Guilt vs Relief

Hello all,

I just got at call from my lawyer saying that the garnishing of my ex-husband's wages is final. Although this would be good news under "normal" circumstances, I am riddled with guilt. Why? I don't know!

On the day of our divorce back in 2006, when the judge asked if I wanted his wages automatically garnished or if he could pay me directly... my heart felt compassion for him since I make about double what he does and also because he's the one diagnosed with DDJ... so I said he could pay me directly. That went kind of well for about 5 months... BTW he was ordered to give me $1,440 a month for 4 children. That may sound like a lot but we live in the suburbs of the Washington DC area and it's pretty normal. In fact, because I make more, he didn't have to pay as much as some men have to if their wives don't work outside of the home or make a lower salary.

Anyway, as time went on, he slacked in payments... i.e., he gave me less or skipped a month here and there... His excuse was that I made soooooo much more than him and besides, how much could those little girls eat? He said he'd give me $1,000/mo... that began to slack too... Meanwhile he somehow ended up living in my basement (rent free of course).

I'm grateful that he didn't do what seems to be common among DDJ husbands on this site... like dating lots of women... instead he became focused on travelling... and his hobbies (fishing)... in the first month he bought a new boat... then the travelling began... he travelled to Portugal (for 2 weeks), Guatemala (for 2 weeks), Peru (10 days), Scotland (2 weeks to play Rugby!), California (1 week) to visit a Rugby buddy, took a trip out west for about 3 weeks last summer, and is going on a cruise this Oct.

A few months ago, I finally got tired of it all and went to a lawyer to make him move out and to garnish his wages. Well, now I only have 2 children under 18 ... so his payments should be about $750/mo.... My lawyer said he should have to give me what he owed me in back child support too. I was torn by what my heart felt like doing which was "just forget about the back up" (which added up to $21,000)... and what my children are entitled to ... I finally had to put my emotions behind me and thought, what would I advise a family member or friend to do...

I don't have to tell you what happend when the court papers came in the mail to him... now remember, he was living in my basement (for about 2 years) so the mail came to my house... my poor little girls got the brunt of it because they were at home... my 13 year old called me at work and said, "mommy, please don't come home yet, daddy's sooooooo mad." Later she said he had told her that I was out to financially ruin him and that he'd end up living in a cardboard box somewhere. This broke my heart! So I tried to reason with him saying that I believe I was doing what was fair and what the court mandated after reviewing our W2's ... When I mentioned all his travelling, he jumped up at me and said, "Ah-ha... that's what it is, you're so JEALOUS of me ... you just can't stand it!!!!"

He is now renting a 4 bedroom home - closer to the beach (a lot nicer than a cardboard box don't you think?).... meanwhile my home is literally falling apart for lack of repairs in order to pay for 2 college tuitions, etc...

Hope someone learns a lesson from this... Why was I feeling guilty again?

Hi, Beautiful! From what you're saying, it really doesn't sound like you have anything to feel guilty about! He has to do right by his kids too. It must have been so hard looking after 4 kids on your own, with no real support from him, but you did it and you should be proud of yourself.

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, jasmine. Looking back, I'm glad I had the courage to keep moving forward for my children's sake, eventhough it was terribly hard to leave him, or should I say the empty shell he had become, behind.

Once again, thanks for your response. It helps so very much!!

Hello Beautiful,

Last night I sent you a long reply that got erased by mistake... now I'll just say briefly that I totally sympathise with your moving forward and doing it. I struggle with the issues too - complicated story, I don't get a penny from my ex whom I can't even divorce properly I'm still just legally separated. I struggle with guilt too but knowing the nature of the guy's problem - it sounds very similar to my ex's - it fully justifies such a move. Especially i want to add one aspect: that similar to what one says in the case of spouses of alcoholics, one MUST make them pay - i.e. not help their denial but make them face reality as much as possible. It's their responsibility. They're NOT our children, they are men who once told us they loved us and took on some responsibility. makes me angry, I should stop at that point.

Well done to you, wish same luck on myself one day.....

Dear Waterlilly:

waterlilly wrote:It's their responsibility. They're NOT our children, they are men who once told us they loved us and took on some responsibility. makes me angry, I should stop at that point.

I recently met with my son's therapist and talked about my wife, who is now part of the problem that my son has. I mentioned, "I don't always know where my wife stops and the mental illness starts, and that when she says crazy things, it's not her, but the mental illness." The therapist said something that really made an impression on me: "You will have to remind yourself that it's the mental illness and not her a lot in the next few years."

It's easy to lose sight of this, at least for myself. If I can say this, your husband did love you and took responsibility and would be doing that now, but he was afflicted by a severe mental illness. It's like when my wife was in labor: anything she said could not be held against her ("Why did you get me pregnant!") because of the situation she was in. The thing to hate and be angry with is not your husband, but DD. Your husband is a prince. Think of him as getting cancer. It's not his fault. It's nobody's fault.

Hey, if my wife gets worse, can you remind me of this?

MrSicily

Thanks so much for your responses waterlily and Mr. Sicily.

Your words are a reminder that we cannot forget that our loved ones are not the same people we married, that DD is driving their emotions, and most importanly that we should NOT blame ourselves or LOSE ourselves in the process.

I feel I am one of the lucky ones because I did have the means to provide for my children (at least to cover their needs) even if he didn't contribute what the court mandated. I often wonder about the unfortunate people that can't afford to make it on their own and feel hopelessly trapped. I cannot express how much I admire those who have the courage to break away and find shelter for themselves, as well as their children, from further verbal and/or physical abuse! DD related or not!

I am blessed to have found refuge in your words and this forum. May tomorrow bring us renewed strength to face what DD may have in store for our loved ones and to somehow be able to share our experiences to help others... Good night....

-- Beautiful Mind

I'm glad you guys have the courage to deal with life and the decisions your partners have made. They might not be responsible for the fact that they're sick, but neither are you, so you can't be expected to put up with everything.

Don't feel guilty Beautiful Mind. What you did was best for you and your children. It may take some time but soon you will have the needed relief from all of this.

Beautiful Mind,

If it's any help, I've thought this way about my situation: even if I end up getting a divorce for the sake of our kids if my wife goes down hill more, then in one way I am doing what she wants -- even if she totally opposed it. I would be acting in the best interests of our children. If she was in her right mind and understood how she was, she would agree that this was the best for her children, whom she loves dearly, and would agree. But in her crazy mind, she can't understand this at all.

The same for you and your husband. If he was in his right mind and understood that his children needed financial help, he would probably be all for this, because he loves his children. So in one sense, you are doing what he would agree to if he was in his right mind. He is not, however, so anything he happens to think about it can be discounted.

Does this make sense? So rather than feeling guilty, you are just doing what he would normally want anyway. At least that's how I think of it for myself.

Remind me of all this if and when my wife gets much worse.

MrSicily