.

I've always been the type of person to day dream senarios. I'm always, always in my head and i wonder if this contributes to the elaborate experiences. She'll say things like . . . honestly, it can get extremely derogatory. I get called an F'n c-word a lot, worthless a lot, piece of f'n $#%^ pretty much every day, and sometimes when i'm not depressed or when I might be shifting to a depressive episode soon, i'll wake up to the insults. Sometimes it'll be stuck on a broken record, just saying the same thing over and over again and no matter how hard i try i can't stop it. I swear it's not my own "thinking" voice, it just doesn't feel the same.

I don't know what's going on, but if anyone has experienced something similar it would be nice to hear. I haven't told everything in detail and i'm not entirely sure i'm going to tell my new therapist everything in detail, not until I see if she's a pill-pusher or a diagnosis-pusher, you never know with these people these days.
I like living in the world in my head because I'm in charge half the time.
Alucard
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Re: Depression and internal voices?

Postby Bill4315 » Mon Jun 01, 2015 9:57 am

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Medication turned my life around so you may want to re-consider taking medication.
I went through extreme depression and I am fairly content now.
I practice mindfulness myself and you want to try going back to it. It can be very helpful.
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Re: Depression and internal voices?

Postby Alucard » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:53 am

Bill4315 wrote:Sorry to hear about your troubles. Medication turned my life around so you may want to re-consider taking medication.
I went through extreme depression and I am fairly content now.
I practice mindfulness myself and you want to try going back to it. It can be very helpful.


Thanks for the reply. I'm not willing to return to medication But I am willing to give mindfulness another try if I can change a few things Or if a different therapist works with me on it. Im studying to be a psychiatrist and for me some of the techniques i learned from my therapist with mindfulness didnt work well with me. maybe i was just resistent. But honestly, I don't know where all this other stuff came from. Even the depression feels different than before. :?
I like living in the world in my head because I'm in charge half the time.
Alucard
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Re: Depression and internal voices?

Postby guthlac » Sun Jun 07, 2015 9:56 pm

Hello,

Sorry to hear things are getting rough.

I very much empathise with this. It's an experience which I've had at some pretty horrendous moments.

I'd encourage you to keep going with mindfulness and meditation (if you haven't had a go with this, it's very useful).

Now, this is probably controversial, and it's only the way I think about it - so take it or leave it.

I'm a bit of a Jungian, and I consider these seemingly 'separate' voices to be forms of complex which have emerged after a long time of being 'nourished' by our own thought habits and circumstances.

As such, like any mental activity, they have the capacity to operate in a way which almost feels animate. It's pretty frightening (in my experience), but by rationalising it and seeing it in the cold hard light of day, in the conscious mind rather than the unconscious, I've been able to manage this experience better.

I'm not saying that this will necessarily work for you, but as you're studying Psychology, it may well be useful.

Jung was something of a mystic as well as a psychologist and I should make it clear that I have something of a mystical bent. So, I apologise if that came across as hocum.

Essentially, in my understanding, these 'voices' in my head are the strengthened manifestations of my own negativity, almost taking on a persona. By seeing them, truly, as my own mental processes, I have been able to engage with them and take away their sting.

Like I say, just me - but I've found it helpful.

All the best.
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