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Overwhelming depression that I can't shake

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Overwhelming depression that I can't shake

Postby sadintexas » Mon Aug 25, 2014 6:21 pm

I've never posted on a message board before, but recently I've been feeling more depressed that I have in a very long time. Two years in fact. And the last time I was this depressed I nearly killed myself.

I'm 31 and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after an incident two years ago. Since then things have been going well. However, I recently moved to a new city and am without the social network I've come to rely on for battling frequent depression. I've also gotten to the point where my medication has left me paralyzed, feeling nothing when I'm not depressed, which is actually just as bad as being depressed. I can't even bring myself to pick up the phone because I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails to the point that I don't want to depress the friends who I would call. Being a downer makes me feel worse.

The town I moved to has everything I've ever wanted in a place to live, but now I can't even enjoy it. I do have some friends here, but not the kind that I can share this with.

I've started to see a therapist again, but I'm not sure how that will go. I guess I'm just in need of people who understand what I'm going through. I've never had a family to rely on and I keep my friends away from my depression because of how bad it can get. Don't want to be a burden.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but just needed a place to share, I guess. It's becoming too much to bear again.
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Re: Overwhelming depression that I can't shake

Postby Tesch » Mon Aug 25, 2014 11:25 pm

Well, you should be able to find a lot of people here that can relate to your situation.

I have depression too, and it has been like that for over a year. They told me, more precisely, that I have psychotic depression because, well, I saw and heard things that did not exist. It comes and goes away, part of the bipolar disorder I have, apparently. I have good weeks and awful weeks. Sometimes it changes in a day or two and every time I'm in my "bad phase" I have to struggle with a lot more things, most importantly though, I have to keep myself from giving up completely. To a certain extent I feel like I've given up, but I'm still here, I haven't made that final decision yet.

I understand that you don't want to be a burden, I feel a bit like that too. I try not to bother anyone with my problems, after all no one deserves to listen to me being a downer. But maybe you should try talking to your friends anyway? Maybe you should focus on other things while you talk to them, and if you feel like you have nothing good to say about yourself, ask about their lives. That's what I try to do. If it does not help you much it may at least distract you a bit, right? You may even come to feel like you could talk to them about your depression someday. It is (very) important to talk to someone about it though, so it is great that you are seeing a therapist again. Hope you get better.
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Re: Overwhelming depression that I can't shake

Postby sadintexas » Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:40 pm

Thanks for the advice. Struggling to get the energy up to chat with them about anything is hard sometimes, but I know I have to make the effort. It's generally the only way I can pull myself out of a slump.

I think the hardest part is trying to stay out of the darkness when I do chat with them, too. My depression certainly doesn't let itself to optimism. I think I've spent so much of my life focusing on the negative side of things as part of my depression that it almost feels like I'm being dishonest with my feelings when I try to avoid being a downer when I feel so down. It's a constant battle.

Good news is just hanging out with the friends I do have here has helped me bounce back a bit. Work hasn't been as stressful either. Feeling like I'm on an upswing. Hope it sticks around for awhile.
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Re: Overwhelming depression that I can't shake

Postby Tesch » Thu Aug 28, 2014 4:36 pm

I'm glad to read that you feel like you're in an upswing. Try thinking more positively about yourself and your situation. I know it is hard to do that, I am not all optimistic or anything like that either, I'm just very negative about myself really, but I'm trying to put things in a more positive light even when I don't really believe that there's anything positive there to see. If you start fighting this way of thinking then, in time, you will feel better. There is another side to basically everything. Going through tough times is the perfect way of growing stronger, you're learning with every mistake and all of those hard times in your life, including this depression, so think of that when you can't think of anything else that is good or positive. That's what helps me a bit, at least. Big hugs.
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