I've suffer from what I believe to be a delusional disorder. I believe in my delusions at least 90% of the time but there's a small piece of me that wants to resist succumbing to the delusions.
Basically, I believe that my parents are trying to put a drug into my body that will keep me weakened- not kill me but to weaken me. I began to believe this because in the "real world" my parents forbade me from dating and engaging in social activites with my peers when I was young so in my mind, this is how they are controlling me so I can't defy their orders. I've had this delusion since I was in high school and it's gotten progressively worse over the years as I am becoming increasingly hypervigilant.
I no longer live close to my parents, but now I even believe that they have somehow convinced my neighbors to break into my apartment when I am away and sneak this drug in. The drug is like ubiquitous to me now. It can be in my food, water, even my clothes. I know this sounds insane, but in my heart I really believe this to be true.
The problem is that my delusions (if they are in fact delusions) are continously reinforced by "evidence". I can physically feel the effect of the drug on my body. Worse yet, I am plagued with "coincidences" that serve as "proof" of my delusions. For example, I am beginning to believe that my neighbor is aiding my parents. I think this because almost every single time I leave my apartment, she happens to be standing there outside of her apartment, watching me. I think that she calls my apartment right after I leave to make sure that no one is in there. The "proof" is that my caller ID will show that someone called just minutes after I leave my apartment and the caller shows up as "unavailable". This lady always happens to be standing outside her apartment whenever I leave so I have no choice but to think that she's the one who calls me and then breaks into my apartment when I' m gone. Is this just a coincidence? And it's not like I only think about this after the fact. Today I left my apartment for just about half an hour and when I came back, the woman again was standing there, watching me. When I went inside my place, I kept thinking to myself "please don't let the caller ID show that anyone called since I left my apartment". But sure enough, the caller ID showed that someone called within 5-10 minutes after I left. (And I don't get many calls on my home phone since my friends call me on my cell and I'm on the national do-not call list for my home phone so I'm not called by telemarketers.) When I saw this, my heart sank because the call happened at almost the exact time that I anticipated.
I hope someone can please help me. I am growing an increasingly violent hatred for this woman as well as my parents for doing this to me. I've already seen two therapists but my beliefs and anger have only intensified. It's these so-called "coincidences" that keep reaffirming my beliefs. Can anyone tell me how such occurrences could just be coincidences after all?
Greatly appreciating your help,
-Jerry