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Totally Lost...

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Totally Lost...

Postby derin105 » Fri May 01, 2015 3:10 am

This is my first post, little bit of a background on me. Im a 23 year old male, 165lbs, In very good physical shape. Though I feel like im losing my mind.

This all started over a year ago, I felt it was a good idea to smoke weed for the first time. Very quickly I felt like I had to smoke all the time. It felt great whenever I was high. After about 6 months I started getting Anxiety/depression when I smoked but couldn't quit, I tried quitting just a few days and was unbearable. I isolated myself the whole time I smoked as well, all I wanted to do was get high. One day I took a smoke and a few hours later went to the gym, Had a panic attack because there is a cop on the corner that always sits and watches and for some reason thought I was going to get stopped (stupid). That day I said this is enough, I through out all my weed and trashed my bong which made up a lot of my life. Within a week I was having full blow panic attacks/anxiety/ and negative thoughts constantly 24/7. I felt Like I was going to lose it and hurt myself. This was 9 months ago. I went to my general practitioner a week after I quit and said I don't understand whats wrong, He put me on Lexapro. I started Lexapro and was told it would take a few weeks to work (4-6). I waited 12 weeks total and nothing had changed at all. My thought patterns from waking up to going to bed was absolutely insane. Id wake up and the first thought that went into my head was suicide. In the beginning it gave me EXTREME anxiety and it was all I could think about even though I wanted it out of my head. after a couple months of the exact same thoughts everyday with nothing else coming to mind I decided to visit a physiatrist. She said I was depressed and put me on Effexor. Both of these medications made me feel the same way, Apathetic, numb, absolutely no emotion whatsoever, and the thoughts were still there but just dumbed down a little. I went off them both because I was getting nowhere.

Today its been almost 10 months, Ive made very little progress towards feeling like my old self. My daily thought patterns are so out of whack I don't even know where to start.

Thoughts of self harm are not gone, which I really wish they were but for some reason my mind has the thought on replay 24/7 for the last 10 months. Im literally Losing it. I cannot concentrate on anything. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like im in my own little world and its hell. I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

A couple times a day maybe 2, my mood plummets from kind of "Ok" to Rock bottom, for absolutely no reason at all, I feel like I lose touch with the outside world, for some reason I stare blankly and feel like my head is on a swivel. My mind is completely blank with absolutely no thoughts and I feel like a vegetable. slowly I come back to feeling "Ok" within a couple of hours. The reason Im typing this on here is because Im not exactly sure but maybe someone has some idea of what is going on with me.

Also when my Mood plummets I get a headache and ringing in my right ear that gets pretty loud.

This happens to me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Ive had no break in this feeling where I feel good for even a few minutes.

I would appreciate any feedback whatsoever.
Derin
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Re: Totally Lost...

Postby SomeGuy18 » Sat May 09, 2015 9:44 pm

I get where you're coming from. I am currently relying on alcohol and constant high nicotine dosage to try and keep the depression at bay, I've never seen a therapist/doctor etc. and never been on meds, mainly because I feel selfish and stupid as I feel like I have no reason to be depressed, but still am.

All I can really say is hold on to the positives, try and do what you enjoy, and be happy about the good things in your life, being in good shape , for example.

I get the same 'plummets' that you described, and again my only solution is getting drunk :( it kind of worries me but at the same time I'm not that concerned about my health so im sticking with it for now, after all, what else can I do?

I'm sorry to hear that you experience so little happiness, sounds like you have it worse than me in that department. All I can really recommend is doing whatever makes you happy, but try and keep it under control. Whether its going out for a coffee, a quiet walk in a scenic area, a chat with a friend (messaging or in person) whatever could help you distract yourself from the origin of your emotional pain. When you hit the rock bottom, try and immediately find a distraction? just say to yourself that your not going to sit there getting worse, grab onto something occupying that you find fun, even if it doesn bring you happiness as such, just something other than what I do, staring at a screen, drinking and taking lots of nicotine......

Good luck to you :)

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Re: Totally Lost...

Postby Oliveira » Sun May 10, 2015 11:08 am

The problem with using alcohol is that it's a depressant.

What happens is essentially:

1. You feel terrible.
2. You get drunk. Depression lifts for a period. You get the idea "alcohol = I'm better!"
3. You get up in the morning feeling terrible thanks to both depression and alcohol you had yesterday.
4. You get drunk to get rid of the terrible feeling. Depression lifts again.
5. Repeat.

I spent years doing this. I knew that alcohol is a depressant but I told myself it obviously wasn't true in my case because it made me feel better. What I didn't realise is that alcohol does depress me -- just a day later.

Since I stopped using drugs and drinking my depressions have been much shorter and easier to survive.
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