Need an ear, I think.

I haven't been diagnosed with depression or anything, I don't really have anyone to talk to about anyone like that and frankly, it seems pretty embarrassing. I'm pretty good at avoiding stuff, I don't really like attention from my family and we're not the cozy or warm type of family. I just feel like, sometimes I get sad. Like, really, really sad that I contemplate suicide but accept that I'm too much of a coward to go through it. It lasts for days and well, no one really notices except my boyfriend who can't really do much about it. It's an internet relationship and not a lot of people have faith in it but I honestly don't think so. I'm not irresponsible or stupid to give important information to strangers, I don't think I'm that kind of person. I just think he's a great person and the feelings mutual, unfortunate that he's so far away that's all. I have some pretty good friends too, they just sometimes feel so distant because they're so normal. I really love them though, they're great people.

Just sometimes, I get really damn sad and I don't know how to deal with it. I can tell the people I care about but, they just feel at a loss and don't now how to help but it can't be fair to them. They aren't there to coddle me like I'm a wounded child. If I don't distract myself properly, I'm sure I'd be sad all the time. Sometimes I just cry for absolute no reason at all but I'm really careful not to show anyone except my boyfriend. I'm at a loss of how to deal with certain issues, like motivation and just... confidence. I can tell myself logical things like, there's no merit to being sad, thinking about action without action isn't gonna help, I have to try, there's no harm in trying, there's nothing to lose and I'll be trapped in my situation if I don't pull myself out.

I don't live a terrible life, obviously it could be better but I'm fed, cleaned and even spoiled a little. I'm pretty disappointed that.. you know, I'm disappointed. Like, sure others have it better but some have it a lot worse and I feel guilty sometimes thinking that but I can't really stop... resenting my parents. They didn't physically abuse me but I wouldn't call it a warm loving family either.

I don't really know what I want, maybe someone to talk to or a magical solution for my problems. I have absolutely no clue what I've accomplished, but thanks for reading anyway.

MadPanda, from what you've stated here it does sound like you are experiencing depression even though you've not been diagnosed with it. To be honest, I don't even know if I've been diagnosed with it, I'm just aware that it's on my medical notes. I've had it for years in addition to anxiety and OCD and the only time it's improved is when on medication and when I had therapy. Depression is often a chemical imbalance, something that you can't just snap out of as some people think, and the sooner you seek help for restoring this balance the better. Sure you can eat right, exercise and drink plenty of water but often that's not enough. Don't continue to suffer in silence, there is help out there. I often find it's easier to talk to people about my depression who aren't emotionally involved, which is why this forum and the medical profession are great. You sound like an intelligent and compassionate person and therefore deserve to get better. Is there any way you can make an appointment to see your doctor about how you're feeling?