This is my first post, little bit of a background on me. Im a 23 year old male, 165lbs, In very good physical shape. Though I feel like im losing my mind.
This all started over a year ago, I felt it was a good idea to smoke weed for the first time. Very quickly I felt like I had to smoke all the time. It felt great whenever I was high. After about 6 months I started getting Anxiety/depression when I smoked but couldn't quit, I tried quitting just a few days and was unbearable. I isolated myself the whole time I smoked as well, all I wanted to do was get high. One day I took a smoke and a few hours later went to the gym, Had a panic attack because there is a cop on the corner that always sits and watches and for some reason thought I was going to get stopped (stupid). That day I said this is enough, I through out all my weed and trashed my bong which made up a lot of my life. Within a week I was having full blow panic attacks/anxiety/ and negative thoughts constantly 24/7. I felt Like I was going to lose it and hurt myself. This was 9 months ago. I went to my general practitioner a week after I quit and said I don't understand whats wrong, He put me on Lexapro. I started Lexapro and was told it would take a few weeks to work (4-6). I waited 12 weeks total and nothing had changed at all. My thought patterns from waking up to going to bed was absolutely insane. Id wake up and the first thought that went into my head was suicide. In the beginning it gave me EXTREME anxiety and it was all I could think about even though I wanted it out of my head. after a couple months of the exact same thoughts everyday with nothing else coming to mind I decided to visit a physiatrist. She said I was depressed and put me on Effexor. Both of these medications made me feel the same way, Apathetic, numb, absolutely no emotion whatsoever, and the thoughts were still there but just dumbed down a little. I went off them both because I was getting nowhere.
Today its been almost 10 months, Ive made very little progress towards feeling like my old self. My daily thought patterns are so out of whack I don't even know where to start.
Thoughts of self harm are not gone, which I really wish they were but for some reason my mind has the thought on replay 24/7 for the last 10 months. Im literally Losing it. I cannot concentrate on anything. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like im in my own little world and its hell. I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy.
A couple times a day maybe 2, my mood plummets from kind of "Ok" to Rock bottom, for absolutely no reason at all, I feel like I lose touch with the outside world, for some reason I stare blankly and feel like my head is on a swivel. My mind is completely blank with absolutely no thoughts and I feel like a vegetable. slowly I come back to feeling "Ok" within a couple of hours. The reason Im typing this on here is because Im not exactly sure but maybe someone has some idea of what is going on with me.
Also when my Mood plummets I get a headache and ringing in my right ear that gets pretty loud.
This happens to me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Ive had no break in this feeling where I feel good for even a few minutes.
I would appreciate any feedback whatsoever.
Derin